The Traveler

Loved this Dawn. Nice job.

These images stuck with me after reading:

“Hours later, Charlotte would fall back to sleep, usually sitting upright on the sofa, phone in hand, waiting for him.”

“Rand sat up in bed, flipping the covers off his bare stomach and onto the end of the bed. He pressed his palms into his eyes for a moment before turning back to Charlotte. ”

Good descriptions that translated to clear images in my mind. The imagery also illustrated Charlottes deep concern and Rand’s struggle to discren dream from reality for me.

I think you could develop this into novella or a novel if you wanted to. Graphic novel even.

I hope my thoughts were helpful. Thanks for sharing your story.

Regards,
Brian

I really liked this, especially the part at the end. Great job creating strong imagery. I agree with Brian that it could be made into a longer story. You certainly have me hooked. My only suggestion would be to possibly portray his fear of the dream a little more. I think there’s a great opportunity to put the audience in his shoes.

Love the cliffhanger at the end – the tattoo and her not knowing where he’d been. Begs the question of the reader – is he really going somewhere at night?

Love the imagery you create of the street him looking out the window, her sitting on the couch. I can picture their bedroom.

Suggestion: If you look at end of second paragraph, you say she never heard him at night, but then you say “even so” this would maybe be more like “So it was especially worrisome” (because if she never heard him it would be more unusual, not an even so)

well done and great start!