The Promise

Hi Yvette,

I enjoyed reading this piece. You’ve set up a mystery, and I’m intrigued.

I like how you conveyed the familiar conversation between the two sisters. It works well, and I got a clear sense of who Carrie is from the dialogue.

Overall, I like how this flows, it is fluid and has momentum.

This threw me a bit, I had to read it 3 times before I got it: ““Yeah, yeah. It’s my fault, I know,” Heather rolled her eyes. She sat on one of the plastic bins. “No need to overreact and leave the neighborhood. Everyone got drunk in that party.”

I thought Heather was telling Carrie there was no need for Carrie to overreact and leave the neighborhood. I think it needs to be more clear that she’s saying there was no reason for mom to overreact.

This sentence needs more clarity too: “It broke Carrie’s heart seeing her mother in this state, but her dad had told her to wait and give her time.” Your having the dad talking to two different people in the same sentence without clarifying who he’s talking to. Should be an easy fix.

I’m guessing this is an excerpt from a larger piece, not a story? I was confused at the end – how Heather disappeared when the mother walked in without the mother seeing her. I couldn’t picture how that could happen, unless she’s ghost.But I’m thinking you wanted that ambiguity because it will become clear in another chapter.

Thank you, Yvette. I look forward to reading more of your work.

I liked this! I’m guessing Heather is dead, but Carrie can still see her? And maybe their brother too. Its a sad story, especially if Carrie can see her sister’s ghost but their mother can’t.

I like the way the story built up. I like the descriptions of the old house with the moths and the rotten egg smell. I like the relationship between the sisters.

The last line ‘This time, Heather would be keeping her promise’ – does that mean she hasn’t kept promises before?