Not a Creeper, I Swear

Hi Ruthanne!

This is a fun read! You did a great job of developing John Baron Grey’s voice and have given the reader a strong sense of who he is from how he thinks and speaks. And of course, with John watching Katie, you also give us a sense for who she is, which was an effective approach for introducing her as well. I thought your decision to throw this line in at the start – “Katie isn’t Fey. She’s Kin, and that right there is a whole barrel of trouble.” – really set the stage for the story, though of course, we only begin to get a sense for the trouble in this particular passage.

For me as a reader, I got a little thrown off by the reference to Edward Cullen. You’ve written a piece that has a sort of timeless quality to it. This is a story where there are very traditional ways of thinking about family. You reference a famous side character from a story that has been around for ages, and then there’s the point about the prophesied dragon where you have John making the assumption that the reader will know about how prophesies work (which many of us do because prophesy is one of those story elements that has a long past). But then: Edward Cullen. It’s funny, don’t get me wrong, but as we get further and further along in time, I suspect fewer and fewer people will get the joke. [Who is Edward Cullen??] Off the top of my head, I can’t think of another figure you could plug in there, but for me, the introduction of this contemporary character was jarring.

That said, I’m sure that was partly your point. The reference does make clear the time in which the story is taking place and I’m sure that’s meant to be a bit surprising to the reader (if they’ve not already figured that out). Is there maybe another way this could be conveyed that will let your story stand on its own?

I suspect your audience enjoyed this piece. I know I did!

–Gwen

Great voice, a fun read. I was less enamored, though, with the second paragraph, maybe because it seemed the most telling. Also, the movie poster reference and Edward Cullen both threw me, for different reasons, although they both seem like anachronisms.

Really love the voice of this piece.

There were a few sections I wasn’t sure on–the paragraph introducing us to the white dragon, for one. I assume that’s referring to the Christmas Dragon story, yes?

As much as I like Twilight (I know, I know!), the Edward Cullen reference jarred me, as well. It made me pause to consider when this story takes place, and then I had more questions which detracted from the story. From your other responses, I see you’ll likely remove that reference, which is probably a good idea. Some literary figures are timeless. Will Edward Cullen stand the test of time? Meh… Probably not. And, yes, Edward Cullen’s the quintessential creeper.

I don’t get into stories about fairies and dragons usually, but I would with a narrator like John!

Thanks for sharing! Loved it!