The Windfall

Hi Susan,

Is this a story or a chapter (or excerpt) of a longer piece? I’m thinking it’s the latter, and that you’re setting us up for Lori’s adventures as a counselor?

I liked how you used the stained glass as a way to tell us about Lori and what she wanted.

Your descriptions are strong, especially liked the ones at the beginning.

I found several of the sentences rather long and containing many points. Run-ons that got me confused. Like this one: “Later, she would remember those moments as foreshadowing her adventure being a school counselor in Oregon; it was indeed a time when red tape had not yet infiltrated; it did to stand between “needing to do” and manifesting results.”

And this one left me confused: “Dedicated to the five regions of Oregon, multi-levels at Erb Memorial Union towered and dipped, rugged wood beams were wrapped inside and out in verdant green; corridors were labyrinthine and mysterious, lit by the sun through walls of glass and grounded in stone.”

I think you have a character here that is strong with drive and feeling and can be fleshed out to make a compelling story.

Hi Susan!

Like Margie, I liked how you started off with the Tiffany Lamp. With the story itself being focused on desire and motivation and other intangibles of life, the lamp sort of grounded it – made it more tangible, while also setting the stage with this colorful visual image. Also like Margie, I felt this was just the beginning of what could be a larger piece. I wanted to know more about the experience that drove her to Oregon and also about how the counselor position does or does not help her heal and/or pursue her dreams. In a longer piece you might be able to do more, too, with the canoe/river metaphor and I think there is something more to be said about how her “understanding came too late.”

I might suggest rewording this bit: “as her blood spilled across her work place while she honed her skills cutting glass.” The spilled blood is indicative of her effort, of course, and probably to be expected when cutting glass! But adding “across her work place” created – for me anyway – this grotesque picture of blood everywhere and immediately made me think the story was going in a direction that it ultimately did not.

🙂 Gwen

Susan,
I liked the way you gave us a piece of your character right away – that she was trying new things and she was creative.

I liked the various picturesque descriptions throughout.

I agree with the other commenters that there are several places where the sentences were quite lengthy and hard to understand. Work at trying to tighten them up and be sure you’re describing what you mean to describe.

More paragraph breaks would be helpful. I was kind of lost in places.

A strong start could be instead of “Lori stood admiring the two lamps she had completed in her first ever experience working with stained glass.”
“it was her first attempt. Lori stood back and admired the two stained glass lamps she had made with her own hands. It was her first creative endeavor since fleeing Eugene at Christmastime…”
then give away her other learnings slowly, instead of all at once – if we don’t keep tension then the attention is gone!

Keep on writing!