Build Your Writing Platform
Without Abandoning Your Writing › Forums › Critique Groups › [SCC] Rule 1, Exercise 1 › Ice
Tagged: giving birth, humor, ice, short story
This topic contains 11 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by Stuart Williams 10 years, 10 months ago.
-
AuthorPosts
-
June 11, 2014 at 4:45 pm #4008
Haha! This is great. I love how you captured her discontent at being there in the hospital. I love your ease and simplicity of writing. Great ending with the name. My only suggestion would be to maybe describe more of what’s happening to help us be with the character more.
-
June 11, 2014 at 8:53 pm #4023
Thanks, Christy. Thought I already responded, but can’t find it here.
I’m always bad about description. I tend to forget about it and add it later, so good catch. Back to the writing boards 😉
-
June 12, 2014 at 12:45 am #4031
I really enjoyed this, and, despite what you said about it being a quick piece, it’s very good. The interplay between the nurse and the patient at the beginning is priceless and funny (I’m sure it wasn’t funny when it happened for real).
I love the contrast between the rule-follower and the reality of the situation. The chart says she’s having contractions, so she is, despite the fact that she’s not. Then the cleverness of Ann in gathering ice chips is wonderful.There’s a liveliness to the interactions, and Ann’s reaction feels so real. Kill, kill, kill is a great line. Here she’s in this hot ward, just for observation, and she somehow was marked wrong on her chart (it happens way too often!), and she’s not just mad, she’s murderous.
When you go back and add some description, I’d advise keeping it light. Just a touch her and there, so the momentum doesn’t slow. I could see the scene as is, but a little bit – Ann’s hair sticking to her forehead, the institutional green of the wall – would add nice detail.
-
June 12, 2014 at 4:17 am #4039
Thanks, Ann. Funnily enough, the kill line was added in over here after I did copy paste from my word doc. A last minute impulse. Glad it worked. And yes, definitely only light descriptions.
-
June 12, 2014 at 5:25 am #4040
ICE, revisited
ICE
“Water. Can I just have a glass of water?”
“I’m sorry, Ann, but you’re in labor. No drinking allowed.”
“What labor? Nothing’s happening!” Ann grumbled.
“You’re having contractions now.”
“No I’m not.”
The nurse merely smiled and patted her hand. Ann felt tempted to release a
string of expletives, but sighed instead.“Nurse, have you ever had contractions? This is not my first baby, and believe you me, I would recognize one. It’s hot and I’m thirsty and I want a cup of water.”
Once again the nurse flashed her patronizing smile and said, “No drinking allowed when you’re in labor, but I’ll bring you some ice chips to suck on.”
Ann counted to ten and despite her desire to kill, kill, kill, smiled wanly.
This should never have happened. Two weeks past her due date, an unseasonable heat wave, her kids on vacation, and the maternity ward under renovation and without adequate air conditioning seemed like one strike too many.
At her last appointment, Ann’s doctor had told her she needed to go to the hospital to be monitored every 2 or 3 days until she gave birth. She wasn’t quite sure why today they decided to keep her; there had been no change in the last ten hours. No contractions, no matter what the nurse said, but still no food or drink. Ann was already regretting sending her husband home hours ago to be with the kids. But although hot and cranky and alone, she wasn’t helpless.
Looking down at her distended body, she grimaced. She had never gained so much weight before in any of her pregnancies; she no longer recognized herself. Her body looked like a dirigible with appendages, and by now was as difficult to maneuver. Contractions! If only. Ann couldn’t wait to birth this baby already; she missed her old vaguely remembered body.
With great effort she managed to shift her body without pulling any of the wires attached or setting off any alarms. Locating the dangling bed controls, she lifted the back of her bed to try and ease some of her discomfort. Ann ran her fingers through her sweaty, matted brown hair and flapped it a bit to cool off her neck. Next she adjusted the foot of her bed. She pulled on the gaily printed sheet covering her body and wiggled her toes.
“Hello, feet,” she murmured. “Long time no see.”
Feeling a bit better, Ann smiled when the nurse brought her the cup of ice chips. When the nurse left the room, Ann placed the cup on the window sill near her bed and moved the curtain to hide it.
Ann waited patiently. When the student nurse came in to take her blood pressure and check the monitor for the umpteenth time, Ann put on her best smile and tried again. “It’s so hot in here. Can I have a cup of water?”
“I’m sorry, it says no food or drink on your chart.”
“How about some ice chips to cool me down?”
“Sure thing!”
Once the young woman had left her alone in the stark room with the fresh cup of ice chips, Ann furtively looked around to make sure that no one was watching. She placed the new cup of ice chips on the window sill, and retrieved the first cup. Wonderful! The ice chips were now swimming in water. Ann gulped it down and sighed in relief. Finally!
Throughout the rest of the day, Ann kept on asking different staff members for cups of ice chips which would disappear behind the curtain to be replaced by a cup of melted ice on her bed stand. Luckily, by the time her contractions actually did begin sometime after midnight, she was no longer parched. Her husband, summoned by the nurses, now kept her supplied with ice chips to suck on and to cool her down.
At seven in the morning, their ten-pound baby boy was born. As Ann leaned back in the bed cuddling the new baby, her husband asked, “So, have a name for him?”
“I dunno, something refreshing.”
Her husband made a face. “Refreshing?”
“Something watery,and cool.” She considered for a moment. “Let’s name him Ice.”
-
June 15, 2014 at 6:50 pm #4149
Mirel,
I like this story.
I felt right there, with your character and her frustrations. It’s interesting to read how she outwitted the nurses in her quest for a drink of water, very resourceful!
Thanks for sharing.
Katie x
-
-
June 12, 2014 at 11:44 pm #4063
Hi Mirel,
This is a really enjoyable piece. I love that you named the baby Ice. I suppose Chip would have worked too. I really enjoyed the patient’s cleverness in finding a solution for her distress that didn’t technically require the staff to break a rule. Everyone’s needs were met. The added description is great.
I wonder if the protagonist should be more angry outwardly. Instead of grumbling, she could raise her voice or even rage. Instead of smiling wanly, she could grimace or growl. The only other question I had is whether she really wasn’t having contractions. I pictured that belt thingie that the nurses put on your tummy in triage to gauge your contractions, and I imagined that it must be registering something. If not, maybe the first nurse should also say, “Your chart says you’re in labor” or something similar.
Keep up the entertaining work!
Cheers!
Dawn -
June 13, 2014 at 12:38 am #4067
Hi Dawn, thanks for your comments. That’s actually a good point about the monitor. That part of the story is the true part, but it happened a long time ago. If I remember correctly, the monitor showed some very minor activity, but I wasn’t even feeling mild contractions, nada.
I didn’t rage at them, because it would have been pointless. I was stuck there in that bed, and being nice to the nurses and staff was the only way to get them to be even half nice back to me. You know what they say, you catch more flies with honey. I joked around with them too in the first few hours, before I began dying for a drink.
It was about 16-18 hours before contractions actually began, and a few more hours until my son was born. At the time, there were no ice chips in the hospital, so that whole part of the story is fiction, including the name…
-
June 13, 2014 at 1:00 am #4070
I really like the “kill, kill, kill” line, too. The ice chip rule is so annoying, coming from someone who has had her share of babies and sat through nearly a hundred others. No one likes to be told they can’t eat or drink, especially not a very pregnant lady in a hot hospital room.
Ann addressing her feet is cute, too, but I’m not sure how I feel about those additions. Kind of slows down the pace.
Clever lady, with the melting ice chips. 🙂 Though I haven’t seen a hospital room with curtains in ages. They must still exist somewhere, though.
-
June 13, 2014 at 1:05 am #4071
Thanks for the comments, Jen. The bed was near the window, and there were curtains around the bed… Although as I mentioned above, that part of the story is fiction (I did something far less dramatic), still, it’s feasible.
-
June 17, 2014 at 10:24 am #4195
Hi Mirel
I enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for sharing it.
I liked the way Ann faced her problem (lack of water) and solved it (by asking for ice – which could then become water she could drink).
I also like the way you use dialogue: The exchange between Ann and the nurse, for example, opens the piece quickly. It reveals an interesting setting straight away, introduces Ann and her situation, and throws her straight into a conflict. Cleverly done!
I have to give one piece of critical feedback, so here it is:
The tale flies when you are ‘showing’ – but seems to slow down when you are ‘telling’.As an example, up until the eighth paragraph (‘Once again the nurse…’), the reading pace is fast, and the reader is a bystander as events unfold.
By the tenth paragraph (‘At her last appointment…’), the narrative changes into a narrator’s summary.In comparison to paragraphs one through eight, that passage may seem less vivid for the reader. Mainly because it puts the reader outside of the action, rather than making them a witness to it.
I really enjoyed the sense of conflict you created in the opening.
The scene of the pregnant lady desperately craving water will stay with me.
It is a very memorable situation, and you bring it to life really well.Best wishes
Stuart. -
AuthorPosts
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.