Preventing Farnweh

awwwwwwwww! This is a great piece. The hero’s voice was cool and sweet and he was indulgent and loving I really liked him. I completely fell for his chuck-it-all-and-split idea, it’s something I’d like to do from time to time, the lure of the road-trip. I do like how he easily let those dreams slide away for the dream of family with his wife, it is what a good guy does. The ending just seemed a little too neat and tidy. Maybe I would have preferred it to end just a beat before the “happily ever after”. I don’t know, great job.

Chase, this is a great start.

First up, the dialogue flows really nicely, revealing character in spades! In particular, I love your main character’s conflict at living in a suburban neighbourhood, where everyone pretends to like each other. Nice one!

If I have any reservations about this story, it would be how quickly your character accepts the bombshell that his wife of six years drops on him. He’s revved himself up to convince his wife that they should go on an adventure. However nice a guy your character may be, I think the transition is staged too quick, especially as your character had hopes of escaping his horrid suburban neighbourhood.

I hope my comments help. Thanks for sharing.

Katie 🙂

you really captured the relationship, their history, through their dialogue.

really cute story! loved that they don’t even have names but we understand them completely.

Dialogue flowed effortlessly. Some lines that made me smile 🙂
With her hair a beautiful mess.
“But I am” she paused and made a smile I had never seen before. It was beautiful.
Neighbors pretending to love each other
I would have ended it after, “Yes, a double” I said smiling, lighting my last cigarette.
It conveyed his joy without being too much and too quick.

A good guy story, would love to have had more senses.. how his wife smelled or maybe the apartment..
Thanks for the read .
sjpage

Great piece. The dialogue is really what makes this story work. Description and sensual details are at a minimum, but I’d expect that during [mostly] conversation.

The reader will relate to this couple because, honestly, who hasn’t wanted to chuck it all and run away? Love the use of “yanno”.

I agree with Katie that his acceptance might be a little quick, maybe some internal reaction to give the reader time to process, too?

My only real nit-picky thing with this piece is all of the ellipses. Writing interrupted or incomplete thoughts does warrant the use of something, but maybe you can give eyeballs a break by throwing in an em dash here and there. Perhaps I’m the only one put off by this, it’s such a minor thing and probably just my personal preference.

Thanks for sharing!