Katie,

A very powerful story with a zinger of an ending. I enjoyed it very much.

Just a few questions. When the girls got the news that the school was closing, I sounded like the end of the world. I thought maybe this was taking place in a third world country or an extremely isolated community without access to other schools.

But between the supermarket, the internet and the world of automobiles, this was obviously no third world country. So why was the world ending for these girls? Why was communication cut off so drastically? Why couldn’t they pusue their dreams in another setting?

What am I missing?

Judith

Christie,

I think you hit it just right.

The internal monologue is effective,although I was a little surprised to find the speaker was on her way to 7th grade. I, too, thought she was older. Then again, when I was in 6-7th grade I thought I was pretty grown up. I don’t remember how I talked to myself.

When she couldn’t find her brother, I had momentary heart failure. I so didn’t want this story to be about a child snatching. Parker was great. He might not have known what was on his sister’s mind, but he put her in position to follow her mother’s advice. Actually, by refusing to leave the basketball court he forced her to talk to Seth. Well done, little bro!

It’s an engaging story. What happens next?

Sunny,

I missed the deadline (should read the Cantina posts more often), so I bought Daniel on Amazon. I absolutely loved it! I posted a review under the name “tom’s mom.” When I figure out how, I’ll change my reviewer name to something more recognizable.
Tom was my beloved Morgan, but I guess it’s time to move on.

Congratulations. Are you going to carry on with the fragment you published in the forum last week? I can’t wait to find out how camp goes.

Judith

Welcome. I’ll get your book and review it.

Happy anniversary.

Judith

Welcome, Jyl,

So glad you’re on the course. It’s turning out for me to be much better than expectations. You’ll be fine.

Judith

I lived in a haunted house in Indonesia for six years, and was certain this was a ghost story. The ghost turns out to be smoke from a nearby crematorium! What a hoot!

You have a real talent for building up suspense and then turning the tables. And your writing is vivid and clear.

Thanks for sharing it. I really enjoyed your story.

Judith

Rats! I hit the wrong button and deleted my whole critique!

It is a good story, well told. Your voice was perfect for the male character, and your description of his changing state of mind was spot on. The boys peeing in her birdbath was priceless, the rotten little buggers.

A few things could be changed, sentence structure in some places could be tightened up, but the essential ingredient, the story, was strong. I want to know what happens next.

Judith

Brenda,

I was really worried about your balloon. That it landed in the next state at a nursing home where a balloon lift off had just taken place, that the maintenance man found it in a tree(!)–all these events do sound providential. The nursing home got my attention. I was afraid a relapse was in the offing, but thankfully no.

You write a very sweet story. Is it fiction? Memoir? I couldn’t help feeling it was true. It brought tears to my eyes.

I’m an editor, and editors edit. Your story could profit from some tightening up and general reworking. But that can all be done, by you or someone else. The story is yours alone. Without a story, the best editing in the world is helpless.

So, yes. Read it out loud to yourself. Your ear will tell you what to change. Just don’t change the story!

Thank you for sharing it with us.

Judith

Susan, What a lovely story. Is it from the Jataka tales, the anterior lives of Gautama Buddha? I read a lot of them long ago, and they always go straight to my heart. Thank you for reminding me.

Judith

You nailed it, Amanda! I’ve never been even a short-term temp, but you made me understand what it feels like to be the invisible long-serving member of a closed community. Nearly three years and nobody knows her name. Not even the reader.

She doesn’t get the memos (she’s only a temp) so everything she does is out of step, from casual Thursdays to the baseball game. You made my heart bleed for her. And then, of course, her own heart bleeds, into a bottle because she doesn’t even have her own trash can.

No one seems to know if she lived or died out there in the parking lot. What a sad ending.

You are a very effective writer and this is a story that grabbed me. A good job of showing how it feels to be on the outside looking in.

The story could be pared down a little. As an editor I’m always stumbling over extra words. But all in all, a very good job.

Judith

Margie,

I liked the cardinals. Especially the line “I’ve seen female cardinals feed themselves.” Very poignant and moving. Sometimes friendships end that way.

I’m an editor by trade, so my first impulse is to edit what I read. I think what you have posted is an excellent first draft, but it needs to be pruned into shape. And, I might add, you’ve written a good story with enough detail to survive pruning.

We’ve all had friendships that break down, and when it happen it’s always painful. But most friendships don’t last 30 years. This one was special, but although you tried your best to believe it would all be okay, in your heart you knew it was over. Now that it’s official, you can move on.

I lived the leaf landing on your outstretched palm. What a great omen.

Judith

Angie,

Shades of “I was kidnapped by aliens” with a novel twist. Usually they don’t throw them back.

Your descriptions of the room where Laura woke up were detailed an convincing, but I quickly figured out that all was not right in this version of Heaven. Melody is sincerely creepy, and nothing she says to reassure is effective. Why can’t Laura move? Because she’s dead or because she’s tied down? What are the archives? Who’s running this show anyway?

You juxtapose what appears to be happening with what actually happens to Laura very skillfully. That pulsing circle of blue light clearly wasn’t going to do Laura any good, but I wasn’t prepared for her to be banished to the back halls of a spaceship.

The obvious question: what will she do next? I have no idea! Write the next installment, please.

Elise,

Wow. I certainly wasn’t expecting this. It took two careful readings for me to figure out what had happened. Then I was stunned.

Something similar happened to me in primary school. I wasn’t raped, but I certainly was molested. It’s not easy to talk about, especially for a nine year old. Your obliquity was perfect.

Princess Pinkey Pie was an expressive vehicle for Alice to act out her trauma. A pity the psychologist didn’t pick up on it. You drew a very accurate picture of childhood sexual trauma, but the caring adults weren’t able to decipher her depiction of the events. Isn’t that how it usually goes?

You handle the story very sensitively. My only caveat is Alice’s way of speaking to her mother. Clearly she is worried about her, but the way she verbalizes it seems to me to be too old for her years. Would a traumatized child say “Its school Mom. I think I can handle it on my own”? I’m not sure. Maybe it depends on the child. But it seemed too composed and adult for a nine year old.

This is a very courageous telling (or re-telling) of a difficult event. Well done.

Judith