Margie,

I really felt your character’s frustration at losing her friend, and for the years during which their friendship stagnated.The resentment and hurt feelings are so true to life.There is so much emotion in this piece, a thoroughly interesting inner dialogue.

I wouldn’t worry about the word count, unless you intend to submit it to a competition for stories of less than 1,000 words.

My suggestion for improvement concerns the point of view perspective of the story. It changes twice quite abruptly. The first time is when your main character shifts from thinking about her former friend in the third person, to addressing her in the second person, the imaginary ‘you’. The second shift is towards the end, when she is distracted by the cardinals in the stream.

This is probably true to how we think, but doesn’t work so well in fiction. The first transition could be made smoother if you have the main character thinking about how much she want to tell her friend how she feels. Perhaps you could have her mentally crafting a letter to send to her friend.

The mention of the cardinals is interesting, but perhaps too much of a distraction from the original theme of lost friendship. I would shorten this scene, perhaps to just a few sentences, bringing your character out of her daydream, and back to reality. Perhaps even the reality that she will never be able to bring herself to write such a letter to her dismissive and distant friend.

How does that sound?

Thanks so much for sharing.

Katie 🙂

I’m taking this course because being part of the Story Cartel writing community is awesome. It’s the best place to meet like-minded people who are passionate about writing.

All I’ve ever wanted to do, is write. Since joining this course the first time I’ve been honing my skills at writing stories that move people. Right now, I’m working on a novel, and plan to publish eventually. I’m also looking at ways of getting into freelance writing.

I can see already what a vibrant community there is on this course, this time round. I’m glad I made the decision to rejoin!

Lori, I loved this:

“The DJs high-school voice announced the beginning of his set. “Let’s hope it’s not a cruel one,” he said as Bananarama’s hit single flicker and flashed around the gym like a glitter-ball of synthesized bloops and beats.”

I was caught in that glitter-ball moment. The scenes in the school were very vivid for me, too. Good job! I could totally relate to it, not through personal experience, but through American high school movies, yet it felt alive, and not cliched.

My main suggestion would be, that from where “David asked Monica to dance”, it becomes more about telling, and less showing. For me, the spell of actually being there, is broken. I guess you ran out of time. It’s easy to fall into the trap of condensing the story toward the end, given those circumstances.

I’d love to see you expand on the last few paragraphs, perhaps by adding dialogue. I don’t think you need to spell your character’s fears for the future out quite so explicitly. I hope that makes sense? If it doesn’t I’ll be only too happy to explain further.

Having said that, this is a great start. Thanks for sharing.

Katie 🙂

James,

As usual, you’ve done a really awesome job of world building. I wondered why your character was in that predicament, and that made for some compelling reading.

However, I felt like a lot of my questions were left unanswered. Why is he there? What has he done? Is he alive, or is this some kind of after-life hell?

He is clearly a prisoner of conscience, mentally flayed by his sense of having betrayed dear Annabel. Her emerald eyes are the only colour in this whole black-and-white world. Is he in this hell, because of this betrayal? It felt like that might be a partial explanation, but I couldn’t help thinking, there must be more to it, than that? How did he get there? Who put him there?

Will you be expanding on this piece? I’d love to make more sense of this story.

Thanks again, for sharing.

Katie

Sunny,

Or should I say, Daniel, welcome back! Same old Daniel, but boy have you grown *pretends to pat the top of his hair, as adults do*.

Well, Sunny, what can I say? I was straight back in Daniel’s crazy world with this piece. Can’t wait to read more!

Thanks for sharing.

Katie 🙂

Ebony,

I too enjoyed reading about the making of the pancakes, and the different styles of the matriarchs. There’s some lovely mouth-watering buttery descriptions.

I got lost temporarily, when you mentioned about flipping flapjacks. Then I realised that must have been a typo, LOL!

If anything, I’d have loved to have seen more interaction/conflict/dialogue between the three characters. For instance, perhaps you could have all three preparing to enter a pancake competition, each believing there own style is the best, and most likely to win!

Thanks so much for sharing!

Katie 🙂

Ann, this is a lovely story.

As other people have said, I’m right there, with you character, struggling with her thirst in the heat, and getting frustrated at being separated from her partner. I can really picture this as being an exotic location, just from the simple but effective descriptions you provided.

What I’m going to suggest is more of an addition, than a criticism. I’d love to have known more of your companion’s character. Perhaps a little dialogue would bring that out?

Other than that, a beautiful, well researched (based-on-life) piece, which functions well as a story. Thanks for sharing.

Katie 🙂

Chase, this is a great start.

First up, the dialogue flows really nicely, revealing character in spades! In particular, I love your main character’s conflict at living in a suburban neighbourhood, where everyone pretends to like each other. Nice one!

If I have any reservations about this story, it would be how quickly your character accepts the bombshell that his wife of six years drops on him. He’s revved himself up to convince his wife that they should go on an adventure. However nice a guy your character may be, I think the transition is staged too quick, especially as your character had hopes of escaping his horrid suburban neighbourhood.

I hope my comments help. Thanks for sharing.

Katie 🙂

So great to hear you’re so near to publication. Congratulations! And you’re right about writing groups. It’s hugely beneficial to be part of one, and connecting with other writers is definitely what makes this course so worthwhile! 🙂