Primary Caregiver

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Without Abandoning Your Writing › Forums › Critique Groups › [SCC] Rule 1, Exercise 1 › Primary Caregiver

This topic contains 4 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  James Schmidt 10 years, 10 months ago.

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  • June 3, 2014 at 10:31 am #3543

    Margie Deeb
    Participant

    I like how you made a full circle with the piece, ending in “Sucker!” with the narrator having changed, being more aware. That felt whole and satisfying to me as a reader.

    The way you describe the parents’ actions and dialogue is very vivid, very believable. I could hear and see them clearly as I read.

    I loved this image: “…my mother sits at the epicenter of a pile of crap…” It’s perfect!

    My suggestion for making the whole thing read better is to tighten it up a bit, deleting useless words and make each word count. For example, you don’t need “excessively” here, as it’s obvious: “…I hear my mother calling over the excessively loud television.” There are several times you use “then” or “can” when it isn’t necessary: “…Then I head over to the living room where my folks are sitting watching the evening news.” and “I can sense the little voice about to speak…”

    I enjoyed this piece and look forward to reading more.

    http://www.MargieDeeb.com
    Blog: http://colorforbeadartists.com
    Amazon Author Page:
    http://amazon.com/author/margie_deeb

    • June 3, 2014 at 2:08 pm #3553

      James Schmidt
      Participant

      Hey Margie, thanks for taking the time to give this a read.
      “Don’t get to wordy” and “Be more concise ” and “You could stand to lose a few pounds” – Ok well that last one deals with a different sort of problem, but I definitely get the first two more often than I can count. Keep things short and streamlined. Maintain the story at a nice pace. It’s funny how different a story reads at one time verses another. Coming back later and re-evaluating what I wrote, things become more obvious to see where the road got a bit choppy. That’s something I must continue to work on and believe me when I tell you that I appreciate your help.

      Thanks Margie.

      J.L.S

      James Lee Schmidt

  • June 4, 2014 at 4:50 pm #3666

    Brian Rella
    Participant

    Hi James,

    This story really resonated with me. Being the oldest of three, I can see myself in David’s position in the not too distant future. David’s thoughts and actions are accurate refelctions of real life I think. We help our parents out of obligation and love (probably in that order). You illustrate that through David’s interactions and thoughts well.

    And of course, just when he thinks he’s done his duty…Can you come back tomorrow David? There’s always that one last thing from Mom and Dad right? His sigh at the end is natural and fitting in the context of helping your parents. Well done.

    I’d just echo Margie’s comments in terms of how to improve. You’re a Hugh Howey fan right? I remember a post from his blog where he said the best praise he ever got was from a reader who said, “Your prose is so tight, man!”

    Best,
    Brian

    http://www.brianrella.com/

    https://twitter.com/brian_rella

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  Brian Rella.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  Brian Rella.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  Brian Rella.
    • This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  Brian Rella.
  • June 5, 2014 at 2:04 am #3697

    James Schmidt
    Participant

    Brian – You and I are definitely on the similar paths. (Just posted on your story BTW).

    I too am the oldest of three (two younger sisters) and being the oldest – I somehow become the defacto go-to person for many family interaction/upheavals/rebellions. It can be taxing, but I believe we have our roles to play in each family and this is mine (I also want to let people know out there who may read this, I’m not tooting my own horn, I freely admit that both sisters are a great deal smarter than I am. That may be the reason why certain family things fall to me.)

    Thanks so much for your taking the time and for the feedback. I saw a comment on the blogs from Lee about wanting to rewrite the story now after feedback, and I think I probably will do that (time permitting).

    To me writing is like anything we strive to do well – it takes practice, practice, practice. Tightening things up, writing wise, is a lot like how I play golf. I need to play often and play with people whose ability is better than my own in order to improve. Otherwise I tend to plateau and get stuck there. That is not where I want to be.

    After all “How do you get to Carneige Hall?”

    James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

    James Lee Schmidt

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