Ebony,

Lovely and profound. I think a testament to your skill is that as soon as I started reading about your Granny’s pancakes, I knew that I would prefer hers to your mother’s as well. The paragraphs about your mother and about your grandmother, both exemplified the style of the women themselves. Excellent.

I loved the fact that the whole piece is a metaphor for finding yourself, your own dharma, in a vernacular that reflects who you are and where you’re from.

Minor criticism: I think if you started the piece with a couple of sentences that just hinted at the theme, “finding your true self,” not hit the head but subtle, it would heighten the reader’s expectation and pleasure. Now when I began, sorry to say, I felt oh another cutesy memori about someone who loves her mom’s pancakes, and obviously is so much more. Michael

James you have a done good job creating the unrelenting despair of the world that you’ve created.

I like the way that you summarize what the character as managed to grok about the language as “shit and move.” Good telescoping.

However, its virtue is a bit of its problem, for me, it is so unrelenting, so black, I soon stop caring–sort of like those friends I grow tired of who whine too much. Early on, we have to see at least a glimpse of what he really wants, of what might change his condition. He may fail, ultimately, but if we don’t see any of that, we won’t root for him.

Michael

I love the fact that you definitely have a voice: a clear, natural voice with personality. The true sign of a writer.

I love Carnegie as a vehicle, a necklace, to hold the story together. Also, as a reminder that life is sweet, although bad, frightening things can happen.

My only criticism is that you are holding what actually happened too close to the breast. Why was she hit over the head? Was it her mother who did it? Was there a robbery? I often have the same problem in my writing: I can be too subtle, assuming the reader gets it.

I just read your last post: I had no idea there had been a rape. And I guess that sums up my criticism.

But easy to fix. And lovely tone and voice and reality.

Michael

I’m taking this course, because I’ve just published my first novel. And I need to know how to increase sales.

It’s got great reviews. I’ve been studying/teaching/writing fiction for the last forty years. I suppose I would maybe like to have something traditionally published, but given the current state of affairs, I don’t know if that would ever happen. So if I’m going the indie route, I want to make it as profitable as possible.

Also, it’s fun to be part of a group. And I’m looking forward to that.