Oh, huh. That’s… interesting. I wish I knew what the workaround was for that issue.

Jody, I think you explained so much about why I can’t take nice pictures…

Nice to meet you. I come in peace. 😉

My left bicep is complaining as I push the last case out from under the plastic foot of the monitor.

My left bicep complains?

Also sometimes you don’t have to point out whether something is left or right–sometimes it doesn’t matter. Your use of left or right isn’t out of control in this piece, but I thought I’d point it out just in case it’s a habit of yours.

the bookcase the the “homework desk”

Extra “the” in this sentence.

Two step further I have to turn sideways

To step further? Two steps further?

I don’t listen to classical because I’m a musician or have studied Beethoven. I listen because I’m tired of hearing the same songs that I’ve heard a million times. Sometimes I swear there was a secret law passed that radio stations were only ever allowed to play one song from an artist – ever. I’m so sick of “Piano Man” and “Here I go again” that I boycott any station that plays them.

This made me smile when I read it, as it made the narrator more real, but I agree that it doesn’t tie in as well with the focus of this story.

“Due to changes in the lease we will be closing permanently on May 25th.”

Nooooooo!

An interesting piece, thanks for sharing! I watch a lot of “Hoarders” and “Hoarding: Buried Alive”, so once I figured out that this was about hoarding, I wanted to know what your angle was. I’d like to see more of the narrator’s character come out sooner to draw us in to those first paragraphs. At first, it just kind of sounded like you were listing off a to-do list for this fellow.

The title threw me off–this piece wasn’t at all what I expected based on the title. Ha!

Really nice job. I’m excited to read more from you!

The only thing I really wanted to comment on was this:

“Not so good, unfortunately. He went and got himself dead.”

For some reason, this feels out of character for Trenton to me. “Got himself dead” feels very crude and thuggish to me, and up to that point his speech had been fairly proper and sophisticated. I wonder which demeanor he has and if his speech might reflect that more.

I was confused for a second by the note to Nightshade, thinking maybe there was a note in the menu, until I realized she was at the restaurant meeting this person. Not a big deal, but it did take a bit to connect those particular dots. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong, I just usually point out anything that gives me pause because I might not be the only one confused.

This story plays out as a scene from a movie, moving us along without lagging. I love the kick-buttery (I made that up, can you tell?) of Nightshade at the end. The yoga line is cute! I can see that in a screenplay, too.

Is there more to this story?

when weekends are young and promising.

Maybe verb tense shift here?

Granny had a certain rhythm in the kitchen, a swag that could only have been passed down from a generation of women who smoked their potent cigarettes and sassed their husbands and nursed their babies and seasoned their family’s meals with bittersweet tears.

It’s a little bit of a run-on, but I can practically see Granny just in this description.

She used an old wooden spoon that probably knew more family secrets than she did.

Ha! This is GREAT.

with a light, buttery crisp around the edges.

There’s a lot of mention of butter. I’m not complaining (mmmmm, butter!), just pointing it out. I’m coming over for pancakes, by the way.

a delicious recipe from allrecipes.com

If you intend to do anything serious with this, you may want to consider generalizing to “the Internet”. It’s my personal preference to avoid brand names to keep from dating a story… you’re probably safe with Bisquick and Krusteaz, though.

Truly, it is a privilege to be my own pancake self.

Fun last line.

Thanks for sharing, Ebony. I enjoyed this far more than I thought I would, given it’s a story about pancakes. I mean, I lovelovelove pancakes, but don’t often choose to read about them. 🙂

It was nicely done and I really feel like I’m in the kitchen with you and your matriarchs. And, seriously, coming over for breakfast…

Oh, you know I love a good horse story! Woohoo!

Three of my novels are about horse people, and I know it’s hard to write about the technical bits of riding when your audience probably doesn’t know a thing about it. In my opinion, you did a good job of balancing that information.

There really is some kind of sick and twisted badge of honor when you take that first fall. My old riding instructor used to make us bring her chocolate chip cookies when we fell. 🙂

My real question to you about this piece is “who is your audience?” A few phrases or word choices read like they’re intended for an older age group, when the subject matter insinuates a younger age group. It’s not a wildfire problem in your writing, which is otherwise clear and to the point.

Would love to see the detailed version if you care to share it.

Great bit of action here! You’re a really strong writer and I love that you can pull me into this piece with pretty much zero dialogue, save Bob’s thoughts. I’m also not a big zombie fan, with the exception of “Warm Bodies” (same as Angie), but this was interesting. Bob had enough humanity to make me feel kind of bad for him when he couldn’t reach his meal at the end, then became a meal, himself. Poor, poor zombie!

I’ve marked a few sections that caught my eye. Nothing really major, though. Well done!

Not enough time had passed for him to forget what it was like to feel prisoner in your own body, unable to move, mind calling out to someone, anyone, to acknowledge your presence, that you were still there, still alive, somewhere, inside all that flesh and bone.

I understand what you’re trying to do here, but it really does need to be cut down into at least two sentences to avoid confusion.

There may have been some E.

This pulled me from the moment, because I had to consider whether he meant the “E” I knew about or maybe it meant something different to him.

The rave section was the most confusing portion of this submission, as I wasn’t sure when his flashbacks ended and the connection to the guy in the truck, and if I needed to know those details.

Bob felt blazing hunger in his belly and set his sights on the jugular.

You could strengthen this sentence by rewording to remove the word “felt”. There are a couple of other instances of “felt” or “feeling” in the rest of the story–some of those you may be able to strengthen, as well. I know it’s not always possible.

focussing on the grass in front of them and the loamy soil beneath.

This is your second use of “loamy”. May not be a big deal, but I tend to point out repetitious words if I notice them.

Then Bob felt himself lifted as if weightless, carried as if flying, and tossed as rotting garbage into the bed of the truck.

This reads a little bit clunky for the action it’s expressing.

Bob ‘s stomach roared.

Extra space between “Bob” and “‘s”. It’s possible I accidentally did that while setting off quotes, so if it’s my error, please disregard.

Bob could smell the man, acrid and spicy on the surface, sinew and salty on the inside.

Love this! Very vivid to me, for some reason!

It stopped, once, briefly, to caw, and then continued ravaging Bob’s remains.

Oh, irony! Great ending to a great piece!

Thanks for sharing! Looking forward to your next exercise!

Welcome, Yvette! Would love to hear more about how the book is coming!

Lee, I’m glad you’re back. We missed you after you left us during the last session, but your absence was so understandable.

Looking forward to sharing more with you.

Since the last time I took this course, my audience has shifted a bit. I began my journey writing for me and girls who liked a certain branch of YA fiction. Now I’m still writing for them, but I’ve added middle grade kids to the mix. It depends on the day, and sometimes even the time of day, what project I’m working on and whom I’m writing for.

Judith –

I think most of it was fine. The two things I can think of off the top of my head are “she retired to…” and “stood in the gap”. Adults get that, kids don’t usually. It could be fine as a YA piece, but may need a pinch of reworking in some of the language for Middle Grade.