Lenny and Lucy

Sarah:
These are first impressions-maybe with a re-read, I would be better with this critique. I liked the mystery of who they were and how—only at the last—did we know who Lenny and Lucy were. The whole piece was delightful. I also am from that part of the world so I understand the verdant green you aptly described, especially when coming from brown/dry.

Let’s see what worked best: “the shimmering ripples of the pristine lake were just visible beyond the overgrown branches that hung sheepishly overhead.” I liked that, but why the word “sheepishly”? I like to Google such a word or, in the WORD program, right click and see other choices. Maybe they were framing the scene with dark, angles. Were they awkward (implied by sheepish? Did they pale in comparison? Well, if that is not “it”-maybe just “not up to the par” and using the best word to get that across? I think every word in such a description must be perfect-like in poetry-right?

Then, instead of always your descriptions, I’d like to know who else is in this car—just enough by what comments they made. Instead of your descriptions, maybe each passenger could comment-just a sentence from each that catches the mood and idea.

Remember to use all the senses-not just what you saw, but what you heard-and that could be with words that described what was on the radio. I remember being in Iowa and hearing the comments on how commodities were doing-the price of cattle feed and corn futures as an example. Maybe a line from a song of the region. Also, what was the loon sound? Did it not touch your primal heart with wistful wild? Also, what were the smells, the air changed-how? Whenever we approach a special place with our dog in the car, she rises and begins to “yip” with excitement. I loved the undulating pavements from the hard weather-so true!

All and all, again, I enjoyed this greatly. You are talented, have heart, and you also have the midwestern thing that is solid and dependable-even enough to set aside the details of a trip to Haiti for rekindling roots. So rare—so under appreciated in this age of fanciful.