Number 22

Build Your Writing Platform
Without Abandoning Your Writing › Forums › Critique Groups › [SCC] Rule 1, Exercise 1 › Number 22

Tagged: ,

This topic contains 8 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Ruthanne Reid 10 years, 10 months ago.

  • Author
    Posts
  • June 4, 2014 at 9:41 pm #3680

    Justine Foster
    Participant
  • June 6, 2014 at 2:04 pm #3783

    Jyl
    Participant

    Loved this – I KNEW what you were going to do when I “saw” the bedroom light go out – Loved the “silent contract” you built between the neighbours.

    One paragraph took me out of the story – the dog goes in the catflap and the next sentence talks about “she” – I had to re-read in order to figure out “who” the “she” was – at first I thought it was the dog.

    lovely story. I could see the wall, the weeds, the rose bush and the bird bath, even the boys, LOL. Well done!

    Scared to death, clueless and wondering if I should just crawl back under the covers and forget this writing thing….

  • June 6, 2014 at 2:16 pm #3784

    Justine Foster
    Participant

    Thank you so much for reading it – I thought it had been left behind in the race to the next exercise!

    I see what you mean about the 3rd paragraph, good point. And I spot a couple of typos, can anyone tell me how to edit once it’s been posted?

    Thanks again.

  • June 6, 2014 at 8:47 pm #3801

    Ruthanne Reid
    Participant

    So interesting! It feels like the opening of a novel. I wanted to see more. The only thing that gave me slight pause (and only mentioned because we HAVE to say something we didn’t like) was the use of the word “had.” It threw me out of the rhythm, for some reason. However, I really like this story! I wish there were more.

  • June 6, 2014 at 9:46 pm #3807

    Judith Shaw
    Participant

    Rats! I hit the wrong button and deleted my whole critique!

    It is a good story, well told. Your voice was perfect for the male character, and your description of his changing state of mind was spot on. The boys peeing in her birdbath was priceless, the rotten little buggers.

    A few things could be changed, sentence structure in some places could be tightened up, but the essential ingredient, the story, was strong. I want to know what happens next.

    Judith

  • June 6, 2014 at 10:06 pm #3811

    suzie page
    Participant

    Wonderful descriptions. She was pretty in a faded way. I felt strangely deflated. We became nodding acquaintances after the peeing incident.

    Would have kept reading, you had me and I wanted more. I liked that they both had a silent commitment at 5:25. A courtship of sorts.

    The male voice was strong and believable. The boys peeing in the birdbath , brilliant. What a way to make an entrance , hero after her heart.

    Thanks, hope I get to read more.
    sjpage

  • June 6, 2014 at 10:21 pm #3812

    Justine Foster
    Participant

    Hello everyone,
    Thanks so much for your thoughts and thanks for the crits all of which I totally agree with.

    I just reread it and yes, Ruthanne, way too many ‘hads’ that are now screaming to be deleted and yes, yes, yes Judith, I need to edit my loooong sentences and overuse of commas.

    Learning so much after just one exercise!

  • Author
    Posts

You must be logged in to reply to this topic.