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Without Abandoning Your Writing › Forums › Critique Groups › [SCC] Rule 1, Exercise 1 › Precious
This topic contains 6 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Gwen Watson 10 years, 11 months ago.
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May 30, 2014 at 12:29 pm #3232
Nicely done.
I love the description of the area. I’m heavy on descriptions usually, so I’m gonna recycle a suggestion. Add a line or two inside the description to keep us in the action. Description slows things down.I’m not that great at “point of View” but I did see one thing “He wanted her to experience pain.” is kind of in a different POV, she would have to assume this, but couldn’t really know it. You could put “like” in there, and combine The previous sentence to clarify.
LOVE the build up to the end. Really makes you want to read more. I’m looking forward to it!
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June 2, 2014 at 11:36 pm #3515
Scott, thank you for your compliment on the ending. As for description, yes, the Dickens sort of writing style tends to appeal to me and I’m most definitely a “place” person, so I suspect this will be one of my many Achilles heels. I appreciate your pointing this out. Where you say “Add a line or two inside the description…” Are you thinking a line or two of Mary’s thinking or Mary’s experience? I wasn’t sure if you were getting at something in particular there as far as your suggestion goes. Thanks again!
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June 2, 2014 at 8:39 pm #3505
Hi Gwen,
This is very exciting.
I agree with Scott: at some of the most crucial, critical moments you’ve added descriptions that, although are beautifully written, are frustrating to me the reader, and certainly would not be relevant to Mary in her desperate flight. When I’m reading in a state of such high tension I don’t want irrelevant description. I want one thing only: to know what is going to happen to poor Mary. The best example of this is here:
“In the early mornings a couple of dozen walkers and joggers took to the trail and on weekends a family or two would get out their bikes and “make the loop,” but today, as on most afternoons during the week, the trail was deserted.”
I would have preferred something like “at this hour of the day the trial was deserted.” Or even shorter, like “… not a person in site.” Something from the perspective of Mary. She wouldn’t be thinking such long, drawn out sentences.
I hope that makes sense.
It’s really a good piece, breathtaking, actually! And now I am very frightened for her! Good job!
http://www.MargieDeeb.com
Blog: http://colorforbeadartists.com
Amazon Author Page:
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This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by
Margie Deeb.
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This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by
Margie Deeb.
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This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by
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June 2, 2014 at 11:39 pm #3516
Margie, it’s so interesting to read what others see in your own writing. Here I think I’m building suspense by cutting in on the action, but instead I’m creating frustration in the reader, which is certainly not what I want to be doing! Your suggestion about shortening that one part (and by implication, other parts) does make sense. (I went way over my word count, so there’s definitely room to cut!) Thank you!!
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June 3, 2014 at 12:54 am #3523
Hi Again, Gwen,
You’re welcome for the feedback. I recently read “Wool” and wow oh wow, there was major suspense and terrifying action taking place! I couldn’t read fast enough for my mind to inhale!
I thought of something as I was trying to sleep (and couldn’t) so got up to write to you.
Something to consider: Unfortunately I’ve had a lot of experience with bullies and sadists. And have done a lot of research and studying to try to understand them. Their main goal is to inflict pain on another for the sense of power it gives them. Yes, they want the other to experience pain, but that is not their primary goal. Their sole aim is to inflict pain.
I’m thinking your sentence about the bully wanting Mary to experience pain would be more accurate if it reflected that goal.
http://www.MargieDeeb.com
Blog: http://colorforbeadartists.com
Amazon Author Page:
http://amazon.com/author/margie_deeb -
June 4, 2014 at 11:06 pm #3686
Inflict. Good word. I like that. Thank you (though sorry you’re so familiar with this topic)!
PS: Just read the synopsis of Wool. Wow – it sounds like one to add to my list.
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