Terrific Time

Hi Lori!

Wow, what a visual that first scene is. It brings you right into the story and actually facing the main character. That is writing chaps right there.

Oh,the top girl. That is always the case and will be forevermore, it seems. 😉

The other technique that you used, that is typical for girls, is the separating and trading of bracelets. I could practically hear them! And of course the top girl gets the correct one.

Leaving your main girl out of the first dance is, unfortunately, since olden times, also something familiar to all girls.

The only thing that I can see a difficulty with is that boys won’t be able to identify with it. That is not a problem, though, since I imagine you will be aiming it at YA for girls.

Great job!

Great stuff! Most people can relate to those teenage years and how we feel about ourselves. I like the topic and the movement of the story. It goes quickly, gets you involved right away. The one thing I’d like to see a bit more of is Kathy’s emotions being displayed. I know, its hard in 750 words. However I think that if you wished this to “stand alone” there are Some words you can drop to streamline and ad some more feeling. I like the chocolate stuff at the end but just want to connect more to KAthy – that means emotion, to me. Looking forward to more!

It’s been a while since I read a story on teenage girls. This brings me back to my Sweet Valley days.

On that note, I liked how rich your descriptions are in this opening scene. I can clearly see the beams of disco light, the colorful bracelets dangling from the girls’ wrists, etc.

I particularly liked the tension you set up for Kathy near the end of the story. It reveals her insecurity despite her identity as “top girl,” which is something I don’t often see in stories like this. I’d like to see this flesh out a bit more if you ever decide to pursue this story.

For improvements, I think you can still work on the ending to make it stronger. I got thrown off by “Chocolate’s my new boyfriend” (is it Kathy or Karen?) and wondered if she actually appeased herself or if she’s hiding her nervousness. Either way, it wasn’t very clear.

Hope this helps! 🙂

Lori, I loved this:

“The DJs high-school voice announced the beginning of his set. “Let’s hope it’s not a cruel one,” he said as Bananarama’s hit single flicker and flashed around the gym like a glitter-ball of synthesized bloops and beats.”

I was caught in that glitter-ball moment. The scenes in the school were very vivid for me, too. Good job! I could totally relate to it, not through personal experience, but through American high school movies, yet it felt alive, and not cliched.

My main suggestion would be, that from where “David asked Monica to dance”, it becomes more about telling, and less showing. For me, the spell of actually being there, is broken. I guess you ran out of time. It’s easy to fall into the trap of condensing the story toward the end, given those circumstances.

I’d love to see you expand on the last few paragraphs, perhaps by adding dialogue. I don’t think you need to spell your character’s fears for the future out quite so explicitly. I hope that makes sense? If it doesn’t I’ll be only too happy to explain further.

Having said that, this is a great start. Thanks for sharing.

Katie 🙂

Very 80s, very John Hughes ‘Rite-de-passage’ – I can hear the beats and smell the sweat of a teenage disco!!

I enjoyed this, though I would like to have seen a little more about the relationships between the girls – I can’t believe that a group of girls who all consider themselves ‘top girls’ would all get along with out bitching and back biting! But I appreciate we are limited to 750 words, and I found that hard to work with and still get my story out.

Bless her with her ‘cake boyfriend’! I liked this, and I wondered what became of her.

Good story!

Lori:
I used to be a counselor in schools and so I do relate to these scenes and think you did a great job with them. But along the say of suggestions, here is one:

“It was happening slow but it was happening fast. It was happening now– everything was changing.” That was in there-your words. Now wouldn’t that set the whole thing up along with your first sentence? You hinted at Kathi’s growing apprehension about the future coming up. I see others wanted an expansion of the last paragraphs, and I think that is because they began to understand Kathi knows that the gal at the top has a long way down.

This is part of something bigger I am sure so you didn’t need to crowd everything in to the beginning. But, since it is so limited by 750 words, maybe Kathi could see contrasts (not in her favor) in lip size, hair etc. Maybe, she herself is changing too-towards away from this scene? I don’t know, but I am glad to not be in this scene-not a terrific time, but a terrible time for me!

Hi LoriMarie!

This is a vivid piece that really pulls at those old memories. I mean, they would, if we’d been allowed to have dances. I’m not bitter. 😉

While I read this story, I expected the girls to turn on Kathy (or each other, at least), because that’s what we’ve been conditioned to expect with stories like these–the “Mean Girls” mentality. When that didn’t happen, I was a little surprised. Kathy’s line about her “cake boyfriend” hinted at something below the surface with her (ahhhh, emotional eating).

My suggestion for improvement might be to add tension in this story somewhere, otherwise it’s just a whimsical retelling–which is okay sometimes, too!

Thanks for sharing!