Spoons sjpage

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Without Abandoning Your Writing › Forums › Critique Groups › [SCC] Rule 1, Exercise 1 › Spoons sjpage

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Sunny Henderson 10 years, 11 months ago.

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  • June 5, 2014 at 10:31 pm #3760

    Angie Mroczka
    Participant

    Hi Suzie!

    Wow, that was a heavy story. I feel haunted. I hope that is what you were going for.

    Your descriptions of the house and the people were good. The descriptions that you share further the story and give us a peek into Thomas’ psyche.

    A few things that I noticed that you might want to take a look at are your paragraphs and dialogue. The paragraphs are dense and it makes the story more difficult to digest. The dialogue isn’t consistent. Sometimes you use tags. Other times they aren’t there. It is a bit difficult to determine who is speaking.

    Overall, great job. Be sure to check your grammar and punctuation next time or run it by a beta reader, though.

    Thanks!
    Angie

    • June 8, 2014 at 10:14 am #3874

      suzie page
      Participant

      Thank you for the valuable feed back. This is a story that haunts. The idea came from a much longer piece that I’ve been playing with.
      I plan to present it with clearer dialogue tags and shorter paragraphs this week.
      Suzie

  • June 6, 2014 at 1:32 pm #3780

    Jyl
    Participant

    Your writing pulled me right into the story. Great job.

    “His linen clothes bled sweat and contempt.”
    perfect sentence – loved it!

    and this one:
    “With heavy arms she left the pantry and put on her best apron smile.” wonderful description

    Scared to death, clueless and wondering if I should just crawl back under the covers and forget this writing thing….

    • June 8, 2014 at 10:18 am #3875

      suzie page
      Participant

      I’m glad you were pulled in. I had fun with this one.
      I appreciate the feed back.
      Thanks for reading!
      Suzie

  • June 9, 2014 at 6:56 pm #3932

    Sunny Henderson
    Participant

    I’ll admit I was put off a little bit at the beginning because of the grammatical/formatting issues Angie mentioned. But I read on, and the story was haunting.

    What a maniacal guy–you’ve tapped into that well. You also have the subservient wife, too. Love the bit about the spoon at the end and the “apron smile”.

    Thanks for sharing!

    Sunny
    http://www.sjhenderson.net

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