I love this story, Katie. As I read, I knew something was coming, but I had no idea what. I like how Pandora’s Box subtly refers to the narrator’s emotions with nothing to do with the girl the story is about. I remember reading “old fashionedly” and I liked it. It was unusual, but fit perfectly.

The narrative flows well, too. As I was reading it, I thought about a prompt I’ve seen in an online meme “write a story in which the narrator falls in love with the reader” and this was kind of like a love story to the reader. Kudos, by the way. I hate, hate, hate second person narratives, but you have changed all that. I think this is the first second person narrative that I’ve actually enjoyed, and the story would not have had the same impact written any other way.

Thanks for posting.

Elsie

I love the idea of an unassuming older woman (Judy Dench or Helen Mirren, absolutely, I could SO see either of them in that role) who turns out to be a contract killer. I was really curious to see who she was meeting, so good set-up there. I didn’t quite get why the man wanted to see her and for a moment I thought maybe she was hiring him as a contract killer, but that all gets straightened out at the end.

Elise

I like the pace of your story and how where you start isn’t where you end up. I felt really sorry for your character at the end, but isn’t that how it goes, sometimes? Maybe he should switch to Starbucks. Just heard on the radio that there’s an over-saturation of Starbucks now (in Canada, anyway).

Keep with this story. With a little polishing, you have a great slice of life story with a number of “Been there; done that” chuckles throughout.

I love the style of your narrative, Ebony, and the way you contrast your mother’s style with your grandmother’s. I noticed the shift in tense in the first paragraph, too and some places where word economy could be employed, but we were instructed to post what is essentially our second draft and if you can knock something out of this quality in only the second draft, I can’t wait to see what you produce given the time to properly see the a manuscript through.

Elise

Hey, Scott.

Without my family, I probably wouldn’t have any “friends” on Facebook.

Elise

Hi, James.

Nice to meet you. Looking forward to your work (I love sci fi and write it, too).

Elise

Hi, Sunny.

Your job sounds so interesting and rewarding. I’ve followed you on Twitter and am looking forward to reading your story.

Best wishes,

Elise

Sorry to hear about your mother’s passing, Lee. Looking forward to working with you.

Elise

Hi, Audrey!

Hi, Yvette. Sounds like our genres are similar. I’m currently writing YA Sci Fi. Looking forward to working with you.

Elise

I had hoped my own children would be a part of the audience for the last book I finished, but no one seemed interested. Quite frankly, my students (who are the same age as my own children) seem more interested.

My audience is middle grade to high school boys and girls who are mature readers and who like paranormal stories (my latest novel has seers, zombies, black magic, an empath, and relates religious iconography to paranormal beliefs, as one of the characters is a priest). I am hoping that “new adults” and adults will also find interest in the story because there are a few adults that are central to the story as well (the seer and the priest). My audience will watch “Walking Dead”, “Supernatural”, “Vampire Diaries” and similar shows, and have read novels like “Beautiful Creatures” or “Miss Perigrine’s Home for Peculiar Children”. I am also including the parents of these young adults in my target audience, because they are likely to be the ones buying it for their children, but I’m also hoping that they may want to read it as well (see eliseabram.com/the-revenant).

The audience for my work in progress is similar, but I’m targeting mostly girls who like sci fi (especially time travel) and romance. Still mature readers and their parents.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by  elise abram.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by  elise abram.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by  elise abram.
• This reply was modified 10 years, 11 months ago by  elise abram.