Wow. What a ride!

1. I like your imagery: drumbeat melting, chords congealing, synths spitting. (Nice parallelism here too.) I can see this story unfolding like a movie in mind’s eye.

2. I like your choice of dynamic verbs: Coughs wracked his body; A car whizzed past; Bob pounced. They propel your story and keep me engaged.

3. I like the unexpected ending. I was for sure that after attacking the man, Bob would somehow break free and hunt other victims. But instead, you cleverly weave in a Prometheus allusion, having a bird peck him to death. Nice!

4. I didn’t particularly dislike anything, but I do have a few suggestions.

“No sooner had his right foot found purchase on loamy soil then his left took flight, propelled by momentum alone.” Did you mean “when his foot” instead of “then his foot”?

“He lay back against the metal of the truck bed feeling his hunger grow.” Perhaps add a comma after “bed” so it’s clear that the bed isn’t feeling hungry? Or reposition the modifier so it’s next “he.”

“It’s beaks picked off one of his shirt buttons and then pecked at the fetid flesh beneath the cloth.” Maybe change “it’s” to “its” and “beaks” to “beak”? This sentence might also be more efficient if you deleted the word “then.”

Super story, Elise! Woot woot!

Ebony

All of the above. I’m taking this course because I intend to sharpen my skills and write stories that touch people’s hearts and provoke people’s thoughts. I intend to change lives. When I say that, it sounds like such a tall order. But words are powerful, and with them anything is possible. I will make a career of writing. I will become a better teacher, inspiring others to share their stories. I declare it here and now: I, Ebony Haywood, am growing into an amazing writer. Thank you for this opportunity. I am grateful. 🙂

That’s so inspiring! Congrats. Yay!

Angie! So happy to meet you. I’ll follow you on twitter. Tweet tweet!

Hi, Christy! 🙂

Happy Saturday!

That sounds like a nice schedule. I teach ninth grade and eleventh grade English. Last year I taught six sections of ninth grade, which drove me crazy. This year I’m teaching three sections of ninth and two sections of eleventh. I really enjoy eleventh grade English because it’s American Literature. It’s a great relief from teaching Romeo and Juliet all day. (No disrespect to my friend, Shakespeare. But when you wake up in the morning quoting the prologue, you need a break. Just sayin.)

Hi, Sarah. You must have lots of stories about being #14!

Hi, Judith. I’m happy to you! Do you have a twitter?

Hi, Chase. 🙂 Pleasure to meet you. How’s your book coming along?

Hi, Elise! Glad to meet a fellow teacher. 🙂 Do you teach computer lit?