The Charm bracelet

I love the idea behind this story, very intriguing. I’m definitely interested to see what her life becomes like with all these ill-mannered girls. I did pick up that Evangeline represents pride. The story is compelling.

The writing needs touched up. A few confusing mistakes early on, but you tended to make less significant mistakes as I continued reading. Unless this is a prologue, you tell this part too quickly. Even then, you should slow it down, so each of these characters that comes to life is more vivid, and we know more about them.

Raises lots of questions. Will they all fight all the time? Will she eventually get rid of them or find a way to turn them back into ravens. What other interesting things could come out of a story like this? Looking forward to reading more.

Hello Kate. Just read your story and I have to tell you that at the end I was intrigued. I wanted to hear a bit more.

You know it’s funny because I have been working on a book (a story for my nieces) for the past year where the main character’s name is Angelica. She goes by Angel, yet she is anything but. I bet her and Evangeline would probably be friends – and we would be the adults telling the two of them, “You shouldn’t be hanging out with that girl. She’s trouble,” without realizing – we have probably driven them right together.

My suggestions are first, I get where you are going with trying to describe things so vividly, but save the words and cut some out. You don’t need them. I am quite guilty of doing the same and trust me I know of which I speak.

Secondly – shorten up the beginning a bit. For me the good stuff was at the bottom third of the story. I also wanted you to know – I didn’t stick to 750 words or even 1000. I wanted to tell a good story and it is HAAARRRRD!! to do that in 750 words or less. That takes some real skills.

Great job

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Hi Kate,

You are not alone. I’ve read others comment on the constraining 750 word count and of course I had the same worry as you with similar results. I think another, lengthier draft would solve a lot of our problems 😉

I think you’ve got a fantastic framework to work with! When I finished reading, I had so many questions – it left me wanting to read more to get some answers. What were the other girls like with Evangeline? How does Evangeline react to them? Does she change her naughty ways in the end? Your idea, even in this early stage of development, intrigued me and drew me in.

As a suggestion, I think if you spent more words describing the characters’ actions and thoughts rather than telling us what happened it might have pulled me into the story further. For example what was Evangeline thinking when she snatched that last cake? What thoughts went through her mind? I imagined her thinking, That cake is mine, all mine. You won’t have it governess. IT’S MINE! In some of the writing books I’ve read, the instructors call it showing instead of telling. I hope that makes sense.

I’m curious if you’ve considered who your intended audience is? I could see this story written for children or young adults as much as I could see it written for adults (depending on how dark you want to get). Is this novel going to be rated G or rated R? You could go either way or somewhere in between…

Overall I love your idea and I hope my comments were helpful. Can’t wait to read some more…

Best,
Brian

Hi hi Kate!

First off, you captured my attention. Way to go!! I wanted to know why it was only supposed to be temporary. And you held my attention through the story.

Yes, 750 words isn’t very much room to develop a story, but I’ve done it in less than 250 words. I find it easier to work with something completely fresh in these cases instead of trying to adapt something you were already working on.

Your description of the young Evangeline and her father was very vivid, but you lost that as you tried to fit more into the story. Try to focus more on that first scene. How did the bracelet feel on her arm? Did she feel any sense of foreboding about the true purpose of the true purpose of the gift? This is the perfect time to drop red herrings.

Definitely can’t wait to see where she goes from here. Great job!