Time to Move On

Whew! Close call!

1. I like the crash that introduces us to Trenton. Nice foreshadowing. 🙂

2. I like the anticipation of waiting to see who Violet’s mystery guest is.

3. I like the strong characterizations of Violet and Trent. Violent comes across as confident and sexy, alert and smart. Trent comes across as pretentious and slick, debonair yet dangerous.

I am a little confused about what Trent wanted and why. I see that he wanted to kill Violet, but I don’t quite understand his motive. I’m sure my confusion is due in part to my own ignorance: I don’t know much about contract killers. Perhaps some dialogue that clarifies Trent and Violet’s relationship? Exactly who is Samson?

Overall, great story that kept me on the edge of my seat! You’ve got skills, Angie. 😉

Oh yeah! I like the title Time to Move on. Time for Violet to put her past behind her. Nice!

Angie,

What an interesting beginning. You’ve really got the “in medias res” thing down, starting in the middle and letting the reader sort it out. Trenton Marcus, contract killer, has clearly bitten off more than he can chew. No problem. Mme Nightshade promptly puts him out of his misery.

I am a big thriller fan, especially with a tough female lead. A somewhat older woman? Even better. In the film version she can be played by Judy Dench.

You have a real command of detail in the service of mood. Violet playing with the condensation on her glass while her would-be killer waffles on is perfect. So is the sweet tea. They set her completely apart from Marcus: She has no need to talk, and no need for the boost of alcohol.
He loses on both counts.

I got a little nervous when he led her to a blind alley, but I should have had more faith. That’s why they call her Nightshade.

How exactly did she break his neck? And how did she get to the freeway? It might be good to fill the gaps.

Your story has great potential. I see it as the first chapter of a novel, setting the scene for what will follow. I enjoyed reading it and hope to see the next installment.

Judith

The only thing I really wanted to comment on was this:

“Not so good, unfortunately. He went and got himself dead.”

For some reason, this feels out of character for Trenton to me. “Got himself dead” feels very crude and thuggish to me, and up to that point his speech had been fairly proper and sophisticated. I wonder which demeanor he has and if his speech might reflect that more.

I was confused for a second by the note to Nightshade, thinking maybe there was a note in the menu, until I realized she was at the restaurant meeting this person. Not a big deal, but it did take a bit to connect those particular dots. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong, I just usually point out anything that gives me pause because I might not be the only one confused.

This story plays out as a scene from a movie, moving us along without lagging. I love the kick-buttery (I made that up, can you tell?) of Nightshade at the end. The yoga line is cute! I can see that in a screenplay, too.

Is there more to this story?

I love the idea of an unassuming older woman (Judy Dench or Helen Mirren, absolutely, I could SO see either of them in that role) who turns out to be a contract killer. I was really curious to see who she was meeting, so good set-up there. I didn’t quite get why the man wanted to see her and for a moment I thought maybe she was hiring him as a contract killer, but that all gets straightened out at the end.

Elise

Hi Angie,

This was real a fun read! Pacing was just perfect for me: kept me on edge, reading fast as the tension was amping up.

Some of the lines were very funny, as I interpreted them as tongue-in-cheek: the yoga line, and the “got himself dead” line. I thought trenton was kinda “slumming” it there in a snobby way – I liked it. As if he were purposely using thuggish language to make some kind of point.

Your details (purse on the shoulder, condensation on the glass) were just enough to keep me in the scene and not distract me.

The only thing I’d change would be of the last sentence: “She stepped over the glassy-eyed body on the way out of the alley, tossing her cell out of the window on the freeway.” I was a bit confused about stepping over a body in one and being in a car in the same sentence…. a logistical issue easily handled. Somehow make the words read more smoothly, and the action be easier to “see”. Thank you!

You’ve created a story and drawn in the readers, including me, enough that I think you will need to finish the story! 😉

I loved:

1) That you gave foreshadowing to the character of Violet that she was practiced enough to give a certain look to her husband’s colleagues.
2) The fact that she put him in the hot seat and was confident enough to do that to him.
3) The Trenton was very smooth and yet cocky so we didn’t know how to take him.

The one thing that bothered me was that I kept looking for her husband, as it was referred to as being a note delivered by mistake. The only thing…

Great job!

I love kick-ass female leads, and Nightshade is definitely one of them. The pacing was good, and the short paragraphs served to highlight the tension of the story. I liked how you juxtaposed Violet and Trenton by what they ordered and how they acted in the restaurant.

I would have liked a little bit more action before Violet kills Trenton. He doesn’t seem to be giving her a hard time before she breaks his neck, especially since he knew she was Nightshade. Of course, this could simply be added once you extend the scene for a full-length story. That’s a hint, by the way. 😉

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  YCPascual.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  YCPascual.