Feedback please (fiction; not creative non-fiction).

Hi Lee,

The “voice” and tone of the first letter felt strong to me – comfy, friendly, kind. I think it works well.

Some of the description works well too. This is a powerful sentence:

“After some time of watching the flames within the stove grate, he lays his head in his hands and sobs.”

The POV shifts and overall, I felt confused. The relationships were confusing to me, too. I had to stop and read twice, some areas 3 and 4 times to understand what was going on. And, like you said, some of it is in present tense, and some past…. adding to confusion.

I’m not sure why Georgia is sleeping with her X-husband (or estranged, not sure which) tshirts if the marriage died long ago. That is a very intimate act of someone who deeply loves someone else (I’ve done it). Did I misunderstand this?

I think if you make it crystal clear who is thinking what, and when someone is writing, and who is who – it could be a very strong piece.

Tahnk you for sharing this!

Lee: I read this early this morning, after a night of reading stories from Joe’s anthology book Showoff, and so I feel like I’m in kind of in tune with stories like this at the moment.

OK – I like the foundation for this story very much. The characters are easy to empathize with and the loneliness and regret that both characters are feeling is palpable. There is something here for sure and I think it is relatable to people when the read this.

I will say – for me – it was not always an easy read. The first part I think I followed OK, but then the story jumped around and I got lost in who was talking about who. I needed to read the back part a couple of times, and I’m still not sure I completely understand it all. Was Betty in love with Preston, when married to William. Were the relationships ones where William was really in love with Georgia and Betty was really in love with Preston. I have to be honest and say I didn’t really follow. If Georgia was glad that Preston had moved to Florida, why did she still sleep with his shirt? There is something here but there seems to be a “Knot” right in the middle that has to be untangled a little.

Now I will say – you are very good at laying out the scene. Your descriptions a crisp and vivid. It’s easy to picture the A frame and the loneliness of the condo in Arizona – you can see that, you can feel that. I had a picture in my mind of William alone in the snowy woods. I could hear the emptiness in the condo with Georgia. That was very well done.

Again – There is something here Lee. I think that maybe some issues with POV and tightening up the flow so it’s easier to follow can be easily corrected and then you have a really good story here.

I like it Lee – Again some really good stuff.

James Lee Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Hi Lee,

My favorite line:
“There is a special hush that seems to require reverence. Whether it’s required or not, it certainly has mine.”

That really nailed hiking through the woods for me. Beautifully written.

The first part / letter was damn good. You had my attention the whole way through and I like the way you used the letter to frame the scene and lead me towards the next part of the story. I wanted to know why he read the letter, why he cried afterwards. I also think its great stylistic choice to intertwine the letters with the plot. It was fresh for me. I haven’t seen it used that often in my reading.

The next two scenes were a little rough for me. They left me asking more questions than were answered.

You referenced the urn very briefly in the first part…so briefly that I almost missed it and the urn is really a centerpiece in the scene. Someone died. It’s Betty and William, her husband presumably, is upset. He loved her very much to be reading old letters and raising a glass to the ol’ gal. That’s what I thought after reading the first scene which is what I think you want me to be thinking as a reader. But the story has a twist.

When you move on to the next scene, the water gets muddy for me to the end. As a reader, I spent time trying to figure out the plot instead of reading it as it unfolded in front of me. I think there were actually two affairs between two couples right? That was the twist.

There is definitely a good story there and an engaging style choice to tell the story. I know that because you had me in the first part. I wanted to read on. It’s your story and I am no expert, for me, I think the next steps with this piece if you want to revise it would be to strengthen the middle and last scene so its clear there were two affairs and an opportunity for two people who loved each other but were bound by other marriages, can now be together.

I hope my comments are helpful. Thanks for sharing this. I’d love to see another draft after all the feedback you receive. I think you’ve got the makings of a great story here!

Regards,
Brian