Up, Up and Away

Wow… just wow…. chills went up my spine on so many levels – the story itself is amazing! The way your writing drew me in, great job! The ending, of course, is exactly right.

The first paragraph is a bit stilted or stiff or something – I think you were trying to condense your history into a few sentences but it felt a bit disconnected somehow (starting with where the church sits seemed abrupt – maybe it was the verb tense – sat – I had to read the first paragraph twice to try to figure out where you were going with it. You seemed to relax after a couple of sentences and then it was easy to “hear” your voice. Once you started telling your story it flowed better.

Great story!

This is a LOVELY story! Yes, I agree it might be a God-thing. 🙂 The only bit that threw me out was a slight sense of detail check-list when it came to talking about the past. The more recent history was vibrant, and it flowed. I think the tiniest bit of editing would make this just perfect. I really appreciate you sharing this. We do serve a marvelous God! Thank you so much!

Brenda,

I was really worried about your balloon. That it landed in the next state at a nursing home where a balloon lift off had just taken place, that the maintenance man found it in a tree(!)–all these events do sound providential. The nursing home got my attention. I was afraid a relapse was in the offing, but thankfully no.

You write a very sweet story. Is it fiction? Memoir? I couldn’t help feeling it was true. It brought tears to my eyes.

I’m an editor, and editors edit. Your story could profit from some tightening up and general reworking. But that can all be done, by you or someone else. The story is yours alone. Without a story, the best editing in the world is helpless.

So, yes. Read it out loud to yourself. Your ear will tell you what to change. Just don’t change the story!

Thank you for sharing it with us.

Judith

Brenda,
It is fun to see God work in our lives in such unique ways. I enjoyed reading your story and the overall content is GREAT!!! I too am interested if this is fiction or not.

I think the overall flow of the piece could have been a little smoother. Some of the sentences were very descriptive, but maybe a little too long or choppy. One example might be “Looking back, remembering the small whisper of God assuring me that I was going to be alright has been significant in my life, revealing to me God is real and He wants to assure us all that He is with us.”

Thanks so much for sharing!

I love the power of prayer and appreciated the line “I believe it was the prayers of the people in that little church on the corner who had a huge impact on my cancer being healed.”

Amanda

Brenda,

I very much liked the way you contrasted your casual take on Christianity, centered around social expectations and your more private beliefs later on. I loved Oncers 🙂

I think a little editing would make it flow better. For example instead of “I was excited to get to be involved,” try, “I was excited to be involved.” They say the same, but eliminating extra words improves ones style greatly.

Michael