I absolutely LOVED reading this…it is a wonderful story in itself! Besides making me so happy, here’s what it did for me:

-I am now going to buy the Ender series.
-I want to know what happened to you in the 15 years between the reading of the university catalogue until now… more stories, please, Brian!

I love reading about Orson Scott Card’s acknowledgement and his cartel on AOL, brilliant! And all of this fills the assignment! So serendipitous! I just love it!!!!

Thank you, Brian!

Fantastic! Thanks for sharing the inspiring news!

This is so much fun! I enjoyed the rhythm of it, the short, fun, punchy sentences. I also like the tenderness within the story. Just delightful.

The only suggestion I have, is in the following sentence, I’d rather not see the word hand because that suddenly makes Papa Bat human, rather than a bat: “Oops,” Papa Bat put a guilty hand on his mouth. “Last one.”

Thank you, Mirel!

Dear Gwen,

I like being dropped right into the action – thank you! Very tense!

The dialogue between the narrator and Elder has a formal quality that conveys a dignified gravitas – made me realize how important Elder must be.

i didn’t understand this following, but feel sure that I will (or would) upon reading the whole thing (assuming this is an excerpt): “We have reached land’s end and alas, the Tall Ones will now build here, too. Roaming has always been our way of life and now that way is gravely threatened. Nevertheless, though we have traveled far and wide across many lands, to undertake a voyage across the sea— Well, that our fellow clansmen will not do.”

The only thing that confused me in the whole piece was this sentence:
“I had expected the atmosphere to be somber when we first set sail, but the revelation gave rise to a mood that was gloomy and dispirited.” To me there’s not a whole lot of difference between somber and “Gloomy and dispirited.” They are so close in intensity, I don’t see why “Gloomy and dispirited” gets a “but the revelation gave rise to…” Not sure I am explaining it well here. If you don’t know what I mean, please ask.

To me this is very strong historical writing. Thank you.

Dear Brian,
You describe physical things excellently! Like the graphs changing and hovering. That is flawlesss, and I could see it as clear as watching a movie.
I really like your dialogue – it flows like speech and was easy for me to “hear” the characters talking.
When I read “Florin’s assistant shook Jonah from his momentary self-absorption.” I saw the assistant physically shaking him. I realized after a second reading that was not the case.
This confused me a bit: “Florin nodded and smiled graciously. He seemed slightly annoyed now.” The 2 sentences contradict each other. Maybe show us that he is annoyed? Or not so gracious?
You might want to rearrange a bit here for clarity: From “Jonah pushed the report from climate engineering from his handheld to Florin’s desktop.” to “Jonah pushed the climate engineering report from his handheld to Florin’s desktop.”

There are some places with periods outside the quotations, and punctuation errors, but those are easy enough to find & correct.

I don’t know what a “jab to the nose” is. I can guess. Have never heard that phrase. Not suggesting a change, just wanted you to know I’d never heard it.

I like how you’ve set up the two character at one time having been close then diverging – good tension. I feel some conflict a-brewin’ and I like it!

I think the scene with Florin is so well crafted. The tension is built up and I am itching to learn what is going on!

Thank you so much. I am a big sci-fi fan and look forward to reading more of your work.

Hi Ann,

I enjoyed reading this so much. I’m impressed with how you covered an entire lifetime in such a short story. That isn’t easy! I’ve wanted to try that but been too chicken to take it on. Good job!

The opening paragraphs were compelling and vivid, I was right there.

I had to re-read the following a few times to understand. Once I understood, it made sense, but it was a bumpy understanding in an otherwise seamless flow:

Each night she went to sleep, wondering who she’d be this time and how she would die. What wisdom could she gain? She kept track of more details. She read a book about controlling her dreams. She got the movie, for that’s what it seemed like, to start a year before the death, then two years.

Maybe separate out the two thoughts; 1- the dreams were like a movie. 2- she trained herself to drop into them earlier. That would make it smoother and easier for me to understand.

I’m curious, you wrote “She’d had all of those dreams so that she could write her novels and self-help books. The stories reminded humans of their past. A voice rang out, “You have reviewed all of your lives. That was the last step before you can go into the light.” Finally at peace, she let go and became one with the energy pulsing around her.”

Did she have the dreams, or were they given to her so she could help people? (I’m not hinting or asking a leading question, just wondering)

When the voice rings out, is there any other accompanying sensations Light? Feeling? Warmth? Peace?

I understand that she published novels based on the dreams and lessons. Did she eventually publish self-help books? In one paragraph you say “Or was their purpose the lessons she learned along the way, which she collected in their own notebook, thinking she’d write a self-help book someday?” A few paragraphs later, when she gets her epiphany, you write “She’d had all of those dreams so that she could write her novels and self-help books.”

As a paragraph beginning, this startled me a bit, like something was wrong with her: “Her heart grew weak.” If you indicated again time passing would help… like “In time her heart grew weak.”

I love the music and imagery of this…it feels dreamy, which is so fitting:

“…forgotten memories of childhood giving way to her tumultuous teens, then love, marriage, and children, bits and pieces unrolling as vividly as they had when she’d gone through them.”

Thank you for this journey. If your partner enjoys it as much as I did, it is a big success!

Hi Angie,

That is kind of you. I’m a professional art director and graphic designer, too and design lots of CD and book covers for clients. I like how you’re offering your talents to everyone here. It helps build a stronger community. Thank you!

Hi James,

Sorry I couldn’t get back to you earlier than now.

As for talking to this editor, a professional editor knows not to take feedback to their edits personally, so you’ll hopefully have that working for you.

If it were me, I’d begin the conversation telling her what I liked about her edits, give a couple specific example, and what I appreciate. Then I’d say something like “I’m concerned that maybe my voice is getting lost here, so I wanted to ask you a few questions….” I would then ask her what she was going for and what she envisioned when she cut this or that. Aiming for an open dialogue.

When I start with editors, I make sure they know what I am going for, what emotional tone I’m trying to convey, and I ask them to look for it, to make sure its coming across. I make sure, as best I can, that we are in agreement about that before she begins editing.

What you’re going through right now is pretty common.

I hope this helps.

Dear James,

Yes, its very possible that this isn’t the editor for you, no matter how skilled and accomplished the editor is. The clues are here:

You wrote:

The story doesn’t really have the feel that I was going for anymore. I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but it kind of sucked all the passion I had for the story right out the window….I know several college professors who use this editor when they go to publish very important papers and all speak highly of this person.

This editor may be fantastic at academic, formal, cerebral writing. And not good at fiction and emotional writing and passion.

I’ve had copy editors suck the passion out of my words, too. They placed words and form over content and meaning. They shied away from my passion. That is not my style. I had to find another editor.

You aren’t crazy.

If it were me in this situation, I would trust myself. Listen carefully to the changes made, weigh them, and get other opinions. Use your cartel as sounding board.

Dear Dawn,

Thank you. I laughed in certain places and ended up very touched by the quiet beauty of this piece. I know the events weren’t quiet, but the tone of the piece is beautifully gentle. There is so much love in it.

Small details, like the baby being so small he/she wouldn’t fill it up, so you were frightened to drive, made it very tangible… making me able to experience some of what you must have felt. I appreciate those details.

I imagine it will mean a lot to the child when they grow up to have this.

My only suggestions would be to omit meaningless qualifiers like “so” (the nurses we “so” nice) and “pretty’ (Dr. thought you were going to be pretty big). There aren’t many of them.

Thank you for this intimate glimpse of such a momentous time in your life.