Precious

Nicely done.
I love the description of the area. I’m heavy on descriptions usually, so I’m gonna recycle a suggestion. Add a line or two inside the description to keep us in the action. Description slows things down.

I’m not that great at “point of View” but I did see one thing “He wanted her to experience pain.” is kind of in a different POV, she would have to assume this, but couldn’t really know it. You could put “like” in there, and combine The previous sentence to clarify.

LOVE the build up to the end. Really makes you want to read more. I’m looking forward to it!

Hi Gwen,

This is very exciting.

I agree with Scott: at some of the most crucial, critical moments you’ve added descriptions that, although are beautifully written, are frustrating to me the reader, and certainly would not be relevant to Mary in her desperate flight. When I’m reading in a state of such high tension I don’t want irrelevant description. I want one thing only: to know what is going to happen to poor Mary. The best example of this is here:

“In the early mornings a couple of dozen walkers and joggers took to the trail and on weekends a family or two would get out their bikes and “make the loop,” but today, as on most afternoons during the week, the trail was deserted.”

I would have preferred something like “at this hour of the day the trial was deserted.” Or even shorter, like “… not a person in site.” Something from the perspective of Mary. She wouldn’t be thinking such long, drawn out sentences.

I hope that makes sense.

It’s really a good piece, breathtaking, actually! And now I am very frightened for her! Good job!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by  Margie Deeb.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by  Margie Deeb.

Hi Again, Gwen,

You’re welcome for the feedback. I recently read “Wool” and wow oh wow, there was major suspense and terrifying action taking place! I couldn’t read fast enough for my mind to inhale!

I thought of something as I was trying to sleep (and couldn’t) so got up to write to you.

Something to consider: Unfortunately I’ve had a lot of experience with bullies and sadists. And have done a lot of research and studying to try to understand them. Their main goal is to inflict pain on another for the sense of power it gives them. Yes, they want the other to experience pain, but that is not their primary goal. Their sole aim is to inflict pain.

I’m thinking your sentence about the bully wanting Mary to experience pain would be more accurate if it reflected that goal.