Ann this is really really good. I was into it right from the get go. From when the young girl chosen to be sacrificed to sick child, I thought wow – this is like that old television show “Quantum Leap”, but with dreams. Angie steps into another person’s life/death, but in doing so she is gaining information that will help others when they face their own times, and even though it is not easy for Angie, I think that over time she learns as much about herself as she does about the dreams she is experiencing.

The ending was very fitting and I think it tied things up very nicely.

I know that we are supposed to critique and discuss if something in a story didn’t work for us, but I honestly thought this story flowed nicely and I really enjoyed reading it.

Excellent.

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Angie – This story is very Outer Limits/Twilight Zone in it’s flavor. Like one of those episodes, you did a great job of conveying -“Yes this is how it all appears on the surface, but it’s the underneath where the real story lies”.

I just love these type of stories and I loved watching those shows as a kid. It’s fun to get carried along and then go “whoa, I didn’t see that coming.”

Since you are already making edits – I will only suggest that it would have been nice to spend just a wee bit more time with Laura after she is rejected – just to understand why the aliens were doing what they were doing and why she WAS rejected.

I would love to read the rewrite when you get it done.

Great story – I may have to write one of these myself.

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Hello James. My name is James. I just took a break from writing and wanted to pop over and try to read a couple more stories and I thought, well we have the same first name, let’s see what else we may have in common.

First, am I correct in assuming that this is the beginning of a much larger story? Brian R. and I know I read a couple of others as well, but now I can’t remember who. It seems many are also testing out some of their ideas for novels they are writing.

People are correct in that you are a tight writer and very good world builder. I can see the cell in my mind and picture the captors. Your protagonist is in a world of hurt, and I can feel it. The captors and big and ugly and I can see them and see why others fear them.

Because I am under the assumption this is just the beginning of a larger story yet to unfold, I don’t really care how it doesn’t resolve very well, but I would suggest that maybe you might try to give the reader a reason to want to identify more with the main character. Again – I am sure more is coming, but perhaps some clarification early on about how he ended up in the cell. Give the reader a reason to care – I guess is what I am saying. I think that would help boost this a bit, because while I loved your descriptive voice – I spent more time after thinking I really don’t know very much still about the main character other than he is in a cell and life there sucks.

I really do think you write well and I will keep checking back to see how this goes.

From one James to another – it is nice to meet you

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Hello Kate. Just read your story and I have to tell you that at the end I was intrigued. I wanted to hear a bit more.

You know it’s funny because I have been working on a book (a story for my nieces) for the past year where the main character’s name is Angelica. She goes by Angel, yet she is anything but. I bet her and Evangeline would probably be friends – and we would be the adults telling the two of them, “You shouldn’t be hanging out with that girl. She’s trouble,” without realizing – we have probably driven them right together.

My suggestions are first, I get where you are going with trying to describe things so vividly, but save the words and cut some out. You don’t need them. I am quite guilty of doing the same and trust me I know of which I speak.

Secondly – shorten up the beginning a bit. For me the good stuff was at the bottom third of the story. I also wanted you to know – I didn’t stick to 750 words or even 1000. I wanted to tell a good story and it is HAAARRRRD!! to do that in 750 words or less. That takes some real skills.

Great job

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Brian. I had read your story last night and had even written a what I thought was a pretty good critique for you, but we also were dealing with heavy thunderstorms here in the midwest and I lost power before I could get this posted.

Now I am approaching this from the perspective knowing that you are testing chapters of your book to see how they read and get feedback, and so I am trying to keep that in mind knowing that more will be revealed in time.

I love these types of stories. I can see why you listed King, Howey, and Card in your intro. I don’t know if you have read The Fifth Wave by Rick Yancy, or Cyber Storm by Mathew Mather, or Maze Runner by James Dashner, but your story starts off in a similar fashion.

First, Ann beat me to the punch, but I too agree that the news area can be shortened or, if you feel the need to keep everything, reworked just a bit, because there is a bit too much overlap there. It’s good and I am definitely telling you I would keep it in some form because it sets up the scene. But, I personally thought this read a bit rough.

Now I will say that because you are submitting pages/chapters for your book – I get that the story ends the way it ends so that doesn’t bother me. You write very descriptively. I would agree with Kate’s suggestion in that – Graham’s life is in a sort of upheaval and besides the physical pain (which you describe very adeptly), how is he being effected psychologically. How has his having Blain Syndrome effecting his life with Sarah and the kids, his friends and coworkers. Is he trying not to let them see the trouble he is having dealing with this and how does THAT effect his mental state. Build the psychological as well as the physical a bit more.

Also – and please understand I a merely offering a suggestion – it’s totally your story, but what if the story starts off with where you ended it. Graham wakes up from a terrible terrible nightmare. He can’t sleep again. His body aches and hurts all the time. Because he can’t sleep he grabs his iPad and reads the article, which makes him jittery and on edge (the psychological), then he hears noises and ends up downstairs.

Again – it’s your story and I only mean to help so write what fits you – but maybe it offers a different perspective, which is why we are all here, I hope.

OFF WE GO BRIAN –
James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

I took this course mainly because I just enjoy writing and talking to other writers. I desire to become a better writer and I think you need to knock around with other writers in order to do that.

Any of reasons listed would be great, and I sure would be happy enough to fall into any or all of the categories because I think that success forms a type of validation.

But the analogy that would probably describes best why I took this course is like that of playing in a college bar band. Outside you have real life responsibilities which must be dealt with on a day to day basis. However, you belong to a group of people, who share the same love of music, who get together regularly to practice and hangout, and every so often you might get to go out a play a gig.

No one is really there for the money although secretly if you all became big rock stars you would probably all be thrilled (you think). But mostly it just about trying to make good music, become a more competent musician, and hang out with people who enjoy the same things you do. That right there is success and that’s really why I enrolled.

J.L.S

Well done Katie. This is a very vibrant and moving story. It was easy to connect with both the main character, as well as the mother. You really feel for them, their town, and the future they face. It’s a very engaging story and I did enjoy reading it.

I had some similar issues trying to cut and paste the story into the blog. I noticed several errors right away that I had trouble figuring out how to correct. However, I didn’t really pay too close attention because I feel that if you get the story right first, it’s easy to correct the grammar and punctuation second. I think that you have got the story right BTW.

The one thing I will add, because I suffer from it myself, is trying to over describe things. I’ve got it in my head now because I recently got the same advice myself.

Ask yourself, even if it’s some great writing, if I cut this part or that part out, is the story any different. Did I make it worse by cutting something. If the answer is no, not really, then it’s probably OK to cut it out.

Example:
There are several times you refer back to generations of this family living in this town, at this place. You might see if any of these references can be removed and then see if it still reads like you want. It’s a matter of taste really, but it’s just a suggestion.

I think this has the makings a really good tale and I enjoyed it.

Great work.
J.L.S

LoriMarie – I can see why you were able to identify with my “Ten Second Rule” story. The interactions, and yes, sometimes the hierarchy of friends growing up, is something everyone can identify with.

When I was growing up it was skating parties. That’s where the formative years of adolescence were spent and since I couldn’t skate a lick – I can identify with Kathy wholeheartedly. I mostly spent those nights playing video games and eating pizza, while my friend Blumberg – who was a great skater – got all the girls. Kate mentioned John Hughes and I can hear the soundtrack to Sixteen Candles and the Breakfast Club playing in the background as I read through your story.

Speaking of John Hughes – I agree that if the tension between the girls’ group dynamic was fleshed out a bit more (the perfect spots are the girls around the sink and the exchanging of bracelets) that it would strengthen your story. I also would have like to have spent just a bit more time with Kathy and exploring a bit more her sense of regret at the oncoming changes in the relationships with her friends.

I said it before in other reviews and I will say it again here – Unless I am in a contest where more that 750 words is strictly forbidden – then the word count, for me, is just a place holder. I think it is very hard to tell a story in 750 words or less. I believe it takes great skills to do so.

Really great story

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Amanda – This is a great story. This certainly resonates with me in so many ways.

A couple of years ago, myself and another person, were hired to help install a new computer system meant to deal with the Affordable Care Act at an insurance company (I work for an IT Consulting Company). My friend and I were there for almost eight months – in a little room that was actually a converted vault. People almost never came back to talk to us, no one ever invited us to lunch, and a couple of times (I am not kidding) we were locked in building with the alarm turned on because people left to go home and they forgot we were back there.

We would often joke that if one us died in the vault, it was the responsibility of the other person to call someone, because otherwise no one would ever find us.

I’m sure you didn’t mean this story to be a funny one, but I chuckled a few times reading it because it was so accurate to me.

Just a suggestion – I think that there were places where you could probably leave out some items to streamline the story just a bit. You would tighten up the story and lose nothing that would make the story any less vibrant.

For Example:
You could spot her enthusiasm from a mile away like a sore thumb hit with a hammer. Coincidentally this place of work in which she so temporarily resided was, of all things, a homebuilding company. Yet a home of her own she will never be able to build or afford at her temporary pay rate. The work she does is that of an administrative assistant, but her official title remains absent. She still remains known now as just “The Temp.

This is a great detail – but if I don’t know what company she works for, it still doesn’t make it any less readable. It just seemed to read a bit rough to me. If you really like it you might try to weave along with something else in the story.

Really great – I really enjoyed reading this.

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

I posted some of this in the previous section, but as I moved on, it’s still kind of relates the same way.

I agree with several people here, many times it starts with me. I’m the one who want’s to hear the story. However, depending on exactly who I’m targeting, it can be a specific individual or group that pops into my mind to direct my focus. If its posting to the homebrewers group I belong to it may be one thing – The people in my Farmer’s Market Co-op group are looking for different information and I kind of know their tastes and that’s who I write for. If it’s for my friends, well although some of it I would never put in print I’d want the public to see, that is also who I write for. It just depends on my target audience, and that can vary for me.

The main story I am working on is targeted as a story for my two young nieces.

RECAP FROM PREVIOUS SECTION POST:

One Thanksgiving holiday with all my immediate family all together – I was tasked with putting my nieces to sleep. They like have stories told to them – so like any good uncle – I told them one. Off to sleep they went.

When I came down to join the rest of the adults, who honestly were tired and had been enjoying a couple of glasses of wine, I was getting teased a bit about how I went and told a story to the girls. My sister and parents usually grab some favorite book and read it, not me. We tell the story as it comes to us, my nieces add their own parts.

Anyway – the family was joking because one of my nieces made the comment that Gandalf reminded her of one of her teachers (I think she meant Old). As we started talking and laughing together, different people began coming up with new what-if’s ( What if Yoda was the funny old lady down the street (who is hilarious by the way – I wish she had a YouTube Chanel), What if Harry Potter was actually the nerdy computer guy that works in the office and smokes like a steam engine, etc.) You get the idea. It was pretty funny and ridiculous – and then all of a sudden it wasn’t.

After a while of doing this, my sister says, “Hey that’s not bad. You should tell that story. Your nieces would love to hear that story.”

And, for me, that’s how it began. Frank Baum (Wizard of Oz) , Tolkien (Hobbit), Louisa May Alcott (Little Women)

James Schmidt (J.L.S.)

Lee, I too would like to echo the thoughts of all here. I must confess to have lived a fairly sheltered life and reading your very personal story has given me perspective and insights that are new to me. I salute you, because honestly I don’t know if I could be as brave.

I wanted to add my comment in along with the other James in this class, because I totally agree with what he is saying. Hinting or alluding to the deeper plot in a story can definitely get the reader engaged, because I believe we are all curious by nature. The trick is not to obscure it so much that the reader is still vague on the details.

With respect, when I first read through your story, I had finished thinking it was a story about a young girl living with an alcoholic mother. That’s truly what I thought the story had been about. It was only after reading your comments and that of others that I finally understood. I just didn’t pick up on the hints in the story without additional clarification.

Again, you have tackled a difficult subject matter that most would probably avoid. That, to me, is what’s so great about talking to other writers. It helps you to understand the world by looking through someone else’s eyes.

God Bless,

J.L.S

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Schmidt.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Schmidt.

Hello Brian, it’s good to meet you. I read your introduction and you and I seem to be traveling a similar path and one that I think we both might be able to travel down together for a while.

Your story is very similar to mine. Tons of stories and tons of rejections with a few successes along the way. I see that the writers who you listed are some of my favorite writers as well and Hugh Howey, especially, seems to be a type of writer’s journey that my work for both of us.

I think that knocking around chapters/ideas for your book is a great approach. You can test what’s reading well and what isn’t reading so well. It’s like having several different focus groups all working on one solution. I don’t make the rules here, but I don’t see why you couldn’t submit chapters for the stories here. You have my support anyway.

I look forward to working with you and reading your stuff and helping each other to become better writers.

J.L.S.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Schmidt.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Schmidt.

Margie, this is a really good story. It’s easy to connect with the narrator here and feel her frustration and struggle. Trying to figure out what’s in another person’s head is difficult, and you do a really great job of painting the picture for me.

As I read your story (a couple of times) – I found myself thinking, Ok we understand that the focus is the main character’s struggle with how their friend now seems to be isolating themselves from what the narrator finds important. But then I find myself also thinking about the flip side of that. In what way might the main character have changed that the friend no longer feels any connection to them. I mean that last phone interaction had to be pretty dramatic both ways you would think. I thought how would you tell this story from the friend’s perspective and in what way might the friend see things differently if the focus was about the narrator. Really got me thinking that’s for sure.

I will say that I agree with Katie’s comments above. The cardinals are great, but probably could be left out and still keep the story moving. Trust me I do this all the time – and there are so many things that you think sound so great it must be included, but often it really doesn’t. I know that your intent was symbolism for community, but I honestly – that was kind of lost on me until your comments to Katie.

I also think that the switch over to the conversation part of the story – kind of breaks up the narrative and makes it seems like two different stories a being told, one from the conversation she is having inside her head, and the other as an actual conversation she has had with her friend.

Here’s maybe one way of getting the same point across. I doubt it will save the word count, but that’s not my forte’ anyway.

Example:
There were times when I needed you to hear me, to hear what I needed to say to you, and for you to understand my frustration in how things were somehow different between us. I planned and rehearsed my words, trying to make you see through my eyes. My longing to reconnect with the friends we were when we’d perform imaginary interactions between members of the Royal Family for each other in the kitchen and laugh until our stomachs cramped.

The hurt I felt that day will stay with me, because at that moment I realized that for you, believing your lie was more important than me. And that your arrogance was damaging me. Damaging our friendship.”

I don’t know – that is just my perspective, but hopefully it says the same thing.

Besides that’s why God made first readers and editors – am I right?

Really a good job.
J.L.S.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Schmidt.

• This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by  James Schmidt.