What can I add? I agree with the praise and the criticism that came before. I realized that it wasn’t her mother who had hit her, I thought it was a burglar and was confused as to his having cleaned up the mess. And I gather that she/you doesn’t really remember because she was knocked out before the ordeal.

Still, I think that you displayed courage in fighting your demons and having come through as a strong and caring individual despite it all. More strength to you.

Great voice, a fun read. I was less enamored, though, with the second paragraph, maybe because it seemed the most telling. Also, the movie poster reference and Edward Cullen both threw me, for different reasons, although they both seem like anachronisms.

Hi Christy! I liked the piece, especially the part where you describe her looking for her brother and that whole interaction. The writing and the dialog seem most natural there. I also like the message, and how thrilled she is to find herself actually talking to Seth.

As others have pointed out, the narrator sounds older than 6th grade, and Parker sounds older than 6. Try to listen closer to them speaking (and to that age group in movies and tv) so you can capture their voices more naturally in your writing. For example: use more contractions, We’re older, We’re heading, etc. And my friend his friend- at those places she’d probably use names. Try to get into their heads so that when you start writing they do the talking, not you…

How did your daughter like the piece?

Well, you caught me up with this right away. Is this part of something longer? It sounds like it. Very strong writing.

I was wondering why he was afraid of being seen, because that wasn’t clear to me. I know that you wrote that seeing him would risk the mission, but I’m not sure why…

Also, wouldn’t they only be able to smell the gunpowder if the guns had been fired? If not, it should be closed up well so it shouldn’t get damp and ruined. Other than that, can’t think of anything else. I’d read on…

Lovely retelling of your husband’s stories. I love your writing, with those little clever asides. However, I think Chase has a point. Your first vignette really is a complete story, it has a beginning middle and end. The other two have less of an ending, and most especially the last one.

I think that instead of the postscript, you should try and wrap up the story so that it does come to a close. Rather than tell us that “they paint a picture of an Australia that was typical in its place and time but doesn’t exist any more. I hate the thought of it being forgotten.” incorporate that into the story to convey the message and make the story complete.

And if you have plenty more like these, there’s really a lot that you can do with them…

Okay, I will confess, I am a total ignoramus when it comes to golf. Nonetheless, I enjoyed the tone and the camaraderie that you describe. I loved the asides in the second paragraph, and how that’s the way you’ll be till you’re all in the ground. Your writing really comes alive. And I think the present tense works really well with this piece.

But I did catch a few technicalities:
“I’m not sure why I do though. ” I found the ‘I do’ to be awkward in this sentence. I know what you meant, but I think the I do is unnecessary here.

You’ve got a double negative in “and that none of us should not forget it. ” Drop the second not.

Also, you should check your quotes: you’re missing a few capitals in the dialog.

Other than that, good job.

Great job, Ann. I thought this was a lovely piece, but I agree with Marge, it also took me a moment and a re-read to catch the movie reference.

Good luck with this!

Hi Sunny! Loved the voice here, the dialog is great too. Is this meant as a standalone, or is this part of something longer? Because if it’s a standalone, there are a lot of names that seem unnecessary or perhaps unnecessarily confusing, since we don’t know who they are.

And while the piece works well for me, I find the first paragraph awkwardly phrased in some places. (the sentence beginning with long gone, the no one else, etc.)

Happy writing!

Congrats on the book, Andy. How’s it going?

Wonderful how you’ve turned adversity into a positive direction. And if you’ve been writing for three years, you must be more than just a
beginner…