Always carry more water than you need

I love this, Ann. I felt like I was there with you including the angst filled separation and the unknowns. Not to mention the lack of water! (Four hours?)

I loved the self-deprecating way that you delineated Ron’s optimism, as opposed to your outlook. Priceless!

Your use of descriptive terms throughout (the hostel, weather, “little more than a faint goat path”) brought me right into the hike.

I am at pains to find anything wrong. I think I’ve made my quota for critiques but if I haven’t I’ll come back for any commas to take out. 😉

Great job!

The descriptions were good. There were at least two typographical errors that I found. Was this fiction or non-fiction? I have never traveled in those areas but your description seem so real.

Ann,

What a wonderful…story? Memoir? Personal essay about how not to take a walk?

Whatever it is, I felt like I was there with you. I spend my life lost in space, so I can imagine how you felt on the walk from hell.

The time you and Ron were separated was so graphically expressed it gave me the chills. I was a little less freaked out by the water shortage because dying of dehydration usually takes a bit more time than it feels like it will, but my relief when you found the spring was real. Then you ran out of water again! Clearly you weren’t drinking enough retsina. An extra bottle would have been a real help.

I enjoyed your writing very much. My only dislike? I had to constantly repeat my mantra to keep from running away: “I am a beginning writer. I don’t have to write this well.”

I am going to learn a lot on this course from writers like you.

Judith

Hi Ann,

I like the episodic nature of your tale. Particularly liked the description of the overnight cottage and the “dreary city of Grenoble.”

That said, what the narrator wanted, had to have, drive was not clear to me. At first it was anxiety over her boyfriend disappearing (and why he just disappeared wasn’t clear to me), but with that setup I wanted the “drama” of the narrative to be about finding him again. I guess given the title it was about having to have that water, but I never got a sense of real need for it.

I think if you could spell out to your self the driving anxiety you felt that day and used that as a thread that you wove through it intentionally, arranging some of the parts to fit, you’d have a stronger story.

IMHO 🙂

Michael

Ann,

I love Kurt Vonnegut (and actually have talked with him) and this reminds me of his quote about the character needing something, even if it’s a glass of water. 😉

I couldn’t find Joe’s comment about water that you referenced. Can you point me in that direction?

Thanks!

Ann, this is a lovely story.

As other people have said, I’m right there, with you character, struggling with her thirst in the heat, and getting frustrated at being separated from her partner. I can really picture this as being an exotic location, just from the simple but effective descriptions you provided.

What I’m going to suggest is more of an addition, than a criticism. I’d love to have known more of your companion’s character. Perhaps a little dialogue would bring that out?

Other than that, a beautiful, well researched (based-on-life) piece, which functions well as a story. Thanks for sharing.

Katie 🙂

Ann,
What an adventurous trip and an exciting journey. Your descriptive writing made me feel like I traveled with you. I was even a little parched toward the end 🙂 The only real critique I have is that in one spot you typed “Samaria Gorge” and another “Sumaria Gorge.” I’m not even sure which one is correct, but wondered if that was a slight typo (I’m stretching I know :). Awesome Story! Thanks for sharing.

I caught the “climber” typo and also noticed you spelled Samaria two different ways (Sumeria? Samaria?). There were a couple random punctuation things, but nothing too crazy.

So… I bought a book at a Grand Canyon gift shop called “Death in the Canyon”, chock full of stories similar to yours. Dehydration really is a killer, and I’m glad you’re alive to tell the tale! What a life experience!

I would love love love for you to add some more inner thoughts, more tangible detail about the terrain. It’s a good story, and it keeps moving, but we are distanced from the struggle. Pull us in! I know you can. 🙂

I enjoyed the story. It was an interesting read, and I wondered what would happened to the characters in it. Romantic getaway goes south! Or was it North. Which direction is the water in?!

“My boyfriend of three months didn’t answer.” – This one just jumped out at me for some reason. Too early for telling. Perhaps he just marched off angry because he didn’t want to talk to her.
On the other hand, “I hoped he was okay.” brings the rest of the paragraph into focus.

“I climber higher, …” Typo that I barely caught.

The second paragraph starts well and ends well, but the huge sentence in the middle made me have to re-read a couple of times to see what was going on.

Somewhere between the second and third paragraph, I didn’t catch the transition from things that HAD happened to things that were happening, possibly because there are more ‘had’s at the beginning of the 3rd paragraph. Anyways, I didn’t realize I had made that mistake until I was near the end of the story.

What was the lady’s expression?

I bet that salad tasted like heaven! An insightful personal story, thanks for sharing.