Do I Belong?

Hi Katie,

You captured that awful tearing feeling of wanting to go and wanting to stay so well. My heart aches for the narrator. Good job!

I also like how well the mother is painted through her words and actions – really well done.

This paragraph paints a particularly vivid and memorable image:

“She starts dusting the ornaments on top of our old Victorian cast iron mantle piece. It’s cluttered with pictures of our family through the generations. She hides her face from me, but I can see from the reflection in the mirror that her eyes are rimmed red, and she’s fighting back tears.”

I’d read your piece this morning and it stuck with me all day.

TO make the piece read a bit stronger, I’d delete words like “seem” and “like” and “may.” For example:

“Mum picks up the morning paper, and I can just tell she’s flicking through to the jobs section. It’s like she’s in denial.”

It’s clear the narrator knows she is in denial, so how about saying “She’s in denial.”

Or in this sentence: ““You’ll keep an eye out for something here though, won’t you, poppet?”…“Of course,” I say, making a promise I know I probably can’t keep”

It’s clear the narrator knows she won’t keep the promise, so how about “…making a promise I won’t keep.” or “… a promise I know I won’t keep.”

That would tighten up the writing, and be stronger.

Really description and evocative piece. I enjoyed where it took me. Thank you!

Katie:
You are a gifted writer. The beginning-all my life I have lived in the shadow of a mountain—sets the mood. Even as you leave, you are pelted-as if the mountain is punishing you with grey and hard rain.

There are small mistakes in this, but they are not crucial. Look at this paragraph:

“You just have to tell them it’s not suitable. All your money will go on rent and bills. What if they decide not to keep you on?”??“That’s just a risk I have to take.” I sigh heavily, Mum sighs too.??“You’ll keep an eye out for something here though, won’t you, poppet?”

Don’t you have to start a new paragraph for each speaker? Also, there is a mis-spellingk of hear-should be here.

This sounds Canadian and of course families have had to move to follow the mines—
and they do. Today this is a relevant topic.

I like the title but guess I would say-Who Do I Belong To? Then I would make the story about whose dream this is. There is allot of emphasis on the beauty of the place and tradition, but not so much about (you?) separating from your mom’s dream. It’s there but not featured. This is a lovely piece and sooooo true. But, most of it is about what she must do and what she is losing. Is there not something she wants? I wrote a poem about this very thing and it had two repeated lines
How can I bear to leave
But can I stand to stay?

I liked the perfume very much.

I would repeat the shadow as if it followed me all the way to the train. And I would take it with me along with the perfume. It is not easy to leave home!!!!!

Wonderful topic-a pleasure to read and it will stay with me.

Katie, this is really lovely. Maybe one of my favorite pieces from you, so far. Very strong and vivid.

I agree with Margie about going through and removing those beloved filter words (“feel”, “seem”, “see”). There weren’t many of those, though.

For example:

You can see homeless people sleeping in doorways;

This could very easily just say “Homeless people sleep in the doorways”. No need to point out that we can see them.

Love this, Katie! Great job.

Well done Katie. This is a very vibrant and moving story. It was easy to connect with both the main character, as well as the mother. You really feel for them, their town, and the future they face. It’s a very engaging story and I did enjoy reading it.

I had some similar issues trying to cut and paste the story into the blog. I noticed several errors right away that I had trouble figuring out how to correct. However, I didn’t really pay too close attention because I feel that if you get the story right first, it’s easy to correct the grammar and punctuation second. I think that you have got the story right BTW.

The one thing I will add, because I suffer from it myself, is trying to over describe things. I’ve got it in my head now because I recently got the same advice myself.

Ask yourself, even if it’s some great writing, if I cut this part or that part out, is the story any different. Did I make it worse by cutting something. If the answer is no, not really, then it’s probably OK to cut it out.

Example:
There are several times you refer back to generations of this family living in this town, at this place. You might see if any of these references can be removed and then see if it still reads like you want. It’s a matter of taste really, but it’s just a suggestion.

I think this has the makings a really good tale and I enjoyed it.

Great work.
J.L.S

It never used to be this way; generations of my family have lived in this village, survived two world wars, and the mining strikes. Then came the latest economic downturn, and our own little community has been felled like a stack of carefully balanced cards. Shops are boarded up, businesses that have been around for generations, have folded.

Interesting how the town could survive two world wars and mining strikes, but an economic downturn could wreck the community. Excellently add, though more of a side note detail. Some might say it is unnecessary, but I feel the level of detail in this piece is part of its strengths.

I loved how you portrayed this separating of mother and daughter. It was heartfelt for both characters, and I immediately identified with them both. I especially loved how you drew in scents to trigger an emotional reaction in the reader. The execution was perfect, and had me thinking of how I could once remember the smell of my mother’s perfume.

The dialog between mother and daughter was cared out masterfully and is poignant.

Like the others, I feel a little fine tuning would help the piece, but to me, that is too obvious a comment. This may be more of a personal thing, but I feel the mother wouldn’t shut the door, but would stand there, staring after her until her daughter was gone from sight.

I knew that magic would happen when you achieved the emotional expression in your characters. Mixing it with your wonderful descriptions creates an atmosphere that I can only describe as magic and surreal. Your Magic Realism is coming to life!

I’m simply amazed by your stories anymore. Thanks for sharing Katie.

Powerful piece Katie. The picture you paint of the landscape, the cottages , the footprints of the visitors reckless nature it was vivid and captivating.

I too agree on eliminating weak words. They take away from the emotion . Ex: I murmur almost apologetically. Almost is not needed. It’s stronger without.
When Mum calls her Poppet, I felt it in my heart, the closeness and her sadness.

Your description of the elderly neighbor and his ailment being a nightly alarm through thin walls , I could hear him cough.

I enjoyed the back story of the generations and the history of the town as well.
Thanks.
Suzie Page