A Special Breed

Oooh, that’s good. The ending was powerful. I definitely feel like there’s a whole novel brewing behind this tidbit. I want to know what happens! I would give just one word of caution, and that’s to watch present/past tense.

Present tense: “The politician opens the top right drawer, takes out a file and places it in front of John.”

Past tense: “John took the file and left without another word.”

Great premise for a story. I like the structure. Going from John to Elenora and back to John is a good way to show what John and the minister were talking about. I would like more details: a hint at the questions John wants answered, the reason the minister is giving him the file now, after years of asking those questions, an idea of how Elenora reacted when she was abducted and how she felt in the van. I think this could turn into a very compelling novel.

I loved the ending of this. It’s a great storyline. My only criticism would be the small section where you switched from past to present tense. I think that’s the hardest thing to master as writers. I look forward to reading more.

Wow, great premise and great ending. Regarding the writing, I’d use more show and less tell, and I’d avoid the shifts between the people. It’s wonderful giving different perspectives, but there are too many shifts in a short piece and nothing to ease us into the shift. If you wanted to develop this into something longer, maybe alternate between a chapter from John’s perspective and one from Elenora.

Content wise, I have problem with the logic. If 10000 people have disappeared, how are there 500,000 specials? The math just doesn’t add up. Also, by taking women with teenaged sons, they’re taking people with limited reproduction capabilities, which doesn’t make much sense to me.

These are all fixable issues, but doing so would strengthen the writing. Enjoy!

Love this: Even gagged, the jolts could not surpress the groans, as every inch of their bodies rattled like a half eaten pack of Tic Tacs.

Like the concept and it will be wonderful when you have time to flush it out and lengthen it as Mirel suggested above. It is confusing to do it all at once in such a short piece.

I woulde work to develop the character of John and his feelings. You could even reveal Elanora without ever introducing her if you stayed with John the whole time in this piece and then he could reveal seeing someone he knows – best friends wife. then maybe “now he’d have to decide. Is the minister more important than friendship?”

GReat premise, good beginning. Press on. It has wonderful potential!