I Choose to Love

Margie,

I really felt your character’s frustration at losing her friend, and for the years during which their friendship stagnated.The resentment and hurt feelings are so true to life.There is so much emotion in this piece, a thoroughly interesting inner dialogue.

I wouldn’t worry about the word count, unless you intend to submit it to a competition for stories of less than 1,000 words.

My suggestion for improvement concerns the point of view perspective of the story. It changes twice quite abruptly. The first time is when your main character shifts from thinking about her former friend in the third person, to addressing her in the second person, the imaginary ‘you’. The second shift is towards the end, when she is distracted by the cardinals in the stream.

This is probably true to how we think, but doesn’t work so well in fiction. The first transition could be made smoother if you have the main character thinking about how much she want to tell her friend how she feels. Perhaps you could have her mentally crafting a letter to send to her friend.

The mention of the cardinals is interesting, but perhaps too much of a distraction from the original theme of lost friendship. I would shorten this scene, perhaps to just a few sentences, bringing your character out of her daydream, and back to reality. Perhaps even the reality that she will never be able to bring herself to write such a letter to her dismissive and distant friend.

How does that sound?

Thanks so much for sharing.

Katie 🙂

Margie,
I enjoyed your story. Having lost a couple of friends by their own choosing the story resonated with me. I appreciated how you attempted to have an open conversation about it.

Loved the tone. I could hear the struggle. All in all it was good. I do think if you shortened it somewhat nothing would have been lost. At times, when we shorten pieces it causes them to be more powerful. Good job.

I am immediately there on the rock with you, the narrator. I feel the frustration of a self-centered, know-it-all-don’t-need-you friend. I am mad at her.

You show your anger perfectly for this beautiful piece:

I threw a pebble, hard and far as my arm allowed, downstream. I listened for the splash. Our rules, I shook my head. I should have laminated them, they were that strict

This ending abruptly of a friendship causes a greif with no answers. She didn’t die in a car wreck, or cancer or anything else but her royal rulebook. That rulebook will leave her cold and has left you bereft. If you truly mean what you say here:

I would make the same choice if I had it to do over. I would choose to need her. I would choose to love her.

then you just might be able to patch this many-decade relationship back together and heal two hearts at the same time. I hope that can be.

I think this is a beautiful story, and I love the natural motifs for your storyline, the gecko and his nerve-endings and then the communal relationship between cardinals; whether they need all of those songs to sing or not, or that they seem far more advance than some in that they choose to be fed by their partner whether or not they need it.

I was caught up on the friend suddenly speaking, the point of view that has been addressed, but that didn’t bother me as much because I was there to find out the reason why. Something you haven’t found yet and I am so sorry.

What a beautiful story. I’ll be interested to hear what you have done with the input from Kathy and James.

Best!

Margie,

I liked the cardinals. Especially the line “I’ve seen female cardinals feed themselves.” Very poignant and moving. Sometimes friendships end that way.

I’m an editor by trade, so my first impulse is to edit what I read. I think what you have posted is an excellent first draft, but it needs to be pruned into shape. And, I might add, you’ve written a good story with enough detail to survive pruning.

We’ve all had friendships that break down, and when it happen it’s always painful. But most friendships don’t last 30 years. This one was special, but although you tried your best to believe it would all be okay, in your heart you knew it was over. Now that it’s official, you can move on.

I lived the leaf landing on your outstretched palm. What a great omen.

Judith

Hey Margie,
I could resonate with our story of losing a close friend. I think that is the most important thing you can do – is resonate with the reader.

I got lost a bit with the cardinal, but loved how you were sitting outside thinking about the situation. You took me there with you.

If you could shorten it a little I think that would help.

Thanks.
Brenda

I enjoyed your piece. You have some very strong lines. My favorites :
I recognized the bread crumbs.
The use of the word laminated in describing the rules.
WHy did you retreat so hard into your self containment.
The paragraph detailing, At that moment was the most telling for me
and when you shared giving your all, The beauty and the mess.

You repeat the same meaning / feeling / emotion one meaning is powerful enough and leaves the reader with that connection. Makes it stronger in my opinion.

As beautiful as the image of the cardinals were I didn’t think it had a place here. Maybe another story ?

It ended strong and captivated me.
Thanks for the read.
sjpage

Really liked this! I can relate, although my friend didn’t call me. She just disappeared. (I happen to think I’m a good friend, thankyouverymuch!) Anyway…

Not personally worried about strict adherence to the word-count goal, but I think Joe marks down for it. 😉 Just kidding! If I story is more complete at 1,086 words vs. 999, as a reader, those extra 86 words don’t bother me. Obviously, if you’re writing for publication or an agent or something, you’d want to follow that guideline.

I loved the bit about the cardinals and the 25 songs, but I can see how only part of that illustration really works for this piece. It’s really lovely, though.

Also love the laminated rules card and the “I know” conversation.

My real issue is the POV shift. I read your response to Katie, so I understand what you’re trying to do accomplish, but it’s jarring to read. Maybe even mentioning her name or “friend/whatever she is, I’ve always recognized your stubborness, etc.” would help that transition it for the reader instead of jumping directly into addressing her with no warning.

Hope this helps. And thanks for sharing!

Hi Margie

I enjoyed reading your story.
The first paragraph caught my attention, roused my curiosity, and made me keen to keep reading.
I love the way you create an interesting situation with that opening description.

I also like the way you flow so smoothly from description to inner monologue – and back.

I have to give one piece of critical feedback, so here it is:
I think the number of voiced grievances weigh the story down at one point. By having so many grievances listed, including an accusation of being ‘far more childish,’ the text risks, at one point, becoming less a story, than a list of grievances – which may not be easy reading for some readers.

I enjoyed reading your story, and it has made a real impression on me – especially the references to cardinal lizards and the twenty five songs.
Thanks for sharing it!

Best wishes
Stuart.

Margie, this is a really good story. It’s easy to connect with the narrator here and feel her frustration and struggle. Trying to figure out what’s in another person’s head is difficult, and you do a really great job of painting the picture for me.

As I read your story (a couple of times) – I found myself thinking, Ok we understand that the focus is the main character’s struggle with how their friend now seems to be isolating themselves from what the narrator finds important. But then I find myself also thinking about the flip side of that. In what way might the main character have changed that the friend no longer feels any connection to them. I mean that last phone interaction had to be pretty dramatic both ways you would think. I thought how would you tell this story from the friend’s perspective and in what way might the friend see things differently if the focus was about the narrator. Really got me thinking that’s for sure.

I will say that I agree with Katie’s comments above. The cardinals are great, but probably could be left out and still keep the story moving. Trust me I do this all the time – and there are so many things that you think sound so great it must be included, but often it really doesn’t. I know that your intent was symbolism for community, but I honestly – that was kind of lost on me until your comments to Katie.

I also think that the switch over to the conversation part of the story – kind of breaks up the narrative and makes it seems like two different stories a being told, one from the conversation she is having inside her head, and the other as an actual conversation she has had with her friend.

Here’s maybe one way of getting the same point across. I doubt it will save the word count, but that’s not my forte’ anyway.

Example:
There were times when I needed you to hear me, to hear what I needed to say to you, and for you to understand my frustration in how things were somehow different between us. I planned and rehearsed my words, trying to make you see through my eyes. My longing to reconnect with the friends we were when we’d perform imaginary interactions between members of the Royal Family for each other in the kitchen and laugh until our stomachs cramped.

The hurt I felt that day will stay with me, because at that moment I realized that for you, believing your lie was more important than me. And that your arrogance was damaging me. Damaging our friendship.”

I don’t know – that is just my perspective, but hopefully it says the same thing.

Besides that’s why God made first readers and editors – am I right?

Really a good job.
J.L.S.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Schmidt.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Schmidt.