March 1604 - My Story Cartel

This topic contains 6 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by Gwen Watson 10 years, 10 months ago.

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June 15, 2014 at 5:41 pm #4146

Mirel Abeles
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Well, you caught me up with this right away. Is this part of something longer? It sounds like it. Very strong writing.

I was wondering why he was afraid of being seen, because that wasn’t clear to me. I know that you wrote that seeing him would risk the mission, but I’m not sure why…

Also, wouldn’t they only be able to smell the gunpowder if the guns had been fired? If not, it should be closed up well so it shouldn’t get damp and ruined. Other than that, can’t think of anything else. I’d read on…
- June 18, 2014 at 10:55 pm #4251
  
  Gwen Watson
  Participant
  
  Mirel,
  
  What a lovely name! Thank you for your kind words. Your question about being afraid of being seen prompted me to update my copy because I can see how this might not be clear. I added “stowed away” to this sentence: ““We have 40 men, women and children stowed away down there who will believe the Doyen has forsaken them.” Does this make it clearer why they don’t want to be seen?
  
  And your gunpowder question is a good one. I’m going to have to research this a bit. I was thinking – and what do I know about these things! – that because gunpowder has a strong smell, previous discharges(?) of the cannons would produce a scent that would come to pervade the space even when everything is packed up and not in use. But maybe that’s not so at all. I’ll have to find out!
  
  Thank you again!!!
June 15, 2014 at 9:34 pm #4155

Margie Deeb
Participant

Dear Gwen,

I like being dropped right into the action – thank you! Very tense!

The dialogue between the narrator and Elder has a formal quality that conveys a dignified gravitas – made me realize how important Elder must be.

i didn’t understand this following, but feel sure that I will (or would) upon reading the whole thing (assuming this is an excerpt): “We have reached land’s end and alas, the Tall Ones will now build here, too. Roaming has always been our way of life and now that way is gravely threatened. Nevertheless, though we have traveled far and wide across many lands, to undertake a voyage across the sea— Well, that our fellow clansmen will not do.”

The only thing that confused me in the whole piece was this sentence:
“I had expected the atmosphere to be somber when we first set sail, but the revelation gave rise to a mood that was gloomy and dispirited.” To me there’s not a whole lot of difference between somber and “Gloomy and dispirited.” They are so close in intensity, I don’t see why “Gloomy and dispirited” gets a “but the revelation gave rise to…” Not sure I am explaining it well here. If you don’t know what I mean, please ask.

To me this is very strong historical writing. Thank you.

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- June 18, 2014 at 11:10 pm #4252
  
  Gwen Watson
  Participant
  
  Hi Margie!
  
  Thank you for putting so much thought into your response. Okay, so on the point about the Tall Ones and land’s end, this being 1602, they are likely on the far West coast of Europe where the land seems to come to an end. Of course, they are setting sail because it’s not truly land’s end and they hope to find a new home, but for a people who’ve never been at sea, it might as well be.
  
  Your point about somber and gloomy and dispirited gets right to a struggle I had while writing this. So what I want to say is that he knew everyone would be down when they set sail (because they were leaving home and traveling the sea), the fact that the Doyen hasn’t appeared has left them feeling not merely scared and concerned, etc., but they’re feeling abandoned and sort of hopeless. I think dispirited covers that, but gloomy is too much like somber. I’ll have to think more on this and find a better word or set of words.
  
  The “revelation” is the fact that the Doyen will not be joining them (which Hantar tells them before Atnas arrives in the cargo hold). Of course, the word has Biblical undertones which is also somewhat intentional – going back to the mood among the group and the loss of their old life. But the mere fact that I must explain makes clear that I have some work to do here!
  
  Again, I so appreciate your comments!
June 17, 2014 at 7:35 pm #4224

Ruthanne Reid
Participant

Wow. This must be part of a novel, yes? I have this sort of Master and Commander-era vision in my head of hobbit-like people (which may be totally wrong, of course!). I would LOVE to read more!
- June 18, 2014 at 11:15 pm #4253
  
  Gwen Watson
  Participant
  
  Hello Ruthanne,
  
  Thank you so very much. This was an idea I had for a novel I hope to write, but have not started yet (actually, I guess I’ve now started it…) It would be book 2 of 3, if I ever get book 1 done. Your vision is not far off! Though Master and Commander hadn’t occurred to me, your suggestion of it is giving me all sorts of ideas… Yeah!
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