Weakness

I love the way you described Bucky, “30 years old by now.” I laughed! And the conclusion was great. It really describes the way a kid thinks. I also love the way you describe it.

I’m a bit put off by the way it’s all written in present tense. It’s “correct”, don’t get me wrong. I just feel uncomfortable with that… perhaps it just me.

Good stuff though.

Cheers.

Wow. I loved it. Your character’s voice is amazing and the back and forth with his mom is natural and witty. Oh my gosh, you got my heart-strings with his sweet vulnerability to Bucky Thomas. His friends are great. I’d buy the book <3

The voice of your character comes through loud and clear! Love that and perfect for that age. I can see them reading your book stomach down on the bed as their feet bounce on the wall absentmindedly!

You have a knack for morphine into a nine year old’s mind! The stare downs, the acts when talking to parents. The spiders and nasty brats that come into play in decision-making at that age. And it all comes down to what your friends are doing.

I love the words, “glop”, bloggy and so will the kids! As others did, I love the way Bucky gets older exponentially!

Great job!

This is awesome. Daniel goes to camp! 🙂 I can’t wait to hear what happens next. I hope he’s taking his pencil.

Your nine-year-old voice is so perfect, at least to my ears. This is fun and playful, as always. There are so many great lines here, about seaweed and so on, that I couldn’t name them all. It reads as if you wrote it easily. Any kid would relate to and love this story.

Perhaps Daniel capitulates a little too fast once he realizes that Annie is going to camp. Maybe his mother can make one more comment, such as promising to take him up on the meatloaf, serving him brussel sprouts, making him clean the kitchen/bathroom (instead of him dreaming that up), or his sister’s horrid boyfriend having to stay with them for a week, that breaks his resistance?

It’s Daniel! 🙂

I really enjoyed the story, Sunny. I agree with the rest that his personality really shines through his voice, and I think your word usage and colorful names helped achieve this.

As for improvements, I agree with Ann in that it probably would be more interesting if Daniel put up with the struggle a little bit longer before caving in to his mom’s idea of going to Camp Bigfoot.

But overall, you’ve done a fantastic job! I can sense a sequel in the making, unless that’s in the works already.

HI Sunny,

First off: this was charming and truly enjoyable. I like the present tense, it gives an immediacy, like you are with the kid now experiencing this little war with his Mom.

My favorite aspect is how Daniel, as a metaphor wizard, transforms everything into horrors: meatloaf, swimming in lake, science experiment food etc.

Just thrown by “I’m not sure why she’s so excited to get rid of me, but something tells me it involves sleeping in and not having to explain to the school principal why her son’s Octobear destroyed half of the playground.” I just didn’t understand it.

This is so fun, and your tone is perfect.
I love the humor as well, Sunny.

I agree with the feedback about him capitulating too quickly, too.

In the last sentence I question whether the voice is a bit too mature (compared to how mature he sounds in the rest of the piece): “I’m not sure why she’s so excited to get rid of me, but something tells me it involves sleeping in and not having to explain to the school principal why her son’s Octobear destroyed half of the playground.” It seemed a bit inconsistent to my ears. But it may be that it is consistent with the rest of the books. Disregard if that’s the case.:-)

Sunny,

Or should I say, Daniel, welcome back! Same old Daniel, but boy have you grown *pretends to pat the top of his hair, as adults do*.

Well, Sunny, what can I say? I was straight back in Daniel’s crazy world with this piece. Can’t wait to read more!

Thanks for sharing.

Katie 🙂

I loved it, Sunny. How can I get ahold of the first one? I agree that he caved so easily. I’ll bet his mother was too. But as a mother myself, I take what I can get.

Thanks for sharing the story. I’m really looking forward to the first installment.

Judth

He really doesn’t like meatloaf does he.

I felt, as I was reading it, like it seemed very familiar, very cookie-cutter of a past work of yours, Like you were copying a previous character that I had read about. Then, I figured out it was Daniel. Silly me!

Excited to see a sequel for another magic adventure with my favorite artist.

Hi Sunny,
I thoroughly enjoyed this story. Having it in present tense led me as a reader feeling like a fly on the wall. I loved the voice of Daniel. I would have liked to see him squirm when he thought of seaweed wrapping around him > it was well described some body language would of been a plus. Same with spiders. I knew someone who had a fear of spiders and just hearing about them would make her body twitch.
The mom was spot on. Great job being a ten year old boy too. I loved his inner dialogue playing his mom like a worn out game. Clever Daniel, I could see him as king of his castle.
Bucky getting older at lightening speed was hilarious.
Using mom’s nasty meatloaf cracked me up too.
Thanks .
Suzie Page

Yeah! More Daniel! I love your voice, but that’s not news. When Daniel begins talking he just draws me in and puts a big smile on my face. I could never pinpoint just one or two lines that I like, so just believe me when I say there are lots of great lines.

critiques: I’m not sure how his mother tricked him. Telling him Annie’s going is not a trick unless it’s not true…
Also, if he’s 9, isn’t he young for 5th grade?

One other point which is for the sequel and not this part: in the first book, we hear about Daniel’s father, but we never really see him. I think he should be more visible here. (And I’m still waiting for an explanation about the Dad’s toys in the attic…)