Angie,

What an interesting beginning. You’ve really got the “in medias res” thing down, starting in the middle and letting the reader sort it out. Trenton Marcus, contract killer, has clearly bitten off more than he can chew. No problem. Mme Nightshade promptly puts him out of his misery.

I am a big thriller fan, especially with a tough female lead. A somewhat older woman? Even better. In the film version she can be played by Judy Dench.

You have a real command of detail in the service of mood. Violet playing with the condensation on her glass while her would-be killer waffles on is perfect. So is the sweet tea. They set her completely apart from Marcus: She has no need to talk, and no need for the boost of alcohol.
He loses on both counts.

I got a little nervous when he led her to a blind alley, but I should have had more faith. That’s why they call her Nightshade.

How exactly did she break his neck? And how did she get to the freeway? It might be good to fill the gaps.

Your story has great potential. I see it as the first chapter of a novel, setting the scene for what will follow. I enjoyed reading it and hope to see the next installment.

Judith

Ebony,

I loved every word. I could see your mother making pancakes, and your grandmother doing it her way. I could see your granny’s cigarette and taste her ambition, and see that ambition feeding every cell in your body.

As Angie’s said, the hinge of the story–you doing it your way just as you live your life your way–was brilliant. No other word will do.

Your description was perfect. The pictures you painted were clear and evocative. All in all, it was a delight to read.

I have only one suggestion. You might try reading the story out loud to see how many unnecessary words you can eliminate. A little text tightening might serve you well.

I enjoyed this story thoroughly. Cant wait to read another.

Judith

I’m in the Story Cartel because I want to share my stories and change lives–especially my own.

I’ve only been writing for a couple of years, and in the beginning it was enough just to write, to feel the words flowing from my (own!) imagination. I’d never before thought creative writing was anything I could do.

As time went by, I started showing my work to friends, acquaintances, and anyone else who showed an interest. I was shocked at how much pleasure I got from sharing. So although writing a best seller would be nice, it’s not my reason for taking this course.

I need to learn how to develop a platform for my stories. I’m pretty new to social media, vaguely understand blogging, and have no clue about Twitter or any of its spinoffs. I want to learn to manage these new ways of reaching an audience.

More than that, I want to be part of a writing community. The Story Cartel is exactly what I need.

Thanks, Joe.

Welcome, Christy, glad you are in the group.

Judith

Welcome, Angie,

Glad you are in the group. It sounds like you have a very special perspective.

Until soon,

Judith

That was one creepy story, Elise!

It’s easy to come up with two things I liked: You are a master of mood. Starting out with Bob, a newly made zombie, clawing his way out of his own grave set the scene pretty graphically. I liked the way you contrasted Bob’s memories of pre-zombified life (enjoying the sunlight, flexing muscles)with his new situation (prisoner in his body,unable to call out and show that he was still alive inside all that flesh and bone).

Your description of the rave and the scary-looking goth with the zombie dust made me wish I weren’t reading this story just before bed. You use detail to set and deepen the mood: Blood-red lips, bifurcated tongue, dust blown from an open palm. Later on, when the zombie maker reappears, you document the smell of coffee on his breath, then segue into the smell of the man and his flesh (acrid and spicy on the outside, sinew and salty underneath). These are terrifically graphic images, and they just keep getting better.

Your depiction of Bob’s hunger and what he did to satisfy it was genuinely disgusting–which was, I hope, your aim. It certainly grossed me out.

What didn’t I like? It was a little too graphic for me. But that’s what makes horse races.

Well done, Elise.

Good to meet you, Chase. Looking forward to reading your work.

Judith

Elise,

It sounds like you are well on your way. I’d love to hear about your publishing experience, both traditional and self. I’ve just started with the social media side (after resisting Facebook forever), so I’m interested in your blog/twitter history as well.

Glad you’re in the course.

Judith