The Twins

Ruthanne:
I found this piece very entertaining. However, I must tell you I have not kept up with the current leaning toward vampire stories, and shy away from horror shows.

There is a line I think, where horror crosses over to humorous. An example is “A Cabin in the Woods” where everyone was covered by blood,gore and gristly guts— until one just had to laugh-at all the monstrous things happening and the horror of the whole thing. Your piece has lots of humor in it. I loved the way the new boss felt he knew so much at first and was confounded and hopeless with the dilemma that emerged.

Although it was mind boggling (remember I am old and not used to such a piece) I had to laugh at the way these humans were described. I loved the bumbling “Superior” who was so burned out and confused that he kept stacking things on things (pencil sharpener and hot spot?)as he tried to leave. Some of the character descriptions are absolutely wonderful. Ex. “His voice cracked. He was at that age.”The way the twins slept, the way they interacted leaving the “meal” in a happy stupor-that was great.Wonderful dialogue!!!!!

You used a line to show a change of scene. The setting came by way of asides almost.
Like that thick glass cage that was impenetrable slowly came into my comprehension (I am slow however).

I think this is an entire book-not just 3000 words. I guess the transitions need to be there-not just lines. It reads sort of like a play, but a play has visual stage settings or, in reader’s theater, there is a narrator.

I think you have a great imagination and a very quick and agile mind. You make quantum leaps. Some of us-like me, are more of the “stuck in the mud” type. In a fast moving show like NCIS or 007 Skyfall, there is always a professor or a researcher explaining to the protagonist. There really isn’t much of that here (General Blue did shed some light), just a constant movement, and the protagonist must piece it all together-somehow. But, that takes time and you didn’t have that in this limited assignment. There are lots of holes in this-things that happen without explanation. It sort of evolves. I guess the dilemma needs to be outlined right in the beginning or soon into it. I realize the planet is dying or dead and radiation and bombing has done it, but the past is in the same time plane as the future almost (Notte is 1500 years old????) And I never did understand how anyone would be blamed for not keeping the twins in because they were described as being able to generate or degenerate in matter ( I think).Dr Ikinder certainly would have read that report-huge improbability! Also, why did the twins like George enough to offer him a chance to leave the planet? He should have done something generous or divulged something endearing to them-all he did was question and command (that I remember).

I could never write this, but if I did, I would take one scene and make it work as a story (3000 words). Jason is the son? Mention him earlier as he is the only one who is going to survive I think. If that is so, we should know the professor values ongoing life and has a son. I have a feelingly he only valued his son at the end-put his own self and ambition first in the beginning of the story. I’d start it with DR.Iskinder (George?) entering into a door with Project Opals on it. Maybe, George could see himself in the glass as we never did know what he looked like, admire himself and describe himself. It would be good to learn what he wanted-sounds like he wanted to have ownership and understanding (maybe ownership/control with the twins. (If he told them how long he had been waiting to meet them, they would then have a reason to invite him along to the new life-or did they read minds?) He also thought the department was not well run and he could do better (pride goeth before the fall). I loved your paragraph when his heart fell as he learned the twins came and went at will.I guess he went to find Notte to give his son knowledge that “pops” left no stone unturned. He is thinking of a legacy memory of himself he wants his son to have.

I think that first scene could show Dr. Ikinder’s fatal flaws and then he could evolve in the end to putting his son first. That might be the jist of the story, if this is about the protagonist’s development.

This is a complicated story and there is allot of room for character development with the plot just hinted at in the 3000 words. I would sure slow down this story-it is epic!!!!(1500 years?????)and there are other dimensions surfacing left, right, high and low-just too big for this format.

Again: I love the creativity, dialogue, and word choices that make unforgettable images arise. “Ikinder” (them name) suggests a German scientist and even a benevolent one-maybe something more ostentacious? The convoluted plot makes for confusion and too fast a pace to keep the depth hinted at. There could be 50 stories in this piece. WOW-what a mind you have!!!!!!

Ruthanne:
I found this piece very entertaining. However, I must tell you I have not kept up with the current leaning toward vampire stories, and shy away from horror shows.

There is a line I think, where horror crosses over to humorous. An example is “A Cabin in the Woods” where everyone was covered by blood,gore and gristly guts— until one just had to laugh-at all the monstrous things happening and the horror of the whole thing. Your piece has lots of humor in it. I loved the way the new boss felt he knew so much at first and was confounded and hopeless with the dilemma that emerged.

Although it was mind boggling (remember I am old and not used to such a piece) I had to laugh at the way these humans were described. I loved the bumbling “Superior” who was so burned out and confused that he kept stacking things on things (pencil sharpener and hot spot?)as he tried to leave. Some of the character descriptions are absolutely wonderful. Ex. “His voice cracked. He was at that age.”The way the twins slept, the way they interacted leaving the “meal” in a happy stupor-that was great.Wonderful dialogue!!!!!

You used a line to show a change of scene. The setting came by way of asides almost.
Like that thick glass cage that was impenetrable slowly came into my comprehension (I am slow however).

I think this is an entire book-not just 3000 words. I guess the transitions need to be there-not just lines. It reads sort of like a play, but a play has visual stage settings or, in reader’s theater, there is a narrator.

I think you have a great imagination and a very quick and agile mind. You make quantum leaps. Some of us-like me, are more of the “stuck in the mud” type. In a fast moving show like NCIS or 007 Skyfall, there is always a professor or a researcher explaining to the protagonist. There really isn’t much of that here (General Blue did shed some light), just a constant movement, and the protagonist must piece it all together-somehow. But, that takes time and you didn’t have that in this limited assignment. There are lots of holes in this-things that happen without explanation. It sort of evolves. I guess the dilemma needs to be outlined right in the beginning or soon into it. I realize the planet is dying or dead and radiation and bombing has done it, but the past is in the same time plane as the future almost (Notte is 1500 years old????) And I never did understand how anyone would be blamed for not keeping the twins in because they were described as being able to generate or degenerate in matter ( I think).Dr Ikinder certainly would have read that report-huge improbability! Also, why did the twins like George enough to offer him a chance to leave the planet? He should have done something generous or divulged something endearing to them-all he did was question and command (that I remember).

I could never write this, but if I did, I would take one scene and make it work as a story (3000 words). Jason is the son? Mention him earlier as he is the only one who is going to survive I think. If that is so, we should know the professor values ongoing life and has a son. I have a feelingly he only valued his son at the end-put his own self and ambition first in the beginning of the story. I’d start it with DR.Iskinder (George?) entering into a door with Project Opals on it. Maybe, George could see himself in the glass as we never did know what he looked like, admire himself and describe himself. It would be good to learn what he wanted-sounds like he wanted to have ownership and understanding (maybe ownership/control with the twins. (If he told them how long he had been waiting to meet them, they would then have a reason to invite him along to the new life-or did they read minds?) He also thought the department was not well run and he could do better (pride goeth before the fall). I loved your paragraph when his heart fell as he learned the twins came and went at will.I guess he went to find Notte to give his son knowledge that “pops” left no stone unturned. He is thinking of a legacy memory of himself he wants his son to have.

I think that first scene could show Dr. Ikinder’s fatal flaws and then he could evolve in the end to putting his son first. That might be the jist of the story, if this is about the protagonist’s development.

This is a complicated story and there is allot of room for character development with the plot just hinted at in the 3000 words. I would sure slow down this story-it is epic!!!!(1500 years?????)and there are other dimensions surfacing left, right, high and low-just too big for this format.

Again: I love the creativity, dialogue, and word choices that make unforgettable images arise. “Ikinder” (the name) suggests a German scientist and even a benevolent one-maybe something more ostentacious? The convoluted plot makes for confusion and too fast a pace to keep the depth hinted at. There could be 50 stories in this piece. WOW-what a mind you have!!!!!!