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Hi Judith – seeing as I was Jess when I was young, I could totally relate to your piece and could definitely see it as a YA story. Hell, I read every pony camp book ever written so I should know…
I liked the brief sentences, it is how I’d imagine a girl to think. I know you had to edit it to fit it in the word count but I would like to have seen the story more drawn out. I was also pleasantly surprised that it had an uplifting ending, that she hadn’t been as ostracised as she thought she had been (I’ve obviously read too many tales of bitchy girls).
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Hello everyone,
Thanks so much for your thoughts and thanks for the crits all of which I totally agree with.I just reread it and yes, Ruthanne, way too many ‘hads’ that are now screaming to be deleted and yes, yes, yes Judith, I need to edit my loooong sentences and overuse of commas.
Learning so much after just one exercise!
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Hilarious! I was settling in for a thriller or a Hammer House of Horrors type piece, yours was much more fun.
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Thank you so much for reading it – I thought it had been left behind in the race to the next exercise!
I see what you mean about the 3rd paragraph, good point. And I spot a couple of typos, can anyone tell me how to edit once it’s been posted?
Thanks again.
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Absolutely lovely. Totally captivating. Can’t think of anything to critique. Did it help the little girl?
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Hi Anne – a very moving piece. I liked your economy with words and short sentences (I tend to use long sentences with far too many commas), both very effective in giving the impression of someone barely holding it together.
The only thing I would point out is that you switch to first person for one sentence – I said, knowing I’d get it for him
Hope it’s not from personal experience, my heartfelt sympathy if it is.
Justine
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I am taking this course because I need a kick up the backside, to achieve a goal that I have been nurturing for too many years but have not truly made an effort to realise.
I signed up for another online writing course nearly 13 years ago, it was going great and then a couple of weeks into it 9/11 happened. Although it didn’t affect my own family and friends directly, I was left numb and the mystery/thriller piece I was writing suddenly seemed so vacuous and superficial that I couldn’t stomach trying to finish it.
So. Fast forward a few years and a couple of kids and I have come to the conclusion that I have to write and what the hell am I waiting for? I am writing for reasons A, B, C, D and E as well as the simple reason that I need to leave some small impression on the world before I leave it.
Oh and the story of my maternal grandparents is so moving that I would love to write a novel based on it and show the world how incredible they were.
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Hello again,
Thanks for the welcome, it feels more real now! I’m working away on my first exercise and have told myself not read anyone else’s work until I’ve completed it, so as not to get disillusioned with all your talent!I’m also working on another play with a fellow playwright, we are doing a joint venture, it’s been fun but slow going, too much laughing at our own jokes, we think we are hilarious 🙂 . The play is about the trials and tribulations of a wannabe writer, with lots of scathing Ernest Hemingway quotes.
Anyway, back to the fiction.
Speak soon! -
By the way, I don’t do twitter and am a reluctant Facebooker. Is that a deal breaker? I spend a lot of time on the computer for work so avoid it when I get home… Oh dear. That was another excuse, wasn’t it?
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