Terranhk

James you have a done good job creating the unrelenting despair of the world that you’ve created.

I like the way that you summarize what the character as managed to grok about the language as “shit and move.” Good telescoping.

However, its virtue is a bit of its problem, for me, it is so unrelenting, so black, I soon stop caring–sort of like those friends I grow tired of who whine too much. Early on, we have to see at least a glimpse of what he really wants, of what might change his condition. He may fail, ultimately, but if we don’t see any of that, we won’t root for him.

Michael

Although this is not my preference for reading material, you did a good job describing all of the details. I, like Michael, am wondering where you are going. Maybe this is too brief of a word count to reach that conclusion.

James,

As usual, you’ve done a really awesome job of world building. I wondered why your character was in that predicament, and that made for some compelling reading.

However, I felt like a lot of my questions were left unanswered. Why is he there? What has he done? Is he alive, or is this some kind of after-life hell?

He is clearly a prisoner of conscience, mentally flayed by his sense of having betrayed dear Annabel. Her emerald eyes are the only colour in this whole black-and-white world. Is he in this hell, because of this betrayal? It felt like that might be a partial explanation, but I couldn’t help thinking, there must be more to it, than that? How did he get there? Who put him there?

Will you be expanding on this piece? I’d love to make more sense of this story.

Thanks again, for sharing.

Katie

I love this, even as a stand alone piece, though I hope it is part of something bigger, and I want to read more!

You’ve really captured the despair and remorse of your character. I hope it is not too late for him to act on the lessons he has learnt!

there were a couple of sentences that I didn’t quite get, for example – ” If one looks into their eyes, he’ll know fortune if they rip every ounce of skin from his body with their cruel whips. “. You might want to think about re-wording it to make it a little clearer – is the ‘he’ the slave or the master, and what do you mean by ‘they will know fortune’ if they rip the skin etc, I just didn’t quite get that.

But over all I LOVE the feel of it, your descriptions are awesome!

Hello James. My name is James. I just took a break from writing and wanted to pop over and try to read a couple more stories and I thought, well we have the same first name, let’s see what else we may have in common.

First, am I correct in assuming that this is the beginning of a much larger story? Brian R. and I know I read a couple of others as well, but now I can’t remember who. It seems many are also testing out some of their ideas for novels they are writing.

People are correct in that you are a tight writer and very good world builder. I can see the cell in my mind and picture the captors. Your protagonist is in a world of hurt, and I can feel it. The captors and big and ugly and I can see them and see why others fear them.

Because I am under the assumption this is just the beginning of a larger story yet to unfold, I don’t really care how it doesn’t resolve very well, but I would suggest that maybe you might try to give the reader a reason to want to identify more with the main character. Again – I am sure more is coming, but perhaps some clarification early on about how he ended up in the cell. Give the reader a reason to care – I guess is what I am saying. I think that would help boost this a bit, because while I loved your descriptive voice – I spent more time after thinking I really don’t know very much still about the main character other than he is in a cell and life there sucks.

I really do think you write well and I will keep checking back to see how this goes.

From one James to another – it is nice to meet you

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Hey James!

I like this, and for some reason it struck chords with me because of “In the Middle”. Even though the worlds are different, the question’s still there: Where am I?

Katie mentioned that Annabelle’s eyes were the only color mentioned in this world, but that’s not true. You also mentioned the emerald meadows of his prior world. So, your only color mentioned is, quite specifically, emerald, and it describes eyes and grass. So minor. And a few phrases where phrases could be reversed to strengthen the passage (passive verb kind of stuff).

I felt drawn to this piece because I could understand it without needing to think like a dwarf. Felt more accessible to a Fantasy-newbie such as myself, I guess.

Loved the bit about the words he’d managed to decipher. It’s almost funny, and that glimpse of humor in a passage like this gives the reader a chance to breathe for half a second.