Am I allowed to say that I really loved this? Your narration? Ed’s voice? All of that stuff (and, yes, that’s the technical term).

Anyone with half a taste bud, etc. Great!

Really liked this! I can relate, although my friend didn’t call me. She just disappeared. (I happen to think I’m a good friend, thankyouverymuch!) Anyway…

Not personally worried about strict adherence to the word-count goal, but I think Joe marks down for it. 😉 Just kidding! If I story is more complete at 1,086 words vs. 999, as a reader, those extra 86 words don’t bother me. Obviously, if you’re writing for publication or an agent or something, you’d want to follow that guideline.

I loved the bit about the cardinals and the 25 songs, but I can see how only part of that illustration really works for this piece. It’s really lovely, though.

Also love the laminated rules card and the “I know” conversation.

My real issue is the POV shift. I read your response to Katie, so I understand what you’re trying to do accomplish, but it’s jarring to read. Maybe even mentioning her name or “friend/whatever she is, I’ve always recognized your stubborness, etc.” would help that transition it for the reader instead of jumping directly into addressing her with no warning.

Hope this helps. And thanks for sharing!

I’ll admit I was put off a little bit at the beginning because of the grammatical/formatting issues Angie mentioned. But I read on, and the story was haunting.

What a maniacal guy–you’ve tapped into that well. You also have the subservient wife, too. Love the bit about the spoon at the end and the “apron smile”.

Thanks for sharing!

This was an interesting read that kept my attention. I wasn’t sure where you were going with it (that’s the point, I know), so I kept expecting Joy to drive off the cliff after all. Glad that didn’t happen!

My only real comment here is punctuation. Your writing style seems to rely on phrases within phrases within phrases, set off with commas. That’s all well and good, but in some spots it takes a lot of concentration for the reader to keep up. I gave up in at least one spot. It pains me to even say it, because I’m a commaphile.

It’s obvious that you definitely know who you are as a writer. Thanks for sharing!

Oh, Stephanie. This was difficult to read. I lost my best animal friend, my horse, two summers ago. For three days we held on to hope and finally I had to make that choice. I can still see him falling to his knees… and, yes, I’m crying just thinking about it.

I wrote this experience into one of my books. The scene took me two days to write and I cried like a baby for those two days. Every time I read over that chapter, I cry again.

I don’t have any suggestions here, except maybe teaming up with a native English-speaking writer who can help with those trickier word choices. I don’t recall if you said English was your primary language, so forgive me if I’ve made an error in that assumption.

Big hugs to you. Now to go dry my eyes…

I caught the “climber” typo and also noticed you spelled Samaria two different ways (Sumeria? Samaria?). There were a couple random punctuation things, but nothing too crazy.

So… I bought a book at a Grand Canyon gift shop called “Death in the Canyon”, chock full of stories similar to yours. Dehydration really is a killer, and I’m glad you’re alive to tell the tale! What a life experience!

I would love love love for you to add some more inner thoughts, more tangible detail about the terrain. It’s a good story, and it keeps moving, but we are distanced from the struggle. Pull us in! I know you can. 🙂

I didn’t mean to imply there was some kind language barrier, I just wondered if perhaps that was one reason for feeling insecure in word choices. Personally, I didn’t notice any really glaring issues… mostly that you translated part of the dialogue, so I wasn’t sure if ESL was the case.

My horse’s name was Moe. We’d been together for 19 years, and we grew up side by side. He colicked, which is a blanket term for intestinal upset with a horse. It can turn very serious very fast, and his case did. I saw him early one day, noticed a few hours later that he was in some kind of distress, and there was nothing I could do. Awful.

Anyway, big hugs. Everything in life is a lesson.

Hi again, Michael!

Give me a day or two and I’ll go back through and point out the tricky spots.

“Based on true events”. The best of both worlds. 😉

You said something about hoping he was okay, which struck me as a little sterile for the situation. Even if you can’t remember what you were thinking, this is where empathy and imagination come in.