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Without Abandoning Your Writing › Forums › Critique Groups › [SCC] Rule 1, Exercise 2 › The Capture
Tagged: fear, Legend, looking inward, power of thought
This topic contains 11 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by 
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June 5, 2014 at 2:05 pm #3729
Absolutely lovely. Totally captivating. Can’t think of anything to critique. Did it help the little girl?
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June 5, 2014 at 3:19 pm #3748
Justine:
Thank you. I also am captivated by the legend and worked to try to write it well enough.The little girl had a thousand reasons her mom was dying even though the docs had all good news. She told me-“But she is so old!!!!” I asked her how old mom was, and the girl said, wailing at the sound of the damning truth that she was “almost 30.” “Oh my dear, I said, l am almost 40, and think I have a long life ahead.” We were walking around the track on the playground. She visibly moved away from me so that I wouldn’t topple over onto her, should my time come. I laughed out loud inside.
Well, as to if my story helped, time and much good news all helped. but I am sure she was forever changed by her brush with mortality at her young age. But the elephant in the story was too. She learned to hide so fear did serve.
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June 5, 2014 at 2:12 pm #3731
Susan, What a lovely story. Is it from the Jataka tales, the anterior lives of Gautama Buddha? I read a lot of them long ago, and they always go straight to my heart. Thank you for reminding me.
Judith
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June 5, 2014 at 3:24 pm #3749
Judith:
Thanks for reacting to what you liked thinking of Jataka Tales. I’d like to say yes, but actually, getting over a love disappointment, I bought a book called When Lovers Are Friends by Merlel Shain and she told that story and I never forgot it. I have a whole library on fear.
Thanks and I especially enjoy your replies beginning with your reference to your Tom. I had a horse named Tom that became the subject of My Champion.
Stay in touch,
Sue -
June 6, 2014 at 12:21 pm #3774
Wonderfully told.
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June 6, 2014 at 12:30 pm #3775
Thank You Chase:
I was a great fan of the Power of the Myth-all the books by Joseph Campbell, but I wanted to tell this legend, like poetry-with just the right words. These things do wiggle in sideways into the subconscious I think, and can make a difference.To the best of Wigglers!
Sue -
June 8, 2014 at 11:20 pm #3907
Beautifully told, you honour the story into legend.
PS. On a personal note, I’m dealing with my own insecurities and fears and so a comfort to read.
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June 11, 2014 at 6:04 am #3992
I enjoyed this immensely Susan. How fitting for this course! Thanks for sharing.
I wouldn’t change anything. I think you nailed it.
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June 11, 2014 at 9:36 am #3995
Hi Brian:
I have been toying with trying to illustrate this legend and putting it up on i-Book. I think i-Book entertains illustrations. I like to paint and have been doing oil paintings for years. This could be stunning-don’t know if I could do it justice, but it is such a good story and applies to all of us I think.
Thanks Again,
Sue -
June 11, 2014 at 12:46 pm #3997
I enjoyed this a lot, Susan. The story has real power to it. The elephant’s fear is palpable in lines like this:
But she kept running as fast as she could go through ever deeper canyons where the sun never shone; she escaped into the farthest corners of the Himalayan Mountains, where no one knew her, indeed no one ever came, and still she ran, never slowing her pace.
Your opening line drew me right in, and the story flowed, pulling me along.
There are small things to fix. I had to reread
Soon enough men captured the white elephant.
several times to parse it. Do you mean that it took a large group of men, or that it happened quickly, once the king wanted her? I would take out the word enough and put a comma after soon. If you wish to keep enough, then use a comma to explain your meaning.
You have an occasional misplaced comma. For example, in this sentence, you don’t need the first one.
The men that chased after her, tripped on the tropical vines, and were stalked by the jungle animals who celebrated her get-away.
Finally, you could cut a few buts and ands and replace them with periods to clean things up. Overall, though, this is wonderful, and I love the idea of illustrating it.
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June 11, 2014 at 3:51 pm #4006
Thank you Ann:
I am aware of all your comments and really think they are right on—so valuable—especially since you are a person of real experience (I love the horse lover part of you). Anyhow, I brought the story to an old (in every way) friend who is a master watercolorist but who has sort of given up and is ready to die. I thought he might like it enough to say he would illustrate it. He is fabulous—was an editor for Sunset Magazine for years, and his watercolors and oils adorn our hospital here on the island. I can get him to critique the writing, but I am trying to coax him into doing a legacy piece of illustration for i-Book. If he will not-if he won’t-well-I can. But, I have no illusion that I am as good as he is.
Ann: Lessons further on in this course ask that we do interviews of our fellow Cartelistas and feature them in some way. I have a Blog that is continually getting followers. I have re-blogged writers and also put up a story of someone in my writer’s group (Mazatlan) on my blog, so I might have complied. But you are taking this course and are more appropriate for this assignment. Would you be interested in doing a guest blog? The blog I am thinking of for you is about moments of transition. These moments are called “watershed,” “transformational,transcendent, unforgettable” etc. I use the term “Magic Doors” to speak of them, for even if they are not noticed as one passes through, life is never the same afterwards. I am sure, reading your work, that you have had such an experience. Are you interested? This blog is called Portals: http://www.susancarnes.wordpress.com.
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