Little Bat Boy

This is so much fun! I enjoyed the rhythm of it, the short, fun, punchy sentences. I also like the tenderness within the story. Just delightful.

The only suggestion I have, is in the following sentence, I’d rather not see the word hand because that suddenly makes Papa Bat human, rather than a bat: “Oops,” Papa Bat put a guilty hand on his mouth. “Last one.”

Thank you, Mirel!

This story is great. I’m going to read it to my little guys. They never want to eat at dinner time. But they sure love bats. I agree about the hand comment. My only other thought is that perhaps there could be more activity between dinner and bed. Perhaps they could read stories or play Scrabble before it’s time for tears.

SO cute! When the little Bat Boy’s tear slid down his cheek, I actually said, “Awww!” out loud. Poor little guy. I’m so glad he had a happy ending.

I really loved this! Your voice is fabulous. We’re supposed to give one helpful criticism, but for the life of me, the only thing I can think of is to replace the word “whizz” because the slang meaning (urination) would get any kids I read this to giggling hysterically, and not for the right reasons. 😉

I can’t wait to read more from you!

Mirel,

Loved the story, especially the lone little tear. Papa’s Henderson didn’t bother me. Neither did whiz. I was caught up in the story. But I’m a little lost about how Mama Bat’s words helped Little Bat forget about being hungry and go to sleep. My Little Bat would not have been swayed.

I totally agree it would make a sweet picture book.

Thanks for posting it.

Judith

Hi Mirel!

This is so charming. Loved the line from Baby Bat about “twaberries”. So cute!

My two suggestions were about Pa Bat’s “hand” that someone else already mentioned.

Also, you mentioned Little Bat Boy flew home reluctantly, which I think you might be able to show the reader rather than tell. Really a minor suggestion there, the piece was great.

Would be an adorable picture book!

Mirel – This is a nice little fable you have written. I think this would make a nice little picture book. Everyone has had trouble getting kids to sit down and eat. The energy in those young bodies makes it difficult to get them to stay still long enough to do anything. I honestly don’t remember having to be asked twice to sit down and eat when I was little. I was usually right up front and center when the dinner bell rang. Bathtime, OK, there maybe I had some issues.

If I were to suggest one thing it would be to maybe break up the dialogue at the beginning a little. Periodic pauses from dialogue at points I think would lend a greater sense of scene and even out the tempo just a bit. The second half of the story does this quite well, but the first part of the story feels a little bit like blasting off in a rocket.

Now a picture book – you could basically throw away my recommendations because children can see what’s happening so dialogue heavy stories tend to blend better.

Thank you very much for sharing. BTW speaking as the grandson of two fantastic grandmothers – I was easily brought under control by copious amounts of bribery. It still works today, just so you know.

Sincerely,

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Schmidt.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Schmidt.