Hunting Quarters

Scott,

This is a wonderful story. As I read the first half, my heart sinking with every line, I thought it was going to be the kind of story I dislike. Scruffy character, messy house, scrounging for change under the tv. Then it got worse, as the piles of trash grew to the ceiling.

Your pivot changed everything. The character morphed into an intelligent caring husband and father, trying to make a difficult situation better for his kids and “beautiful wife.” I don’t know much about hoarding or the effect it could have on children. Somehow I’ve never thought of hoarders having either spouses or offspring. But the way you wrote about the protagonist trying to make life normal for his kids, taking them to the Botanic Garden and good restaurants, cleaning the house at 4a.m. And hiding the trash–it was very moving.

The looming loss of his escape pod, his coffee house, hits the reader very hard. Well done, Scott.

I can’t think of anything I didn’t like, except possibly the digression about music on the car radio. It derailed me for a moment. But put against the excellence of your story, this is a mere quibble.

Thanks for sharing it.

Judith

My left bicep is complaining as I push the last case out from under the plastic foot of the monitor.

My left bicep complains?

Also sometimes you don’t have to point out whether something is left or right–sometimes it doesn’t matter. Your use of left or right isn’t out of control in this piece, but I thought I’d point it out just in case it’s a habit of yours.

the bookcase the the “homework desk”

Extra “the” in this sentence.

Two step further I have to turn sideways

To step further? Two steps further?

I don’t listen to classical because I’m a musician or have studied Beethoven. I listen because I’m tired of hearing the same songs that I’ve heard a million times. Sometimes I swear there was a secret law passed that radio stations were only ever allowed to play one song from an artist – ever. I’m so sick of “Piano Man” and “Here I go again” that I boycott any station that plays them.

This made me smile when I read it, as it made the narrator more real, but I agree that it doesn’t tie in as well with the focus of this story.

“Due to changes in the lease we will be closing permanently on May 25th.”

Nooooooo!

An interesting piece, thanks for sharing! I watch a lot of “Hoarders” and “Hoarding: Buried Alive”, so once I figured out that this was about hoarding, I wanted to know what your angle was. I’d like to see more of the narrator’s character come out sooner to draw us in to those first paragraphs. At first, it just kind of sounded like you were listing off a to-do list for this fellow.

The title threw me off–this piece wasn’t at all what I expected based on the title. Ha!

Really nice job. I’m excited to read more from you!

I like the pace of your story and how where you start isn’t where you end up. I felt really sorry for your character at the end, but isn’t that how it goes, sometimes? Maybe he should switch to Starbucks. Just heard on the radio that there’s an over-saturation of Starbucks now (in Canada, anyway).

Keep with this story. With a little polishing, you have a great slice of life story with a number of “Been there; done that” chuckles throughout.

I agree with the others. I could really get a sense of what is in his mind based on the condition of the house. I really love the description of the coffee shop. The ending made my heart sink a little. Good job.

One small critique is that I think you are a bit too descriptive. If you’re going for imagery, keep it up. But, with tone, try to only describe what is necessary and kill anything extra.

Great read!

Really good story. The claustrophobic atmosphere comes through and you have some great glimpses into personality. I like that your hero loves his wife and tries to do best for his family, making sure they see beauty. The coffee shop’s closing is a big deal to your depressed hero bringing home how little he is enjoying his life. Your last line is a cliche and while I’m sure it was an effect you were going for it brought me out of the spell of your story.

well, it might only be in certain circles. I usually hear it in this form, “This is why we can’t have nice things.” like a joke sort’ve thing.

Scott,
I feel the weight of all that mess on your character, emotionally and even physically to a bit. I am not familiar with the problem but you described it so perfectly that I felt the weight of his problems. (To use a cliche, apt in this case.)

The music did throw me off the storyline. Maybe you could add more of your great description to how the kids are responding to the overwhelming conditions.

I very much felt for your character. He is doing everything he can, as you showed in just a short amount of time, the values that he holds dear, loving his wife and raising his children.

Great job!

Living in a pin ball machine. It was intense for me to read because I’m a neat freak. This is good, your descriptive chaos felt that real it rattled my nerves.
I would limit the step by step actions of the character a bit. It’s not needed and I don’t think realistically people think to themselves, I sigh deeply. looking at the mess as I close the front door. The guy is exhausted , his house is a maze of mayhem . The step by step directions could have been described in a couple of strong sentences showing the reader what he see’s or can’t see.. example : where’s the window? Last time he saw the floor. This might of made the beginning tighter.
i liked the classical music part it showed another facet of his character and how fed up he is with life. It’s also something he could change and take control of immediately. Where his home life he can’t.
The coffee shop was a perfect place for him to have a sense of escape and order.
I need to go dust now.
Thanks. Suzie Page