Jonah

Brian – First, I just have to let you know that we are in another thunderstorm as I write this. Why is it that every time I read your stories – there are storm clouds present. Maybe it’s a sign of sorts, I don’t know, but we have enough rain now to last for a while – thanks, I guess.

I first want to start by saying that – in your class introduction you talked about writing a novel where each chapter could stand on its own. I think with just a tweak here or there this story can do that. It’s like a scene from a screenplay. Obviously I would like to have more background, but if this is just a part of a bigger work – then I kind of just go with what is here.

I think towards the back half it really starts going – As a reader, I really start to wonder along with Florin about why the data paints a totally different picture than what it should. It gets rolling and its engaging.

My suggestions:

First – when I read the Secretariat – I immediately thought of the horse. I went online to make sure that I didn’t misunderstand the name – and unless Google or Bing has something different – That’s the first thing they come up with as well. You might consider changing this title – it gets a little confusing.

There are a couple of paragraphs that I think would be better as one paragraph than two.

Example:
Florin and Jonah had once been colleagues at the IPCC. Their paths diverged when Florin chose bureaucracy over science. The work he did now no longer resembled science. More like accounting or business management. Florin worked in boardrooms and offices and high level meetings with politicians and business people to influence and set policy and allocate budgets.

Jonah had no taste for that work. He preferred to work in the field where he got wet from the water he measured and could feel the arctic wind that he analyzed bite at his cheeks. He could never sit at a desk all day pushing numbers from here to there, nor could he stand at a podium spewing sound bytes for the politicians to repeat on the news nets.

I think if you were to combine these two paragraphs it would reader better as one strong one.

However, when the actual guts of the meeting start – then I think things really get going. I got into it then – I mean what would cause perfectly functioning equipment to send back perfectly contrary data? That’s really good. I builds the tension quite well.

One last suggestion – The conversation with Anna – Perhaps he might still have the discussion with Florin more on his mind (you know, distracted like) – Then she might query him as to some of the details and empathize with his concern – because that meeting was serious business. Then, at the end of the conversation have her draw him back from his problems of the world and focused more on having a romantic evening. I would think that might be more natural – I mean she doesn’t even ask him about the details, unless he can’t discuss that with her for some reason – if that’s the case then the reader should probably know that as well.

Again – These are merely suggestions. I eagerly await when more of the parts start to be revealed. Keep going – I’m rooting for you.

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Really interesting! I’m definitely intrigued by this novel’s concept. The characters felt fleshed-out, and I enjoyed the pacing very much!

I’d say the only thing that really needs a touch-up is punctuation. Two examples:

Well here goes he thought.

“Thanks Ellen”.

That should read like this:

Well here goes, he thought.

“Thanks, Ellen.”

Then one more:

“Brilliant, beautiful, … and smarter than you.”

It either needs to be, Brilliant, beautiful, and smarter than you, or Brilliant, beautiful… and smarter than you.

Hope that helps! You’ve really got an interesting gem here, and I’m heroically resisting the urge to ask you for the answers. 😀

Dear Brian,
You describe physical things excellently! Like the graphs changing and hovering. That is flawlesss, and I could see it as clear as watching a movie.
I really like your dialogue – it flows like speech and was easy for me to “hear” the characters talking.
When I read “Florin’s assistant shook Jonah from his momentary self-absorption.” I saw the assistant physically shaking him. I realized after a second reading that was not the case.
This confused me a bit: “Florin nodded and smiled graciously. He seemed slightly annoyed now.” The 2 sentences contradict each other. Maybe show us that he is annoyed? Or not so gracious?
You might want to rearrange a bit here for clarity: From “Jonah pushed the report from climate engineering from his handheld to Florin’s desktop.” to “Jonah pushed the climate engineering report from his handheld to Florin’s desktop.”

There are some places with periods outside the quotations, and punctuation errors, but those are easy enough to find & correct.

I don’t know what a “jab to the nose” is. I can guess. Have never heard that phrase. Not suggesting a change, just wanted you to know I’d never heard it.

I like how you’ve set up the two character at one time having been close then diverging – good tension. I feel some conflict a-brewin’ and I like it!

I think the scene with Florin is so well crafted. The tension is built up and I am itching to learn what is going on!

Thank you so much. I am a big sci-fi fan and look forward to reading more of your work.

Brian,

Your story scared me.

Write some more immediately.

Pay attention to punctuation. It actually does something.