Feedback Needed

Hi Chase:
I confess your story left me wordless, so I got a glass of wine to think about it. Out of the ordinary for me, but really memorable. I know you have the sort of talent that Stephen Colbert, “America’s ballsiest pundit,” has. It is important that writing give us visual images (I think) and I have vivid impressions of Romeo in a plastic knight helmet bumbling up a bedsheet toward his Rapunsel in green facial mud (thank goodness she has a perfect face). You are definitely a different generation then me, probably grew up on Letterman’s tiny plastic depictions. Great! I enjoyed this story of yours and you have a “voice” to hone!

Now, you may (or may not) be flogged by bleeding hearts for “drop kicking” the dogs and that furry creature that attacked the Mormons on bikes; though you are not being politically correct, (maybe get insurance against being sued by the ASPCA, the image is—breath-taking. I actually think I would exaggerate it more. When our lovely green heroine got hit by a rock, (gravel?)l guess I’d describe the swelling and call it “endearing.” I assume the repeated phrases are for emphasis (sort of like poetry) sort of. the whole thing reminds me greatly of a scene from Forest Gump. The allusions to her being violated, they make this piece more then a romp of fancy.

There could be some corrections-like use “had written” instead of “wrote” to show the action happened before. But, your descriptive phrases like “total douche” and “unibrow” made me laugh. You can find another word better then “pathetic.”

I think you are “on to something.” Don’t stop! I thought your piece was one of the most entertaining I had read in a long time. Work on your adjectives other then the phrases you toss off that take ordinary folk (like me) a-back. I like to “right click” an adjective and see some alternatives. Make it even more vivid. Put unlikely things together! This gets a thumbs up from me!