Room with a View

Wow, this was really good! You did a great job of building the tension. And the ending was a surprise. Also love how you painted the word pictures. So, was it the pills, or was there something there? Is this the beginning of something bigger?

Minor details: His eyelids twitched, and almost-closed, formed slits. The first comma should be after the and.

Also, you have rustling under the bed followed by footsteps. I was imagining the rustling come from the thing crawling under the bed, which doesn’t fit with the footsteps.

First off, you made me actually squirm at the description of the thing in his bedroom. It was vivid and really easily pictured – great (and terrifying) job!

I might suggest watching paragraph breaks, like the one below:

‘What the hell is it?’ he thought. His heart beat so hard and fast he was sure the thing would hear it.

‘Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem to be interested in me,’ he tried, but failed, to reassure himself.

That would more clearly be his train of thought without the paragraph break.

Sidenote: I love John’s reasoning.

And what had happened to Mister Duncan?
Had he just left? Had the thing done something to him? Taken him somewhere? Killed him? Eaten him? Had Mister Duncan become the thing?

I’m not sure I would have thought of so many possibilities. Fantastic!

I just HAVE to ask: were the pills responsible for the creature? Or was he going to get drugged up and then eaten (or worse)? And the biggest question of all… What happened to Mister Duncan?

Great story!

I like the image of the 10 eyes looking at him in the morning. I can picture the the room.
I like the image of the man in the bed clutching the duvet in his hands.

Perhaps this part “The next thing John knew. He was waking up.” could be made stronger by saying something like “Suddenly, John was awake.” because he was experiencing the dream it doesn’t seem like a slow gradual wake up would be as powerful as a speedy one as something is crawling up his bed!

Nice job, this will be great with some polishing and tweaking as you take the base and strengthen some of the language!