Riding Camp

Wow, Judith! That was amazing. I love the easy narrative and the way you draw the reader in to Jess’s story.

Elise

Judith! Thanks for sharing your story with me. 😉

1. I like that your centers around something very near and dear to your heart: horses.

2. I like Jess’ tenacity. She is, definitely, bold.

3. I like how Jess changed at the end of the story. “The walk back to her cabin felt different. This time, she was one of them.” She’s more confident and sure of herself than she was in the beginning.

Having said that, it took me a while to respond to your piece because I couldn’t figure out what, I felt, was missing. I think I finally figured it out. For me, Riding Camp felt more like a description of events rather than a story. I felt like I was standing on the periphery, watching the events unfold. What I really wanted was to be in the story, in Jess’ home, in the camp. I wanted to experience the events.

Your style reminds me of Hemmingway: very clean and to the point. (I suppose it’s the journalist within you.) If you can merge that elegance with a bit more intimacy, then Riding Camp will be money. 😉

Go Jess!

Oh, you know I love a good horse story! Woohoo!

Three of my novels are about horse people, and I know it’s hard to write about the technical bits of riding when your audience probably doesn’t know a thing about it. In my opinion, you did a good job of balancing that information.

There really is some kind of sick and twisted badge of honor when you take that first fall. My old riding instructor used to make us bring her chocolate chip cookies when we fell. 🙂

My real question to you about this piece is “who is your audience?” A few phrases or word choices read like they’re intended for an older age group, when the subject matter insinuates a younger age group. It’s not a wildfire problem in your writing, which is otherwise clear and to the point.

Would love to see the detailed version if you care to share it.

I really like the story. I could see the frustration of the main character. I also loved the tension created because “all of her friend are going to camp”. It’s very understandable.

Not really sure what the overall theme was though. I first thought it was kind of an economic thing (Not being able to afford it even though she has a passion. Try to be a bit more direct. You can always back off if it is too obvious.

Good work!

Hi Judith,

I really enjoyed reading this story. You gave your character something that she knew she was meant for and the obstacles she needed to overcome to get that; a horse.
It reminded me a lot of tacking up my Bluebar and going for a ride. 😉

The middle, needing to be a rebirth or transition for the character was well thought out. I felt her angst.

The writing is very clear though I wish that I could get deeper into the story, more of a chance to “see” what the main character was seeing. It sounds like you understand that and are working on it.

I say great going. So many girls can relate to this and will enjoy the story. Great job!

Hi Judith,

I loved the very clear, to the point narration and outlining who the character was and exactly what she wanted. It was immediate, and made it so easy for me to want her to obtain her goal. Perfect for a younger YA market.

I love the specifics of horseback riding.

I love at the end how she finally feels like one of them because she fell off. I wasn’t expecting that, and it makes it all the more powerful. And it made me happy for her!

I felt I wanted more feeling, to be more in the character rather than having events listed out to me.

A little quick thing to consider: I’m not sure you need to restate the problems as you already enumerated them. (This sentence is redundant: “Her problem was simple: She was broke, didn’t know how to ride, and it was nearly the beginning of May. She didn’t have a hope.)

Thanks so much for sharing!

This is very good, Judith. Even I, as someone who has only been on a horse a few times, followed all of the horsey stuff. Your writing is clear and easy to follow, with just enough description to set the scene and carry the story along. I felt like I was right there on the first day at horse camp.

I didn’t mind too much that the first half of this concentrated on the economics and the second half on her frustration at camp. To me they seemed related.

I like that you’re fleshing this out, but I tend to enjoy flash fiction, which always leaves a lot to the reader’s imagination, so I’m fine with this as it stands (other than Margie’s comment about the repeated information). I do like the idea of this being something she looks back on as an adult as a seminal moment. Great job.

Hi Judith:
I have spent much of my life on horseback and loved this piece. I liked the idea of having those pretend porcelain horses. Did she write that blurb looking for a horse she could call Tom Thumb?

Falling off is like an inauguration into a horse group. When someone says they have never fallen off, I think-well, maybe you haven’t ridden long. Most of us have fallen off in all directions/circumstances.

I love to read about the contrast between the dreams and the reality. Sure she hurt, but those reins, using legs, leads. Who ever thought that out with porcelain horses? It was in there some-just not long enough, but what possibilities! I’d like to hear more about her feelings (if there was more space that is)like envy, like hopelessness, like connection with that horse-WOW-when that happens! When the horse responds!!!!!! Wow. And disk she thank that horse, her teacher!

Great idea and wonderful presentation. I see you got lots of replies. Lots of us love horses!!!!Oh-and horse lovers too!!!!!

Technology is a problem, but not for someone brave enough to ride. You can do it!
Sue

Hi Judith – seeing as I was Jess when I was young, I could totally relate to your piece and could definitely see it as a YA story. Hell, I read every pony camp book ever written so I should know…

I liked the brief sentences, it is how I’d imagine a girl to think. I know you had to edit it to fit it in the word count but I would like to have seen the story more drawn out. I was also pleasantly surprised that it had an uplifting ending, that she hadn’t been as ostracised as she thought she had been (I’ve obviously read too many tales of bitchy girls).