Off Pebble Beach

Although I found the story compelling, an interesting read, it just didn’t appeal to me.

I felt the characters were painted realistic and acted their age. The descriptions of the parents were well done. Additionally, you showed the narrator’s emotions pretty well. These are all challenging things to do, so I feel you have quite a bit of skill to be able to express these things.

There were a few parts that confused me or needed a little work:

Joy braked the just about new ’63 Electra in our driveway.

Just about new and new, really doesn’t make much difference, but it reads smoother if you just say new.

Mom, propped on pillows beneath her crucifix pierced with last year’s frayed palms, read Leon Uris’ Armageddon, nodded at my announcement and said to my Dad, “David, you have to read this. It’s about the war.”

Too much going on for me to follow.

The car hummed down Barcelona, our street, and I said to Michael, “We know you’re getting in,” meaning I wasn’t.

I didn’t catch the earlier references to college, so this confused me. You only make a single reference to Stanford.

I looked out the window at the hills, which the moon had turned phosphorescent and sent cascading towards the sea.

This one is a little more subtle, but it creates a dangling modifier issue where you are suggesting that the moon sent the hills cascading towards the sea. I’m thinking you meant the shadows of the hills, though.

Misspelling – Rode = road

That’s all I got. Thanks for sharing this story. Looking forward to seeing what other kinds of stories you write.

This was an interesting read that kept my attention. I wasn’t sure where you were going with it (that’s the point, I know), so I kept expecting Joy to drive off the cliff after all. Glad that didn’t happen!

My only real comment here is punctuation. Your writing style seems to rely on phrases within phrases within phrases, set off with commas. That’s all well and good, but in some spots it takes a lot of concentration for the reader to keep up. I gave up in at least one spot. It pains me to even say it, because I’m a commaphile.

It’s obvious that you definitely know who you are as a writer. Thanks for sharing!

Interesting story, Michael, capturing a moment in the saga of growing up. I wanted to read it, because I’ve been enjoying your comments on various pages.

I love the paragraph when he tells his parents, and it’s almost as if they don’t hear him. Typical parent reaction to a teen who often goes driving with his friends along the coast.

There are other moments which really caught me – the description of Joy as twiggy flat and the next paragraph with the Buick looking like a landing craft.

You expressed well how young they are, gossiping and immaturely annoying each other. There’s also a lot of drama when the narrator wants to get out of the car and plans it so he’ll fall down the cliff.

Still, I remained a little puzzled about what went on here. Perhaps the ambiguity is deliberate. I’m not sure if the narrator is upset because he feels they did something wrong or because he’s gay and only had sex to prove himself to Michael, on whom he appears to have a crush (or does he?), or because he couldn’t manage the sex part with Joy (this is really not even hinted at if that’s what happened). He shrinks away from Joy because? I could come up with many reasons. Perhaps that’s what you want, but I’m not sure it works. I find it weird that he mentally calls Joy ‘Miss Virgin Puss’ when she’s willing to have sex with both of them and to drive them to the beach to do it.

Also, the cry made me think that Michael had hurt her. The way she lay on the beach, I thought she might be dead. It wasn’t until the last line that I realized the narrator wasn’t upset because they’d killed/raped her, since she was obviously alive. Before that, I didn’t know if they’d left her on the beach and taken her car or not.

One inconsistency – at the start Davy is sitting between Michael and Joy and then after the argument he’s shrinking against the door.

Loved the last line.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by  Ann Stanley.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by  Ann Stanley.

Michael, it’s interesting to me that your cad bears your name. Is that intentional?

I think that the kind of story you’re trying to tell – subtle, deep, and rich, with forgotten bits and varied interpretations – is much more difficult than an adventure story or a romance. You face a world of questions about what to show, and how characters realistically react.

Also, taking a longer piece and cutting to meet length requirements can mean important bits get left on the cutting room floor.

The fact that Joy is in love with Michael is one of those bits. It explains why she’s willing to lose her virginity by having sex with both of her friends.

Good luck with the longer piece.