Blain Syndrome

Very good, very interesting! i like the report you have at the beginning and then the flow into the story line. I’d like to know why they called it the ‘Blain syndrome’.

I think you’ve got some good descriptions of the physical symptoms of the illness. Maybe you could work in some good descriptions of the psychiatric side of it – rather than just saying its anxiety and panic, how do those states make him feel?

I’d love to know what happens next!

Exciting start, with the news report of the many cases and lack of knowledge about the cause, then the person with the syndrome and finally, the pumping noise. The reader knows something awful is about to happen, we just don’t know what.
This is a wonderful description:
He rolled over to get his legs to the floor. His stomach muscles contorted and he winced in pain, folding his chest over his knees and almost fell out of bed. The pain always came in waves. He waited a few seconds to let it pass.
I feel the pain intensely. I like that he considers going to the hospital.

You have a lot of repetition, especially in the news report. It isn’t necessary to have the news reporter say something and then the doctor say the same thing, almost verbatum.

If the is the future, I doubt he’d have an ipad. You could dream up some glamorous device.

You use a lot of extraneous words. For example, he can “stand,” he doesn’t need to “stand up.” He doesn’t need to “know” so much, since we’re in his mind.

However, I wouldn’t bother cleaning this up right now. Draft away! It’s best not to spend time on the details until you have the whole story written and like your plot. You might end up throwing out or radically revising this chapter after you write the rest.

Brian. I had read your story last night and had even written a what I thought was a pretty good critique for you, but we also were dealing with heavy thunderstorms here in the midwest and I lost power before I could get this posted.

Now I am approaching this from the perspective knowing that you are testing chapters of your book to see how they read and get feedback, and so I am trying to keep that in mind knowing that more will be revealed in time.

I love these types of stories. I can see why you listed King, Howey, and Card in your intro. I don’t know if you have read The Fifth Wave by Rick Yancy, or Cyber Storm by Mathew Mather, or Maze Runner by James Dashner, but your story starts off in a similar fashion.

First, Ann beat me to the punch, but I too agree that the news area can be shortened or, if you feel the need to keep everything, reworked just a bit, because there is a bit too much overlap there. It’s good and I am definitely telling you I would keep it in some form because it sets up the scene. But, I personally thought this read a bit rough.

Now I will say that because you are submitting pages/chapters for your book – I get that the story ends the way it ends so that doesn’t bother me. You write very descriptively. I would agree with Kate’s suggestion in that – Graham’s life is in a sort of upheaval and besides the physical pain (which you describe very adeptly), how is he being effected psychologically. How has his having Blain Syndrome effecting his life with Sarah and the kids, his friends and coworkers. Is he trying not to let them see the trouble he is having dealing with this and how does THAT effect his mental state. Build the psychological as well as the physical a bit more.

Also – and please understand I a merely offering a suggestion – it’s totally your story, but what if the story starts off with where you ended it. Graham wakes up from a terrible terrible nightmare. He can’t sleep again. His body aches and hurts all the time. Because he can’t sleep he grabs his iPad and reads the article, which makes him jittery and on edge (the psychological), then he hears noises and ends up downstairs.

Again – it’s your story and I only mean to help so write what fits you – but maybe it offers a different perspective, which is why we are all here, I hope.

OFF WE GO BRIAN –
James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Hiya Brian,

Reading the beginning of your story, you remind me quite a bit of one of the writers at my publishing house. He very often uses newspaper articles, government reports, and even an occasional journal entry as a way to share pertinent technical information with the reader.

Some people dig it and others’ eyes glaze over and skip to the next part (I am from the later group, btw).

Axe the repetition of the same thing over and over and you should be golden. Or get rid of it altogether and bring some kind of resolution to the noise in the basement.

The rest of the story flowed just fine, but I didn’t feel like anything was actually resolved. I want him to have some sort of hope or respite from his symptoms before you plunge him back into agony 🙂

Another thing to consider is varying your paragraph structure. They are all a bit on the long side.

An interesting start. I’m curious to see where you head from here.