How to Break Down Obstacles and Face Your Fears [reading]

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My grandmother, Bonnie, was a very good writer. She was actually my second cousin, once removed, but to me, she always felt like more of a grandmother than a cousin.

Bonnie was a poet and would often meet with a local writers group that critiqued each other’s poems. She was also a family historian, and spent many years writing a memoir of my family’s history going back to when the Buntings first came West. To research the book, she even travelled to the small, ugly mining towns in Utah and the ranch in Oregon where my great-great and great grandfathers lived. The book she wrote is the story of my family, the story of me, and to me, it’s priceless.

But Bonnie was not a story sharer. I never read her book or her poetry while she was still alive. When she died in 2002, I wasn’t able to thank her for the years she spent compiling our history. I wasn’t able to tell her how much I admired her poetry, and that one day, I hoped I would make her proud with my own words. I wasn’t able to tell her because I didn’t really know she was a writer. She never shared her stories with me.

5 Obstacles to Sharing Your Story

Your story is meant to be shared. It would be a mistake to withhold your story from the world.

And yet, we hold back all the time. Why? Here are five obstacles stopping you from sharing your story and how to surmount them:

1. Perfectionism

Bonnie, like most writers, was a Perfectionist with a capital P. She wrote a poem that I love that says:

Given a gem-cutter’s mind
In this chainsaw world,
All my cuts are—
Too time consuming
Too painstakingly detailed.
Too uselessly exact!

She knew she was too concerned about perfecting details and was able to laugh at herself (and the world) despite it. However, her perfectionism had a major consequence, it kept her from sharing her story with the people who loved her the most. It would have been better to give her children and grandchildren like me an unfinished story than to keep it from them for fear of criticism.

The Solution: Practice in public.

Instead of perfecting in private, practice in public. Recognize that your story isn’t perfect. It’s practice, and that your next story will be better. However, stories were meant to be shared. Be courageous and vulnerable. Share your story.

2. Fear of Rejection

I once asked over fifty writers what their biggest fear was. By far, the biggest answer was fear of rejection. We’re afraid our story won’t be taken seriously. We’re afraid our story will be ignored completely.

And so we hold back, refusing to share our story because of the possibility that people won’t like it.

The Solution: Fear makes us better.

We are all scared. And the reason James Patterson’s books aren’t as good anymore is because there’s no chance of him being rejected. Fear makes us write better.

Seth Godin says, “Write more, write better, share often. It’s entirely possibly you’re not good. But the key word that’s missing is, ‘yet.'”

You’re job isn’t to be unrejectable. Your job is to share your story.

3. “I deserve to be paid for what I write.”

Writing is a tough business. You spend years writing and rewriting your book. You finally finish it with a great sigh of relief. Maybe you send it off to publishers or maybe you decide to go the self-publishing route, spending thousands of dollars on editing, cover design, and printing costs. Finally, you publish it and… you sell 25 copies.

I don’t blame you for getting frustrated when someone like me tells you to give your book away for free.

You do deserve to be paid for what you write. I want you to be a full-time writer. The truth is though, that art making is the second most competitive industry in the world, second to athletics.

The Solution: Generosity leads to Success

Drug companies give out free samples of their medications to doctors because they know that after you run out, you’ll probably want to pay for a prescription.

Bloggers know the best way to get people to subscribe is to give away a free ebook. Some people will unsubscribe immediately after, but the ones who don’t often become lifetime readers.

And bestselling authors know that you always give the press free books hoping they’ll review it in their magazines and newspapers. The difference is that now everyone has an audience, everyone can review your book (on their blog or by word of mouth), and the benefits of giving your book away are higher than ever.

4. “It’s got to be right the first time.”

A cousin of Perfectionism is the idea that your story has to be right the first time before you share it.

I once asked an MFA student at one of the top creative writing universities in the country if her program had an emphasis on publishing. She said anyone who would tell you to share your story before it’s ready would be doing you a disservice. After all, when you publish, “you could get criticized.”

While, I agree that you should share your story when it’s ready, I was shocked that her fear of criticism was stopping her from publishing. Instead of being courageous and vulnerable, she allowed herself to be controlled by fear, and because of that, held back her best work from the world.

The Solution: “Real Artists Ship.”

Steve Jobs said, “Real artists ship.” If you want to be a real artist, you have to publish. Picasso painted more paintings than almost any other artist in the history of art. Some of it wasn’t very good, but he shipped.

Leonardo da Vinci said, “Art is never finished, only abandoned.” The truth is you will always be criticized. Your stories will never be finished. You will always second guess your own work.

 5. Permission

Some writers hold back from sharing their work because they feel like they don’t have permission. Instead of publishing their writing themselves, they wait until a publisher discovers them and says, “It’s okay. You can share now.”

The truth is a publisher isn’t going to find you if you’re not out there looking. You build a reputation and earn friends who can help you by sharing your stories.

As we’ve shown, stories are, by definition, meant to be shared. You don’t need permission. You are entitled to it.

The Solution: Empower Yourself

Repeat our mantra, “I am entitled to share my story. I am entitled to share my story.” Then, go share it somewhere. A friend shared his first book entirely on Facebook. I know people who have tweeted their novel 140 characters at a time. I’ve read dozens of novels that were given away online for free, even before it became popular to do it on Amazon. You have permission. Take it.

In Praise of Good Enough

Despite all my grandmother Bonnie’s insecurity and perfectionism, she did eventually share her story. Unfortunately, it came after she had died. My grandfather Gene found the following poem in a stack of her writing, and I think it will encourage you:

Perfect, as they all said she was
She recently declared in favor of good enough
Still reaching too often after finding her limited grasp
Too far extended
Settling in her mind for not quite
While keeping sights turned on ideals she held
Acting all on her own contriving help, refusing assistance
Dismissively—control maintained ’til God said,

“Forget it! There’s lessons to learn!”

And this from John Steinbeck:

And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.

Sharing your story takes vulnerability and courage. If you need a pep talk, watch this great talk by Brené Brown. It won’t cure your perfectionism or fear of rejection, but it will make them easier to spot and defeat:

The whole world may not need your story, but someone does. For the sake of that person, share it.

Which of the five obstacles above do you struggle most with? Share in the comments.

Move on to the next lesson.

Comments

    Speak Your Mind

    *

  1. Mirelba says:

    First off, I want to thank you for sharing that great talk by Brené Brown.

    As to the five obstacles, I grapple with some form of most of them, but if I have to limit it, then I would suppose then the two I struggle with most, are the fear of rejection and the issue of permission, which I think are connected. I feel, however, that what you call permission I call validation. Since a publisher’s acceptance in not really permission in my eyes, but recognition that my work is worthy of publication; rejection means that my work has been deemed unworthy.

    One of the advantages I do see to self-publishing, is that it bypasses the obstacle of where to send my pieces in the first place. It is hard for me to figure out what would be the best place to send my work, however if I publish it myself, I don’t have to worry about that, do I?

    • Thanks for this, Mirel. You make a good point about self-publishing. It definitely simplifies the process in some ways. Of course, in others it tremendously complicates it. Whereas before, the only name you had to know was Penguin, now you have to know who to hire to edit your book and design your cover and who the best book bloggers are for your niche and who to use to send your email newsletters through and who to get author endorsements from and on and on. In the traditional model, the publisher knew all the linchpins, all the who’s. In other words, they had a Cartel (which we’re going to talk about in the next section). But now you have to build your Cartel on your own, and you really have to do it whether you self-publish or not. It’s harder, but it’s also liberating. You are in control now.

      • And I suppose you guys can be my source of validation, my authorization that my writing is worthy. Although when it comes to a book, I’d still much rather have a printed edition sitting on my night table any day…

        • Absolutely!

          And I prefer having a printed book too, which is why we’re going to talk about just how to print your book and have it look as professional as any book you’ve ever owned soon. 🙂

  2. Rejection is hard, no matter what. My heart still sinks when it happens, although I am getting thicker skin. Writing for free is my other one. I think because I’ve been approached so many times to write for experience, when I was struggling to earn a living as a writer. The things I was being asked to write were things like grant proposals, which I had no interest in. Also, the people asking had money to spend, but decided that writers were hungry and they didn’t need to pay any longer. I made a decision at some point to say no to that, since the people asking would not spend a day working for me without pay. I know that’s not the same as writing fiction; however, it is something I struggle with.

    • I agree on both points. Art is valuable; talent is valuable; time is valuable. Heck, even a work ethic strong enough to soldier on in the face of rejection is valuable. And yet if I sit here and wait for someone to tell me they’re going to pay me, the story I’ve loved writing for so many years will never be seen by anyone. Definitely a point of vulnerability for me.

  3. Audrey Chin says:

    Brene Brown is so inspiring and so funny. I loved the talk!

  4. Steve Stretton says:

    Brené was most inspiring. She is spot on with the vulnerability bit. As for my greatest fear in all this, I guess I’m most afraid of losing control of my work if I share it. I want to be sure that I can still sell it (if that’s possible) after I share it.

  5. This is the second time I’ve watched Brown’s TED talk. I definitely resonate with it.

    I struggle the most with fear of rejection. This comes from previous rejections of my work (speeches and writings). I’ll get five quick “great job” remarks from others, and just one tough question or reply, and then I shut down, wondering “was that worth it?”

  6. Melissa Bailey says:

    I struggle with #’s 1 and 2: Perfectionism and Fear of Rejection

  7. KathyPooler says:

    Both perfectionism and fear of rejection are probably my main obstacles IF I allow myself to buy into them. When I think about it,rejection is part of the process. I have been rejected many times and lived to tell about it. So I have to negotiate with myself to face down my inner judge. I love this video, especially having the “courage to be imperfect”

  8. Fear of rejection and “right the first time” are definitely my biggest problems. I obsess over how perfect my first published book must be and worry that even if I think it’s finally right, no one else will.

  9. Perfectionism is an obstacle I struggle with most. I write a story and often change it at least three times. That’s because I’m afraid it won’t be good enough and might get rejected (Oh. Thats a second obstacle I have to struggle with).

  10. Tiersa Danielle says:

    Ok so I struggle w/1 & 4. Not only does it have to be perfect but it has to be perfect on the first draft. This makes absolutely no sense at all because I’m clearly clueless as to what I’m doing but nevertheless it is my truth. hilarious.

    • First drafts are for imperfection. In fact, you should intentionally leave in misspellings sometimes, just to remind yourself it doesn’t have to be perfect and you’re going to come back later.

  11. Marcelo Matus-Nicodemos says:

    I think perfectionism does affect me but what really hits big is the fear of rejection. Not that I’m afraid of sharing. Possibly I’m more afraid of receiving negative feedback. Usually there’s this rush of positive thinking, where I tell myself “This is awesome! People are gonna love it!” When that doesn’t happen it’s a major let down. In other words, negative feedback feeds my critical self and makes me more perfectionistic. Yet, negative feedback is unavoidable.

    • Are you willing to risk negative feedback to get positive feedback? Your story may not connect with everyone, but it may connect with someone. Are you willing to risk it for that person?

  12. Number 1 has been a bit of a problem, especially when I began writing papers in academia. One wrong word and an entire league of academics would rip you apart and declare you a garbage scholar. Seems fair, considering that’s the only way many of them will feel relevant.
    However, I continue to practice (and practice in public) because I’ve finally realized the world doesn’t end when some people don’t like your work. I just spoke with a first-time published author who had his entire book ripped apart in a magazine and the writer of the article felt entitled to do so because “they were in the same class in school.”
    His response, “I must be doing something right to generate that much hate.”

  13. Myrna Guymer says:

    Rejection is definitely number one for me, even though I share my works-in-progress with members of two writing groups. I ask for and appreciate having my work critiqued. Sometimes I think too many critiques/opinions on one manuscript are detrimental to creativity, especially when the work is not finished. Too many opinions – think rejections – can sidetrack the flow. I heard Brene Brown before. Great presenter. Thanks.

  14. For me, it’s probably a toss between #1 and #4. I knew by the age of ten that I wanted to be a writer, but I was well into my adult years before I had the courage to share any of my work. The piece wasn’t perfect and if I went back today, I would rewrite and change many things. However, someone who saw some value in my work, posted it on our church blog. That one simple act gave me the courage to move forward. #4 is a big one for me – I struggle with wanting to get things perfect the first time. I work a story in my head before I ever sit down to write and often ideas remain in my head and not on paper (or computer). When I do sit at the computer and “just write” the stories begin to flow and take on a life of their own – often different than my original plans.

  15. Definitely number 1. I have completely stripped stories of their essence because I was searching for perfect. And it’s MY perfectionism, not the public’s. I know when a paragraph doesn’t quite work or when a sentence doesn’t sound right. But sometimes I honestly don’t know how to get it right and my critique partners don’t know how to help me. I’m learning to let some things go, and submit a story even when I’m not completely satisfied.

    • That’s a great distinction between the perfectionism your readers want and the perfectionism YOU want. I was just reading a letter from F. Scott Fitzgerald to a new writer. He said, ” You’ve got to sell your heart, your strongest reactions, not the little minor things that only touch you lightly, the little experiences that you might tell at dinner.” You should read the rest here:

      http://101books.net/2013/03/25/one-thing-you-need-to-be-a-professional-writer/

      I think it connects to what you’re saying about perfectionism.

      • staci troilo says:

        Gosh, I love the PS in that letter. It spoke to me almost more than the letter itself. We might have the aptitude to do the work, but what about the heart? My husband and I tell my kids stuff like that all the time when they’re approaching difficult sports situations (black belt tests, football rivalries, difficult tennis matches); we tell them it’s their heart that will make the difference. I never really applied that to my craft before. It kind of left me breathless for a moment.

  16. staci troilo says:

    I’m in your aunt’s camp. I’m a perfectionist. I see it as I write. I’m not sure how I ever even completed any novels, because as I write, I edit. When I sit down to begin each day, I can’t start until I review the previous day’s work and edit that. I’ve been a perfectionist my whole life. And, while that served me in school, helping me excel in academics and extracurricular activities, I understand now that could be holding me back. I’m sure I could write faster if I’d just WRITE, then edit later.

    • I hear you, Staci. You have to give yourself room for the process, and the process is a big freaking mess.

      • staci troilo says:

        I love that. Big freaking mess. Truer words never spoken.

        • You know, yesterday was the very first day in my whole life that I was able to write without editing. No matter how many times I hear “silence your inner critic”, I can’t stop the editor/inner critic/perfectionist from talking and interrupting my writing. Until yesterday – when I got up at five, and he hadn’t woken up yet. 🙂 I’ll think I’ll try that more often.

          • staci troilo says:

            That’s great, Erika! Maybe I need to figure out when my inner editor sleeps…

  17. I would have to say fear of rejection. The hardest step of writing and publishing for me was to start telling people that I was going to publish novels. When I told the first few people, I literally whispered it to them – with my heart pounding. Then after that, I felt the same type of anxiety after I’d published my debut novel.

  18. I’d have to say the obstacles I struggle with the most are “The Fear of Rejection” and “Permission”. Fear of rejection can sometimes also be a fear of starting and a fear that my writing will be bad. I hate this feeling.

  19. I stopped asking for permission when I realized there was no one to ask. I had to give myself permission to be me. Thank you for the TED talk by Brene Brown. I am encouraged to be seen.

  20. Amy Padgett says:

    Without a doubt, my biggest struggle here is fear of rejection. It makes it very hard to receive constructive feedback.
    And by the way… I just want to say thanks for sharing Brene Brown here. Since I first read her about 4 or 5 months ago, she has become one of my heros. So much wisdom in what she says!

  21. I’m not sure what category it falls under but for me the idea of spending all kinds of time, energy and emotions pouring into writing a book, for no one to ever read would be horrible! My brain just says no, don’t do it!

  22. The question which obstacle do I struggle with the most was answered by elimination. I’m certainly not a perfectionist as my kids would be more than willing to attest to; ‘right the first time’ doesn’t fit either. As a new writer I’m not delusional enough to believe I deserve to paid for whatever falls onto the page; fear of rejection is a close runner up. By eliminating four I’m left with permission. I tend to follow rules (when convenient usually), but on the whole I do follow rules. I never realized this about myself until my daughter’s wedding last year. The pastor asked me to watch him for my signal to stand when she was ready to walk down the aisle. Imagine my surprise that not only did I do exactly what he asked, my eyes never left his face until he gave the signal. It dawned on me even as I was watching him that I follow instructions (which could explain why I get so irritated when anyone doesn’t follow my instructions!).

    Does permission go along with needing validation?

  23. June Perkins says:

    Wow – I think I’ve worked through all these obstacles, but my biggest obstacle at the moment is probably finishing half begun larger projects and truly sharing them.

  24. Brene Brown’s video left me breathless. I had to get her book Daring Greatly.

  25. there is so much food for thought in what she says, I wonder if there’s a transcript of this, anyone know?

  26. jenn_kn says:

    This is the second time I have heard this talk. It has wowed both times and I think I should bookmark it so that I can listen to it again, if noill sadly lose its impact. These are crucial words of wisdom and human understanding that we need for ourselves and others. Vulnerability: lean in.

    • jenn_kn says:

      As for what I struggle with most from these five listed I think it is #4, although I struggle to some degree with all of them especially fear of rejection and perfectionism. But I can also see improvements in these struggles and that is encouraging.

  27. I think Perfectionism and It has to be right the first time are nearly the same thing. This is one thing that I suppose I have the most trouble with. I actually don’t mind sharing imperfect stuff at the small scale, but until my story is perfect in my mind, until it accomplishes all the things that I want it to, it is not ready.

    I don’t believe in shipping before it is ready.

  28. Impact other people…
    Open you heart…
    Write

    Be Whole

    Rejection hurts for a while,
    But Love lasts forever

  29. Laure Reminick says:

    Fear of rejection — or judgment. But the way I handle that is to do the absolute best I possibly can, each time. Then I will review and change, to the next level of best for me.

  30. Elisabeth says:

    Hmm, perfection has been the thing I’ve wrestled with most, but my last decade of experience in writing has been people with a lot of gracious critics, and I’ve learned (with the occasional wince) to embrace feedback as the enormous gift that it is. I’m not sure what my greatest weakness is at this point. Perhaps I’ll discover it as the course continues.

    • Elisabeth says:

      Ahem, make that perfectionISM. And I think my greatest need may be mastering the art of story itself, not just beauty and clarity of words.

  31. Katie Hamer says:

    I like this: “Generosity leads to success”. Generosity, and a desire to reach out to people, to connect with them, is what is needed to overcome all five obstacles. Perfectionism could stop me from writing altogether. I’m telling myself when I sit down to write, to just write something, and worry about it later. The quest to share my story helps me to centre my efforts externally, away from my fears and hang-ups. I am entitled to share my story.

  32. Having grown up with every decision made for me I learned early in life to doubt my ability to make decisions. I lacked the courage needed to make them and consequently each decision was painfully made after hours and sometimes days of deliberation. I could do nothing on my own, so I learned to just wait in the background for the needed permission. Without a doubt, I would say I still wait for permission. BUT, I have to add that I am growing in this area. Still there are traces left that I must work through.

    Loved the video.

  33. Sunny Henderson says:

    I struggle with perfectionism to a point, but also know it’ll never be perfect. Where I get bogged down is with it having to be right the first time. All I can think of is the saying, “you only have once to make a first impression”. It’s okay to be imperfect around those who know and love me. But what about my professional side. What if the first impression I make ruins my career?

    I’ve never put it into words before, but, yep. That’s pretty much it.

  34. Benjamin Paul Clifton says:

    I struggle with fear. I know I have these great ideas, but they don’t always come out right. I’m afraid of sharing my story and someone telling me it’s not good and then not feeling encouraged to write more.

  35. I used to struggle with Fear of Rejection, but then I queried the story that I believed was The One back in 2012 and got my first round of rejections and realized it’s not that bad after all. Turns out the lit agents were right about it too and I had plenty to still learn about.

  36. disqus_uw8kXCNacZ says:

    “The whole world may not need your story, but someone does. For the sake of that person, share it.” So true. After posting daily on FB for over three years (promoting my first book) I had a note from one of the many acquaintances who had become friends. She shared with me that all those posts and all the amazing banter that took place among those who checked in every morning gave her the courage to find her voice and to begin writing. Now I see her almost daily FB posts, follow her blog and anxiously await the arrival of her first published work. I’ll never forget reading her words that sited my daily ramblings as the thing that encouraged her to step into the big void and create something of her own. As I continue to write I hope it can happen again.

  37. Christina Lau says:

    I think i struggle most with Permission. Being only 14, I feel like I’m still too young and unexperienced to write anything anyone would want to pick up and read. I probably am unexperienced and I haven’t dealt with enough things to fully understand life as a whole just yet but I think I’d rather write from the perspective of someone who doesn’t know it all and isn’t jaded just yet than someone who’s done it all and has answers. If that makes any sense.

  38. Rhonda Walker says:

    I struggle with insecurity regarding to my ability to write that which will be accepted by all. Although half of my brain says someone needs to read or hear my stories or thoughts, the other half says I’m delusional. I write to make a difference and I’m fearful that my belief that my writing is valid and good is simply my pride and self-centered delusion.

  39. I feel that as we become older, we struggle less with insecurity because we have matured.

  40. Alison Alison says:

    Fear. And will I always be taking a peak from behind a tree to see if it’s ok to be other than the label I have tried to shake off as a doubter.

  41. Heather Reed says:

    “The whole world may not need your story, but someone does. For the sake of that person, share it.” This is encouraging and so true. I am often so afraid to “ship” because I don’t think anyone will be impacted by it. It’s irrational and unfounded. Many people have told me that my work impacts them. But it still scares me sometimes.

  42. I have to tell you, perfectionism is definitely my biggest obstacle to sharing my work. I actually just wrote about it on my blog: http://ebookaviatrix.com/blog/write-my-ebook/the-cost-of-perfection/

  43. By far the perfectionism and fear of failure rank highest on my list. The need of having it right the first time feeds into the perfectionism as well. For a long time I never shared any of my writing with anyone. Having my husband read my WIP the first time was horrifying. Repeatedly in my mind I was going over what “I thought” he was thinking. My self-doubt and insecurity speaking for me. I still get butterflies and anxiety when sharing my story with those closest to me. My greatest fear is having someone say, “You suck. What are you even doing this for? You aren’t a writer.”

  44. James Schmidt says:

    Perfectionism. Definitely perfectionism. Sometimes – Most Times – I just need to leave it well enough alone. I am afflicted by all (as are most writers, I’m sure) but that is by FAR my biggest issue.

    That’s why I enter contests. Eventually, no matter what, you just have to go with it regardless. Oh it’s hard, regret abounds after many a submission, but it just seems that the stories we have for ourselves are always better than the stories we actually give to others.

    Bonnie had it so right!

  45. Susan Carnes says:

    I suffer from permission to tell my story because it might offend my family. But, I have three sons who really aren’t interested in reading my work anyhow and their wives who are far more interesting, and interested in their families instead of my son’s families. I am cool with all of this and don’t bother to complain. I haven’t burned bridges, really I haven’t. I don’t ask anything of most anybody and can do just fine on my own, having a life, so to speak. So, do I have an excuse here? My strict Catholic upbringing, my continually being disinherited from my family as a child, should I run astray, says-shut your mouth.
    But is that so? I raised my kids to be nonjudgmental? Is this way of thinking coming from my parents? They were beloved in their own space and time. This is now. Maybe I just didn’t understand and have lived under a message they never meant to give to me. Whatever, I intend to move forward fearlessly even though shame and fear says “shut-up”. But, for all of you who don’t know this conflict, who never knew the pain of being rejected and beaten physically and emotionally, who were not admonished to never open your mouth—well-let’s just say, it ain’t easy. Fear and shame? Yes, they are my constant companions. I wrote My Champion about being “good enough.” This video about vulnerability? Well it is right on. But in order to be vulnerable, you have to throw it all in the air and believe in yourself. I don’t blame anyone and in fact, I feel lucky to have had the upbringing I had. Yes, this is now. I am a person glad for my inheritance and family, yet apart and individual. As such a person, I am entitled to write about my experiences-some of them-you will never know the whole story.

  46. Gwen Watson says:

    I have a problem with all 5! Actually, not #3 so much. I’ve been writing for years and have never been paid for it, so clearly money isn’t the issue.

    I think Fear of Rejection and Permission are my core issues. In my post to the second discussion question about Audience, I mention that my family doesn’t seem all that interested in what I write. Many of them are not readers and they’re each doing their own thing. In a way, this is a sort of rejection, the sort that can be the most painful of all, though I certainly don’t feel angry at them, etc. They’re busy, I’m busy, etc. In actuality, I’d benefit more from the “objective” perspective – having people read what I write who are NOT family members and who ARE readers. These are the people who can help me to be a better writer and at the end of the day, that’s really what matters to me. I just want to improve my writing skills!

    Permission is another area where I struggle some. I’ve tended to follow the thinking that says, if you’re talented someone will tell you and then you have the right to write more. (Funny enough, I do not subscribe to the opposite perspective: if your untalented, you don’t have the right to write more. You’d think on the basis of logic that I’d see how these are related ideas and that the latter would cancel out the former, but it does’t seem to work that way – I suppose because we’re not entirely rational beings…) I know, however, that I’ve been holding back due to the talent issue. Multiple people told me, years ago, that I should go to law school – that I’d be a good lawyer. Fortunately, I ultimately didn’t follow that advice. But no one ever told me I’d be much good at anything else, certainly not writing. I’d like that validation, though – that external voice of encouragement saying to me, you should do X (ideally, writing) because I can clearly see that you’d be good at that. It goes back to the objectivity I mention above. Is it enough to want to write, even if you aren’t very good at it?

    I’ve listened to the Robert Bruce interview and like how he framed this issue. There’s a lot to think about here – about the fact that we need to stop waiting to be “picked” and the fact that the establishment was once in power, but now that’s changing. That’s a good thing. I just need to absorb these ideas and join the writers out there who are sharing because they can.

  47. Chase Glantz says:

    I think I get hung up on permission. A lot of what I’ve written gets lost on the blackhole of facebook, and I never stick my neck out. I do have a voice though, and I know who I am… I think I just need to kick myself in the butt and do it.

  48. I’m feeling very inspired, on reading this excerpt again. What exactly is perfection?

    I hope to aim for authenticity, a story that is uniquely mine, but at the same time relatable. In order to do this, I may write 200,000 words, and publish only a third of that. My aim is to learn the novel writing craft, write a story that readers will enjoy.

    It would be awesome to sell many, many copies, but for now I’m going to stick to learning the craft. I fully believe I can do this!

    • I’m with you on this one, Margie. What if my stories don’t touch anyone? What if they seem boring and uninteresting to those who attempt to read them?

      And on the other side of the coin, what if I open my heart and reach into the depths of humanness, say something important, and make myself vulnerable and am shot down for it? How will I deal with that? Taking that step and saying “this is who I am, really, even if it’s complete fiction” is very difficult.

  49. This is fantastic material: the story of Bonnie, the quotes, and the TED talk: extraordinary. Thank you, Joe.
    There’s another obstacle, one that I deal with. What if my stories don’t matter to anyone. Not that they are outright rejected (I’ve experienced that as an artist all my life), but if they are met with “meh” by others… they simply don’t matter. This is a kissing-cousin to rejection, I think.
    And I think the answer is in the lesson: true vulnerability. When people are authentic and vulnerable, people will indeed resonate with them, with their stories.
    I loved this lesson and will listen to all of it again!

  50. Brian Rella says:

    I realized yesterday I fear being rejected by people closest to me more than I fear being rejected by people on the internet.

    Last night I finished exercise 2 and shared it with my wife. I’ve been writing seriously for 2 years now and its the first time I shared anything with her (we’ve been together for almost 14 years). Sharing with her was scarier than posting it in the forum.

    As it turned out she told me she thought I was a great writer and she really liked what I wrote. I didn’t realize how much I needed her validation meant to me until this morning when I sat down to write again. Crazy…

    This was a momentous exercise for me. Thanks Joe.

  51. I definitely have struggled with them all at some point. Making the choice to go indie helped me a lot, but the one I still struggle with is Permission. I feel like if I’m not a big seller, I don’t have any right to talk. 😀 I’m deeply grateful for this post!

    • Anne Peterson says:

      Out of all the obstacles I would have to say the one I struggled with was permission, but I think I’ve been steadily moving away from that. I have given myself permission to share my story. And it’s funny but as I wrote my second book, BROKEN, my plan was to make it my sister’s story. And though it felt funny when I realized it needed to be my story as well, I didn’t think I needed any body’s permission. I believe our stories are needed out there. I am not waiting for anyone to give me permission. But it is the one I’d have to say I struggled with the most.

  52. Juanita Couch says:

    My struggle is with the fifth example and my reasoning is that I have always been led to believe I had to fit into a certain mold and I just never quite felt that mold was where I belonged. I have felt my own worth but felt that a lot of people did not believe the same about me. It has been a real struggle in the past. Since I have found out that I CAN BE ME no matter what others think, I have achieved what I think are miracles in themselves.

    • Amanda Pattison says:

      I enjoyed the talk by Brene Brown a lot! And vulnerability is always something I have struggled with, but the obstacle I think that gets in my way the most is the fact that it has to be right the first time. I don’t like to share until all my ducks are in a row and sometimes that can hold me back be paralyzing. At the end of the day though it is more important to share a make a mistake while doing it than to never share at all. That is a powerful lesson to ponder. 🙂

  53. I, most definitely, struggle with perfectionism. After I’ve written something, I will often obsess over its perfection: I’ll read it dozens of times, think about it after I’ve gone to bed, and wake up feeling freaked out about a possible mistake I dreamt about. Aye!

  54. Joe, thank you for sharing Brené Brown’s TED talk. It was a great start to my morning and gave me so much to think about, especially on embracing vulnerability and loving the fact that you’re just enough. Just this morning I was agonizing how the starting lines of a poem I’m writing just didn’t connect or sound right. The perfectionist tendency in me tired me out so much that I just went to bed and rest.

    So to answer your question, it’s really perfectionism, wanting to get it right the first time, and the fear of sharing my work that keeps me from creating and sharing more. I once shared a poem with a fellow writer-classmate and he really drilled it down, which is great, don’t get me wrong. But it made me feel vulnerable and doubtful of my abilities.

    I hope to learn to fully embrace my imperfections and to just keep shipping.

  55. I would probably say that I have all of these to a certain extent, however I am working through them by practicing, writing more, sharing more and pushing myself everyday. The one I probably struggle with the most is the Fear of Rejection. I sometimes wonder if anybody even took the time to read what I published. I would be remiss if I didn’t say this bothers me at times, but I have discovered that even if no one reads, I am following after what I feel God has laid on my heart and being obedient to Him. I will keep hitting publish, keep sharing and praying that my writing will speak to those who need it the most, even if it is just me. Thanks. Brenda