The Circle of Life

That was one creepy story, Elise!

It’s easy to come up with two things I liked: You are a master of mood. Starting out with Bob, a newly made zombie, clawing his way out of his own grave set the scene pretty graphically. I liked the way you contrasted Bob’s memories of pre-zombified life (enjoying the sunlight, flexing muscles)with his new situation (prisoner in his body,unable to call out and show that he was still alive inside all that flesh and bone).

Your description of the rave and the scary-looking goth with the zombie dust made me wish I weren’t reading this story just before bed. You use detail to set and deepen the mood: Blood-red lips, bifurcated tongue, dust blown from an open palm. Later on, when the zombie maker reappears, you document the smell of coffee on his breath, then segue into the smell of the man and his flesh (acrid and spicy on the outside, sinew and salty underneath). These are terrifically graphic images, and they just keep getting better.

Your depiction of Bob’s hunger and what he did to satisfy it was genuinely disgusting–which was, I hope, your aim. It certainly grossed me out.

What didn’t I like? It was a little too graphic for me. But that’s what makes horse races.

Well done, Elise.

Wow. What a ride!

1. I like your imagery: drumbeat melting, chords congealing, synths spitting. (Nice parallelism here too.) I can see this story unfolding like a movie in mind’s eye.

2. I like your choice of dynamic verbs: Coughs wracked his body; A car whizzed past; Bob pounced. They propel your story and keep me engaged.

3. I like the unexpected ending. I was for sure that after attacking the man, Bob would somehow break free and hunt other victims. But instead, you cleverly weave in a Prometheus allusion, having a bird peck him to death. Nice!

4. I didn’t particularly dislike anything, but I do have a few suggestions.

“No sooner had his right foot found purchase on loamy soil then his left took flight, propelled by momentum alone.” Did you mean “when his foot” instead of “then his foot”?

“He lay back against the metal of the truck bed feeling his hunger grow.” Perhaps add a comma after “bed” so it’s clear that the bed isn’t feeling hungry? Or reposition the modifier so it’s next “he.”

“It’s beaks picked off one of his shirt buttons and then pecked at the fetid flesh beneath the cloth.” Maybe change “it’s” to “its” and “beaks” to “beak”? This sentence might also be more efficient if you deleted the word “then.”

Super story, Elise! Woot woot!

Ebony

Elise,

Let me preface this by saying that I’m not a zombie person and honestly avoid most things zombie-related (except the movie Warm Bodies, which was cute in a way).

You had me hooked from the beginning and kept really good pacing throughout the story. There is a good mix of show and tell. Instead of telling me the zombie is strong, you have him break free of his bonds in the back of the truck. Kudos for that.

I was a bit confused by some of the action when Bob is attacking the zombie hunters and had to read several of the sentences multiple times to figure out what was happening. I think this has to do with his inner thoughts not being designated in some manner. I usually use italics.

While it was a bit too gory for my personal taste, I thought it was well-written and a huge leap in the right direction.

Great bit of action here! You’re a really strong writer and I love that you can pull me into this piece with pretty much zero dialogue, save Bob’s thoughts. I’m also not a big zombie fan, with the exception of “Warm Bodies” (same as Angie), but this was interesting. Bob had enough humanity to make me feel kind of bad for him when he couldn’t reach his meal at the end, then became a meal, himself. Poor, poor zombie!

I’ve marked a few sections that caught my eye. Nothing really major, though. Well done!

Not enough time had passed for him to forget what it was like to feel prisoner in your own body, unable to move, mind calling out to someone, anyone, to acknowledge your presence, that you were still there, still alive, somewhere, inside all that flesh and bone.

I understand what you’re trying to do here, but it really does need to be cut down into at least two sentences to avoid confusion.

There may have been some E.

This pulled me from the moment, because I had to consider whether he meant the “E” I knew about or maybe it meant something different to him.

The rave section was the most confusing portion of this submission, as I wasn’t sure when his flashbacks ended and the connection to the guy in the truck, and if I needed to know those details.

Bob felt blazing hunger in his belly and set his sights on the jugular.

You could strengthen this sentence by rewording to remove the word “felt”. There are a couple of other instances of “felt” or “feeling” in the rest of the story–some of those you may be able to strengthen, as well. I know it’s not always possible.

focussing on the grass in front of them and the loamy soil beneath.

This is your second use of “loamy”. May not be a big deal, but I tend to point out repetitious words if I notice them.

Then Bob felt himself lifted as if weightless, carried as if flying, and tossed as rotting garbage into the bed of the truck.

This reads a little bit clunky for the action it’s expressing.

Bob ‘s stomach roared.

Extra space between “Bob” and “‘s”. It’s possible I accidentally did that while setting off quotes, so if it’s my error, please disregard.

Bob could smell the man, acrid and spicy on the surface, sinew and salty on the inside.

Love this! Very vivid to me, for some reason!

It stopped, once, briefly, to caw, and then continued ravaging Bob’s remains.

Oh, irony! Great ending to a great piece!

Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to your next exercise!

This story was gory, hence I enjoyed it. I love a good zombie tale, with all the disturbing parts included. The descriptions were vivid and graphic, and set the creepy tone for the story. I also liked the twist at the end.

I liked the action between Bob and the man. However, I had to reread the part where Bob fell down and was sent flying into the truck bed, because this line didn’t stand out:

before the man’s brick made contact with the side of Bob’s head. Bob went down.

Perhaps “made contact” could be replaced with a stronger, more dynamic verb, as it serves as a trigger for the chain of events after that.

Thanks for sharing. This was a great piece!