I still feel this is repetitive, and Angie is right, it doesn’t start out strong. Maybe the focus is too much on the shape-shifting and how unusual it is that Jesse can become more than one animal. We don’t know why that’s important. Does it make him a ruler? Does it give him a better chance at a cute girl? Are there battles and he’s a top warrior because he can become almost anything?

I do like your last paragraph, although I think you could still be more specific since a synopsis is different from a book blurb, as I understand it. In a synopsis, you have to summarize what happens, rather than entice the reader. Am I wrong?

Exciting start, with the news report of the many cases and lack of knowledge about the cause, then the person with the syndrome and finally, the pumping noise. The reader knows something awful is about to happen, we just don’t know what.
This is a wonderful description:
He rolled over to get his legs to the floor. His stomach muscles contorted and he winced in pain, folding his chest over his knees and almost fell out of bed. The pain always came in waves. He waited a few seconds to let it pass.
I feel the pain intensely. I like that he considers going to the hospital.

You have a lot of repetition, especially in the news report. It isn’t necessary to have the news reporter say something and then the doctor say the same thing, almost verbatum.

If the is the future, I doubt he’d have an ipad. You could dream up some glamorous device.

You use a lot of extraneous words. For example, he can “stand,” he doesn’t need to “stand up.” He doesn’t need to “know” so much, since we’re in his mind.

However, I wouldn’t bother cleaning this up right now. Draft away! It’s best not to spend time on the details until you have the whole story written and like your plot. You might end up throwing out or radically revising this chapter after you write the rest.

Hi Anne, it’s great to see you here again.

Congratulations for finishing your book and launching it. That’s huge!

Hi Brian, nice to have you here.

I look forward to seeing your novel start to emerge. I like sci fi, but don’t have the stomach for very scary stuff (no Stephen King novels for me!).

This is interesting, but doesn’t quite capture the drama. The first two sentences are great. I’d cut this one:
This wasn’t completely unexpected, though.

Try not to say twice how special the pendant is, and try to be specific, rather than using words like “special.” That doesn’t tell us anything.

Does Jesse have the skills or does the pendant? If he takes it off, do his skills vanish?

Joe’s questions are good ones that go to the heart of the drama.

Hi, Justine. Two plays! That’s wonderful.

None of us can read all of the intros and assignments! There are way too many people for that. 😉

I don’t do Twitter, either, although I suspect Joe plans to convert me to it. Ugh…

I look forward to having you in the class.

So glad to meet you, Gwen. You’re fashionably late. unlike those of us who jumped in early with our intros.

Hi Lise,

Turning 66! Congratulations! I’ll bet that you have lots of wonderful stories and knowledge to share. Now is the time, and we’re a pretty good audience to start with, although it sounds like you’ve already started, with your blog.

I usually write in past tense, but I enjoy books in many formats. A story written in present tense has a different feel than one written in past tense. It’s a little more immediate, pulling me right into the action. It’s good for stories where the narrator is clueless about what’s happening around them, and, as you said, Jen, it cleans up the prose by making it absolutely clear what’s happening and what already happened. There’s no future in present tense. Thus, the narrator can be just as surprised as the reader when the vampire jumps out at her.

That said, I often feel it doesn’t matter much what tense a book is written in, if it’s a great story. As soon as I’m absorbed in the narrative, I no longer notice the puppet strings.

I agree, Angie. My audience looks a lot like me.

Michael, it’s interesting to me that your cad bears your name. Is that intentional?

I think that the kind of story you’re trying to tell – subtle, deep, and rich, with forgotten bits and varied interpretations – is much more difficult than an adventure story or a romance. You face a world of questions about what to show, and how characters realistically react.

Also, taking a longer piece and cutting to meet length requirements can mean important bits get left on the cutting room floor.

The fact that Joy is in love with Michael is one of those bits. It explains why she’s willing to lose her virginity by having sex with both of her friends.

Good luck with the longer piece.