Decisions

I don’t need any more train stuff and besides my room has become too small to set up the tracks and the little town the train ran through.

Unquoted/italicized thoughts. This should be distinguished from the normal past tense prose.

Dad turned to mom, “Got any ideas?”
“Not right off hand.” Mom said.
All of a sudden their faces lit up and big smiles appeared.
“Trains!” they both said in unison and broke into laughter.
“He used to play with his train set a lot. Remember how he used to say that someday he would ride a real train. Let’s send him on a train trip to his Aunt Lisa’s in Arizona.” Dad said.
“That sounds wonderful. She has been begging for him to come visit them. He could stay a couple of weeks or more since school is out for the summer.”
“Let’s not say anything to him about it. We will buy a round-trip ticket and wrap it up in a big box.”
“I love it.” She said.

Should be set off from the previous stuff because we are no longer in Jason’s view point, which you originally had us limited to. Everything is being told from 1st person perspective, so how can he relay a scene to which he did not bear witness?

“That sounds wonderful. She has been begging for him to come visit them. He could stay a couple of weeks or more since school is out for the summer.”
“Let’s not say anything to him about it. We will buy a round-trip ticket and wrap it up in a big box.”
“I love it.” She said.

The dialog is too slow through here. People make snappy statements. “Perfect, she’s been begging for months, and we’d actually get some time to ourselves!”…. When you draw the dialog out too much, it doesn’t sound realistic.

“I almost forgot about wanting to ride a real train someday.”
“Thank you, Mom and Dad. This is the best present I could have asked for.”

Same person is speaking. No paragraph break. Paragraph breaks with same person speaking are used like this.
“Talking talking talking. (No Quote)
“Talking talking talking.”

Aside from my more editorial notes, I have a few comments on the story in general. Of course, I found your grammar and writing were great. The story banked on two mysteries. The first, what would Jason get for his birthday, and the other being how he would respond to it. This compelled me to read it, and I almost expected he would be angry about it. But, then I was happily surprised to see that he didn’t.
On the other hand, I felt there was a lot of unexplored potential in the relationships between the characters. Adding witty dialog would keep readers inspired. There could also be more conflict added to drive the reader to want to read further. What audience would you envision sharing this story with? To me, it would seem geared toward young readers.

Thanks for sharing this story! I enjoyed reading it and being introduced to the characters from your head. I hope to meet more of them.

Hi Juanita,

I answered your kind message on my page. I read your story. I really like it. You give your character not just “a want” but a direct question of what he wants; a turn on the original story craft. I can see his room as clear as day and him sitting there thinking through what he wanted or needed.

I was a bit scared that his parents would give him more train sets, which is a nice “middle” to carry you further. It ended in a complete picture and that is the story craft.

Great job!!

Hi Juanita,

First off, congrats on completing the first exercise and sharing your story! Here are my comments:

1. Your story was easy to follow through thanks to the smooth transition of scenes. Didn’t feel lost in the conversation at all. This could actually turn into a children’s book.
2. I like the twist at the end where the parents gave him a train ticket instead of a train set. I wish my parents were that creative and adventurous.
3. The work still needs to be proofread and edited. For example, the line “I don’t need any more train stuff and besides my room has become too small to set up the tracks and the little town the train ran through.” is supposed to be Jason thinking to himself, but it wasn’t clear as it was written as a standalone sentence.

Overall, great job and keep on writing. 🙂

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by  Stephanie Gonzaga.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by  Stephanie Gonzaga.